“It’s OK, men like him will all be dead soon.” That’s what I used to tell myself about my grandfather- the man who sexually abused me and my mother before me. I thought that these “old white men” with an air of privilege and invincibility were a dying breed, and that eventually that “type” of man would simply die out, an outdated model that no longer had a place in our society. I always suspected that his particular form of abuse was born of a feeling of “ownership” of his family, that being a privileged white male had something to do with it, and I still do. Not that all sexual predators come from this place, but I think it’s a breeding ground.
I thought that men like my grandfather, who ironically went to a boarding military academy, and then went to an Ivy League College—just like Donald Trump, were on their way out. I thought we had seen the last of them. I looked forward to describing him to my sons and saying “You wouldn’t understand. It’s hard to imagine now.”
The similarities between Donald Trump and my grandfather are just too hard to ignore. My grandfather also grew up in Manhattan, the spoiled son of a prosperous man, a bit of a dandy in his cashmere socks, a strapping and handsome man, who was brash in his opinions, certain of his place in the world, and innocently thought of as “a bit of a playboy” and nothing more by his relatives friends and co workers. It was thought that his casual remarks were harmless, and they were indulged as if he were no more than a naughty child. “Oh Rex.” my grandmother would say, as she rolled her eyes, when he would say something inappropriate.
It was thought that his casual remarks were harmless, and they were indulged as if he were no more than a naughty child. “Oh Rex.” my grandmother would say, as she rolled her eyes, when he would say something inappropriate.
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It wasn’t so long ago that privileged white men thought of their wives and children as their property, much in the same way they owned slaves. People point out that Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka is nearly the perfect child by all accounts, but when well executed, that is how the dynamic works. I know, I looked perfect on the outside as well. The outside is all that matters. It’s part of the code. It’s what holds things in place. It’s all about how things look. She is a reflection of him, a vain narcissist, and the game only works if the children look perfect, beyond reproach. But she is a possession. On the Howard Stern Show, when Howard started talking about what a beauty his young daughter was growing into, Trump expressed pride that he contributed to her gene pool, and Howard Stern, knowing instinctively that he was speaking to this man’s vanity, ventured, “Can I refer to her as a piece of ass?” and Donald Trump GAVE HIS PERMISSION! He was proud to have a daughter that Howard Stern thought was a piece of ass.
What is at stake is our culture. Some men, men who are like my grandfather was when he was alive, will take this as a nod and a wink, a sign that that what they are doing is OK.
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I’m not saying that I think Donald Trump has sexually abused his daughters- that’s not what is at stake here. What is at stake is our culture. Some men, men who are like my grandfather was when he was alive, will take this as a nod and a wink, a sign that that what they are doing is OK. Just as racists interpret the election results to mean that their darkest longings to lash out are legitimized. We’ve seen it already, the graffiti on the walls, the hostile “Go back to where you came from” comments to people perceived to be from elsewhere.
A friend told me that at her daughter’s elementary school a group of little boys were going around grabbing little girl’s genitals and running away giggling, “I grabbed her pussy! I grabbed her pussy!” No doubt the boys had no understanding of the implications of their actions, and in a sense they are victims of this craziness as well. But this is how boys learn to be men. They emulate symbols of masculinity, and who is more worthy of emulation than the president of the free world? Who is more powerful? He’s the commander and chief of the world’s most powerful military for God’s sake. What little boy wouldn’t love that? Sure we can reason, as adults, that his power is held in check by the systems of government, but those subtleties are lost on a child. To them he’s the boss of everything.
I don’t think I need to spell it out, but any man who supports Trump is essentially saying to the women around him, “I think it’s OK for a man to talk like this about women. I think it’s OK for a man to go up to a random woman, kiss her, grab her pussy, whatever,” because by supporting him you are endorsing that behavior. And to any man who says, “I disagree with that kind of talk and those kind of actions, but I’m willing to overlook that because Trump is going to do so many other things that will be good for this country”, I say this, I say you are even worse.
I say that because you are telling women that you are willing to sell them out. You are telling the women in your life that they should keep their heads down and take this on the chin for what you perceive to be the greater good. You are asking women to say, “It’s OK, I’ll put my need to be treated as human aside, because that would be more convenient for you right now” and you are asking women to behave like victims. We are what we stand for and what we will tolerate. At least that’s how it used to be. People stood for things and stood up for things, especially when there was a larger principal at stake. What happened to the kind of man who would defend the women in his life at any cost?
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Photo credit: Getty Images
As an American living in Europe I find this entire new phase in the U.S. quite disarming. Ugliness abounds. Hopefully it will end soon.
I would like to know why the editorial policy of this blog would allow for the Pedophile tag to be associated to Trump.
