“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” —Viktor Frankl
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I exited the Interstate 240 ramp in Asheville, NC. When I gazed to my left, the driver in a little red car that had been in front of me flipped me the bird. Astonished at first, I then noticed a flash of anger rise up in me. It wanted me to yell obscenities and return the gesture. Instead, I watched the anger from a dispassionate distance until it calmed down. I haven’t always been able to regulate my emotional reactions (second zingers—the ones with which we impale ourselves) to situations over which I have no control (first zingers—the ones life throws at us). But in this instance, despite the unpleasant encounter, I was able to curb my second zinger of anger, have less suffering, and continue on my way enjoying the beautiful autumn afternoon.
All of us have first and second zingers multiple times a day, but too few of us are resilient enough to regulate them.
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Chances are you’ve heard the age-old question, “How is life treating you?” But the real question is, “How are you treating life?” When life throws a curveball (first zinger), how many of us flip our lids and say or do things we later regret (second zingers)? The first zinger is unpleasant for sure, but the real distress comes from the second zinger reaction that adds insult to injury. All of us have first and second zingers multiple times a day, but too few of us are resilient enough to regulate them. We often react to life’s inevitable hardships from the automatic fight-or-flight state as if random events are personally threatening—even when they’re not. Think about it. You wouldn’t change lanes on the interstate before checking your rear view mirror. And you wouldn’t shoot a gun and then aim at the target. You would take the time to check out your surroundings and then act.
Another example. Ever had an itch and the more you scratch it, the more it itches? Maybe you can’t do anything about the itch, but you can do something about the scratch. The itch is a first zinger, and the scratch is a second zinger. Suppose you hit your head on a kitchen cabinet. After the first zinger of pain comes the second zinger of judgment: “Ouch! I’m such a klutz!” Or how many times have you been in the middle of an activity that required your full attention when someone interrupts you (first zinger)? Perhaps you’re irritated (second zinger). The author resilience option helps you recognize you’re irritated and cushions you from the irritation so you don’t impale yourself with a second zinger (in this case blow up).
All writers encounter hardships, devastating heartbreak, or minor annoyances. You get a bad review, writer’s block shows up, an editor rejects your best writing, or someone in your writing group gives you negative feedback. What do you do? Some days it feels like disappointment and letdowns come at us from all angles at lightning speed. Second zingers nibble away at us like death from a million cuts. After a while, it feels like we can’t tolerate one more slash much less face the blank page. Statistics say more of us have the stamina to continue taking safety risks after a car crash than to continue after a series of psychological defeats. It takes some practice, but the author resilience option makes it possible to learn to act instead of react.
Here’s how. When you get clobbered by bad news, notice you’re in an unpleasant emotional state—such as disappointment, anger, or frustration—try holding it at arm’s length and observing it impartially as a separate part of you. Think of it as you might observe a blemish on your hand then get curious about where it came from. Instead of pushing away the unpleasant feeling, ignoring it, or steamrolling over it, the key is to acknowledge it with something like, “Hello frustration, I see you’re active today.” This simple recognition relaxes the second zinger so you can face the real hardship—the first zinger—with more clarity and ease. Once you develop the skill to separate first and second zingers, you realize you don’t have to react every time you get zinged. I developed the acronym WRITE as a quick and easy tool to help you bring mindful attention and self-compassion to your second zingers, reduce stress, and build writing resilience:
Watch what’s going on inside with a dispassionate eye when you’re triggered by an
upsetting or threatening writing situation (first zinger). Once you’re aware of your
activation, you’re in that mindful space.
Respond with acceptance instead of resistance to the first zinger and the internal
reaction exactly as it is by stepping back, taking a breath, and continuing to watch
your reaction with an impartial eye.
Invite your activated feelings to relax so you can choose your response by acting
instead of reacting and with curiosity and compassion soothe them.
Talk your inner reactions off the ledge in a mental whisper, “I’m here with you” or
“We’ve got this.”
Enjoy the ease you feel inside, notice the space to freely choose your action, and
respond in a calm, confident, and compassionate way then go write.
A few hours before the recent launch of my new book, DAILY WRITING RESILIENCE: 365 MEDITATIONS & INSPIRATIONS FOR WRITERS, I got a chance to practice what I preach. My spouse informed me that our heating system was on the blink, and due to the single-digit temperatures, he would spend the evening searching for a repair company instead of attending the event. I took a deep breath, watched, and comforted the disappointed part of me.
Practicing WRITE during sudden adversity inhibits the automatic fight-or-flight reaction.
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Later that evening, at a packed Malaprop’s Bookstore and Café in Asheville, NC, I waited for my friend Sara Gruen, author of WATER FOR ELEPHANTS, who would interview me about the book. Minutes before stepping up to the microphone in front of 110 eager attendees, the event planner whispered in my ear, “Sara has the flu and won’t be able to make it.” I gulped. But thanks to WRITE, a voice inside said, “We’ve got this.” My inner resilience was palpable, and I was able to carry everything off without a hitch—even felt like I was ready for a third zinger if the universe decided to throw one my way.
The beauty of the author resilience option is that it helps us remember that writing success isn’t the absence of upset or adversity but the willingness to throw open our arms and embrace it all. When we welcome first and second zingers, we don’t have to suffer the effects of them. Practicing WRITE during sudden adversity inhibits the automatic fight-or-flight reaction. It allows writers to become mindful of the space between first and second zingers that psychologist Viktor Frankl describes. In that space, we get to choose our actions and respond with three C’s: calm, confidence, and compassion. Over time we widen our resilient zone as we face literary hard knocks—no matter how painful, frustrating, big or small—as lessons from which to learn. This mindset, coupled with loving-kindness and self-compassion, empowers us to bounce back quicker and higher than we fall with less suffering, more resilience, and greater writing success.
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