Hey, Heather
I think I need a rescue. My girlfriend of two years moved in with me four months ago. We’re both in our early thirties and have talked about marriage. I love her. We have similar values and hopes for the future. We approach life the same way and have always just seemed in sync. Before she moved in, we only had one major fight that was due to stupid, pointless drama.
For the past month or so, we’re experiencing tension and conflict that isn’t typical for us. We might be watching TV together or something and I’ll say I am going outside to read and when she wants to come, I just say, I need down time. I love her but I don’t have any kind of expectations that we’re always together when we’re home at the same time.
I don’t want every bit of free time to be couple time. I am used to having time to myself to just be still, not talk. I tried explaining this to her and told her it was exhausting to be “on” all the time and she started to cry, saying she didn’t know that I had to “fake” it with her and that I should have said something before she moved in.
I feel stuck in trying to understand or explain what is going on. Help?
Oh, my friend…
Welcome to it.
First, slow down. Don’t panic.
All is not going to hell in a handcart and you are not in crisis although one or both of you might feel like you are.
Some are going to jump on this and say that she is too needy, emotional, or controlling. Just slow down from that thinking, if you are, and try not to blame or judge. We can’t define “controlling” from one epic meltdown.
Here’s the thing. What you are stumbling on is that you have two different attachment styles. You have grown accustomed to feeling close to her and connected whether you are with her or without her. She may have gotten accustomed to tuning into you whenever you were together and needs or wants to hang out whenever possible.
This is probably how you got here:
Before she moved in, you probably got your alone time whenever you were working around her schedule. If you guys weren’t together, you could get a breather on your own, around her availability. You may not have even consciously known you’re doing it but you were managing your need for alone time with your need for couple time.
Now that she is around all the time, it feels suffocating. You feel like you’re never alone and she’s perceiving your need as a change since she moved in. That is likely turning into a worry that your feelings for her are changing now that she has moved in. She may never have known that you were someone who needed alone time if you just took it whenever she wasn’t around.
You might not have even known that you needed it, until you didn’t have it.
Here’s what’s next:
- Validate for her that your desire to be alone must seem like a shift or a change to her because you never went off by yourself when you were on a date with her or when you spent a weekend together.
- Explain how you used to take that time when she wasn’t around and now that she is, you just need to figure out a way to get it without it damaging the relationship
- You said “being on” and the pun-intended switch got “lit” for her. She quickly created a story that you were distancing.
- Explain how you are someone who gets energy by being alone. That’s how introverts are typically described. If that concept resonates with you, share that.
- Consider observing that you know she gets her energy from being with other people so that when she gets extra time with her loved ones, she lights up but you’d burn out.
- Explain that your need for alone time is not a reflection of your love for her or how you feel about the relationship but that it’s what you need to move through the world.
- Stay in this place until you think you have more of an understanding
- Once you guys have that understanding, you can work together to find times when you can be alone that are scheduled and that you can count on having, in addition to the moments you’re able to just grab on your own.
- You’ll also want to identify times when she would prefer to be together. For example, it might be harder for her to connect with you in the bedroom if you’re taking the hour alone right before bed.
If she still struggles with understanding…
People tend to overreact and freak out when major differences first pop up in new stages of a relationship. If you guys have been together for two years and she is just learning about this, she is probably creating some kind of story, wondering what else she doesn’t know or how else you’re going to change.
Just keep being and doing you. Stay steady and true to who you are and talk her down.
If she doesn’t come down, encourage her to spend some time reading about introverts in relationships. I really like this one by Seth Adam Smith but there is a ton out there on this. Relationships with introverts and extroverts can work. You just have to negotiate it out.
If she understands but still disagrees…
This is where we are talking worst case scenario. If she completely gets what you’re trying to say but she is offended that you need time alone or feels threatened by it, you are bumping up against non-negotiable needs. Her need for more together time is in battle with your need for alone time.
If needs were negotiable, we’d call them wants.
If she gets where you are coming from but decides that you are defining a relationship different than what she needs in a relationship, it’s better to know now and part ways because you are facing a deal breaker.
However, once both partners understand that this is just a difference in relational styles and not a difference in feelings about the relationship, the couple can usually work this out with compromise, understanding, and a desire to meet each other’s needs.
I strongly suspect that you’ve got this and that you’ll work this out. Keep me posted on how it goes.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Image by David Mark from Pixabay