Some written therapy…
Well nothing personal to Thailand, but my experience living here the last eight months has been far from great, if not one of the toughest, more difficult periods of my life.
I mean, I’ve been through some shit (haven’t we all), but nothing even holds a candle to what I’ve been through recently with facing these health challenges like throwing my back out, and suffering from severe adrenal burnout fatigue this past year.
I definitely don’t blame Thailand. A place that perfectly meshes Eastern culture with Western lifestyle, Thailand’s an amazing place to live. It literally has anything and everything you’d ever need to make yourself feel at home and comfortable with every imaginable amenity…but it’s hard to warm up to any place when you’re dealing with a broken back like mine, and so severe, it actually prevented me from sleeping for 2 months straight in the beginning of 2018 due to excruciating pain. “Happy New Years!” Yeah right…gag.
So in May, I decided to pack my bags and head back to Mama Bali next month and either have her help aid in my resurrection or finally finish me off for good…Only time will tell, and at this point, I’m cool with whatever happens either way.
Thailand did serve a purpose though. In fact, I’ve had the nicest, most comfortably adorned, self-made prison I’d ever chosen to rot my keister in. During daily contemplative re-visitations to my long-lost and forgotten shadow self and all of its destructive behavior, I have been ever so bluntly reminded why I can never allow myself to live in this type of enclosed space cohesively molded by pain and debilitating depression ever again…
I know there’s no coincidence and definitely reasons why I’d been brought back into awareness of my self-hatred. It still exists, very much alive and well within me. Apparently, it had been lying dormant the last 4 years, only to awake suddenly from its slumber and now present itself like a raging, angry dragon whose sole intent is to wreak havoc on my physical and emotional psyche.
And boy let me tell you, there is nothing quite like a major health condition to smack you around a bit in a convincing confrontation with your old demon pals. Because it’s obviously far easier to feel calm, confident, peaceful, secure and serene when you feel healthy, fit and let’s just say…lickety-splickety fucking dandy.
So here I am today… Sure I’m still standing, although with a composure that’s a bit broken, shattered, and crooked, but I must say how finely it compliments my exhaustion and the heavily fatigued look in my eyes…but hey, at least I’m able to once again acknowledge more than ever before how much life is really about continually coming into a deeper acceptance of ourselves and all the darkness residing within us, and viewing it as something not to be escaped, but as an aspect of ourselves that truly needs our loving attention the most.
Because really… I never did escape the darkness, I learned to love myself there…Part II.
Read Part I here:
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Photo Credit: Pixabay