Hiding behind lived experience, or the faux distance of “reminds me…” is not an excuse.
When Trump rails at the media, talks about libel laws etc – you are aiding his cause.
Why does it feel that I constantly need to defend this buffoon ?
Elissa, I wondered the same thing, but I think that the way this article was crafted, as a personal essay, and citing specific reasons why I feel this way, it would hold up. I specifically say that my point is not that he is a pedophile, but that his behavior could be construed as a nod and a wink to pedophiles, which I think would hold up. Trump doesn’t craft arguments, he just slanders, there is a difference.
So very powerful!
These are just my thoughts. This is how I feel. I am not presenting a danger to anyone by feeling this way. If I am reaching people who feel differently, then I have done my job. I don’t want to preach to the choir and stay in the loop of people who feel just like I do. That has proven to be disasterous. So let’s all stay cool and share opinions. Just as I need to be able to understand why people voted for Trump, other people need to understand why others of us are going batshit crazy over this… Read more »
You guys are bound and determined to turn 4 years of Trump into 8. You consistently have shown no understanding of, and accepted no responsibility for, the things that led us down this path.
Diz, are you a ‘real human being’, or are you a character created to mock the shallow, uninformed thought process of the trump voters? Is there a liberal behind the creation of ‘Diz’ the character, just to have some fun? “You don’t know. So why don’t you just wait and see?” they ask. Actually, I do know. We have seen and heard Donald Trump’s vision for America. That’s the point of the election process, to get to know the candidates and make an informed decision regarding who to cast our vote for. I studied the man. I studied Donald Trump… Read more »
Rage? lets not cheapen another word. You guys already ruined “racist” and “oppression.” Wearing safety pins and writing blog posts isn’t raging. Rage is VIOLENT UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER. Some of the arrested rioters were raging. Of course over 50% of them didnt even bother to vote. I didn’t vote for the orange clown either. I found him to be a terrible candidate. I also found Clinton to be a terrible candidate. Should I have “raged” if Clinton was elected? Why do I think the ones who would be “raging” after a Clinton victory would be slammed on these very pages? I… Read more »
Sidubyah, Brian did not cheapen the word “rage”, he was quoting a line from a well known poem by Welsh poet Dylan Thomas “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night”. Then you helpfully point out that the rioters were the ones raging. Raging rioters? I didn’t see that reported, and having witnessing the protests here in NYC for myself, if indeed that is what you are referring to, I didn’t see anything that could be even loosely referred to as “raging rioters”. And now I find out that someone polled these raging rioters somehow, and discovered that 50% of… Read more »
You didn’t see it reported? Gee, imagine that. I bet you also didn’t see reporting on the violent hate crimes perpetrated against white people by Clinton supporters, such as the elderly Trump supporter who was beaten and had his car stolen, or the high school girl who was beaten for supporting Trump.
The corrupt press is a major part of what caused this, and what is causing people to freak out, riot, and burn cities to the ground. If you haven’t heard of any of this, you are either being willfully blind, or only read Salon.
No truly I didn’t. And so thank you. Maybe I’ll learn something. I’m going to look it up right now. Do you feel like “the progressives” have committing just as many hate crimes agains Trump supporters as Trump supporters have been committing against progressives?
Also can you tell me which city has burned to the ground? I seem to be missing major news events somehow.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/11/10/not-my-president-thousand-protest-trump-in-rallies-across-the-u-s/ This is just a taste. And I would absolutely say that the anti Trump crowd is more violent than the pro Trump one. It is very telling to me that whenever racist graffiti gets put up by alleged Trump supporters, or someone allegedly gets beaten by them, no one ever sees it happen or it turns out to be a hoax. In the cases I listed though: http://abc7chicago.com/news/video-shows-onlookers-yelling-anti-trump-taunts-during-attack/1601096/ Not only does video evidence exist, it was taken by the attackers because they are so convinced that they aren’t doing anything wrong. The left wing media sure isn’t reporting it,… Read more »
You still haven’t spoken to the question I raise in the essay. I was hoping you would be able to tell me why it is ever ok to vote for someone who is on record, repeatedly, talking about women in such a disrespectful manner. I have yet to hear a coherent and persuasive argument for why this should be overlooked.
Why should I care what his personal feelings on women are? I am talking about real, tangible things here. Besides, you didn’t ask me about his opinions on women. What you did ask me aboit were violent acts by both camps, and when I showed you what I talked about you skirted right by it.
How about you address what I showed you, THEN we can derail the discussion to what you what you want it to be.
You look like David Futrelle. This has been a bad week for your kind, and you insist on digging that hole even deeper.