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Do we deserve to be happy? Modern culture teaches us from childhood that happiness, however ill-defined, is the ultimate goal in life. It’s the last scene of the movie before the music swells and the credits roll (unless you are a fan of Marvel movies, that is). It’s new car smell, or hanging the “Sold” placard on the realtor sign in front of your new house. That sensation of complete and utter contentment where you no longer want nor need anything. Don’t we all deserve that happy ending? We might think so, but reality has a funny way of subverting our expectations, and the truth is the universe does not care if we are happy. So what is the secret to being happy in our own little corner of reality? Stop trying to be happy. Let me explain.
Billionaires should be supremely happy. They have everything they could ever want, right? Access to wealth and a lifestyle that Egyptian pharaohs and European monarchs could only dream of. Yet we see them in the news every day being charged with corruption or some other crime because they got caught trying to illegally increase their already unfathomable wealth even more. Or they convinced themselves that their wealth and status made them above the petty laws of the “common folk”. If I was handed a billion dollars right now, you would never see or hear from me again. So what makes the rich and powerful in our culture seem so desperate to get even richer and more powerful that they commit crimes and take advantage of already underprivileged people to get it? Simple – they do not know how to be happy with what they have, and their minds have been twisted by a culture that obsesses about more instead of now.
I’m not saying that people shouldn’t strive for success, or attain wealth, or advance their station in society if that matters to them. The problem is that people seem to have lost the ability to just stop and finally be content at some point. It took me years to reach that kind sanity, and I am still working out how it all works, but here is the rub: You do not deserve to be happy in the grand scheme of reality, but you still can be. Here’s how.
We live in a world of cause and effect, reward and punishment. We see genius billionaires like Steve Jobs, talented professional athletes, actors, musicians, and more recently, social media “influencers” all praised by their fans with religious fervor. Don’t those people deserve their wealth, success, fame, and happiness? Well, no, to be honest. At the end of the day, they are just people doing a job like everyone else. Society and culture has evolved to grant these people an iconic status, and I am sure many of them glean a great deal of satisfaction from their celebrity, but they are still the same fallible human beings that you and I are. Because we hold those people up as the ideal of success and happiness, an ideal that the vast majority of people can never reach, we generate unrealistic expectations for ourselves and forget how to live in our own reality in a contented and satisfying way.
Think about it. When was the last time you stopped and truly reflected on the amazing fact that you are alive right now? Have you ever been stopped at a traffic light and thought, “Wow, my eyes can take in all of this light, all of these shapes, colors, and objects, and my brain can create the picture that I am seeing without any conscious effort on my part”? Have you ever looked at a tree and marveled at the fact that you can see a tree and know what it is? Our brains absorb and process huge amounts of sensory input to craft the reality we see around us, but we don’t notice most of that reality because we are too busy admiring the expensive car that just pulled up next to us. Our minds are held captive by aspirations that society has told us we should have, and few if any of us were taught how to filter out the nonsense and create an internal dialogue that appreciates what is rather than what is not.
I was a hostage to those thoughts for many years. I kept telling myself that if only I could get promoted, or make more money, or get a nicer car, or buy a bigger house, I’d finally be happy. But that list continues to grow no matter how many boxes you have previously checked. Why is it so hard for us to simply accept what we have and be happy instead of constantly looking towards the horizon? I’ll pause here to acknowledge that my ideas are influenced by my American, straight, white, male privilege, and that this only works by assuming that you already have enough to be minimally healthy, safe, and secure. I fully understand and acknowledge that many people struggle on a daily basis just to survive, and these sorts of philosophical musings are hardly relevant to their situation. However, acknowledging my privilege was one the biggest pieces of the puzzle for me, which is why I brought up the billionaires at the beginning.
In societies like the U.S., even people who are considered “poor” still have access to a lifestyle of wealth and leisure unheard of in previous civilizations, and still unreachable in many parts of the world. How is it then that so many Americans are depressed, stressed out, nihilistic, and confronted with a host of psychological disorders (and their associated physical ailments)? Again, I am not talking about people who are legitimately impoverished, disenfranchised, or mentally ill. I am talking about people like me – middle and upper class, healthy, and comfortable – who spend most of their time obsessing about other people’s lives or the next thing they think will bring them happiness. The kicker is, if more people like me spent less time obsessing over material things in the hope that wealth equals happiness, we could spend more time improving the lives of all those other people who don’t even have the chance to vapidly obsess over such things.
Happiness, like all things in life, is a matter of balance. We should not make ourselves so content that we stop trying to make the world a better place, for ourselves and for others. But we must also be self-aware enough to notice when we are obsessing over the promise of future happiness rather than just living in the moment. Try it out. Put your phone down (or ignore your computer) for a moment, and look around wherever you happen to be. I mean really look. Pay attention to the little things you usually ignore. Marvel at the simple fact that you exist for a moment, in this time and place, and that is worth being happy about in and of itself. The universe doesn’t owe us happiness, but we can stop expecting happiness to be just around the corner and realize that we’re already happy now.
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