Sebastian Callow hears how confidence makes the man so often it’s become cliché. He’d like to suggest an alternative.
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Confidence is universally recognized as one of the most attractive traits a man can possess. You’ll be very hard pressed to find any dating adverts by women looking for men lacking confidence. However, I would argue, based on my experience, that there is one quality that women value more than confidence.
That quality is courage.
Confidence can be defined as “A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance,” or, “The state or quality of being certain.” Meanwhile, courage can be defined as “The ability to do something that you know is right or good, even though it is dangerous, frightening, or very difficult.” So, it would seem that the difference between confidence and courage is in certainty; confidence contains certainty while courage does not. Courage often involves stepping into the unknown, into seemingly dangerous or frightening situations.
Why then, if courage is lacking in certainty, would it be a more attractive trait than confidence?
Because courage represents the willingness to take a risk whereas confidence does not. Confidence, as valuable as it is, still operates within the realm of safety. It operates within the realm of the known. This is part of its beauty because it allows a definite outcome, but it is also its limitation because it cannot operate outside the realm of the known. In order to step into the unknown it takes courage!
A man who operates only in the realms of safety and the known doesn’t have the willingness to take a risk. He only takes the calculated risks that he knows will succeed, which, ultimately, are no risks at all.
A man who is prepared to step beyond the realms of the known for what he believes to be right and good will take any risk, and consequently his capabilities are limitless. This is the man who has courage!
A courageous man has the capability to approach any woman, in any situation, should he feel compelled. He knows not what the result will be.
A courageous man has the willingness to express exactly how he feels without any veil of insincerity. He knows not what the result will be.
A courageous man has the openness to be fragile or vulnerable or weak, even when it is expected that he should be solid and protected and strong. He knows not whether this will mean he is perceived favorably or unfavorably.
Courage opens up the doors to infinitely more possibility than confidence. And ultimately, women do not want to be limited by a man who only operates within the finite arena of confidence.
Don’t believe me?
Go out and ask some female friends if they’d aspire to be with a man who is afraid to express his emotions, who is afraid to be vulnerable, or who is afraid to be real and true to the intimacy of telling it exactly how it is. They might settle for a guy like this but it certainly isn’t what they aspire to.
In my own life I can say that I spent a long time in the absence of courage, a long time trying to live up to the confident man I thought I was expected to be. I never allowed myself to step beyond the known. I never strayed from the well-worn path of being self-assured. This placed a definitive limit on how deep my relationships could go, on how much trust and intimacy I could inspire in a woman.
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When I finally found myself breaking free of the limitedness of confidence and embracing the expansive uncertainty of courageousness, suddenly, my relationships had a depth that seemed almost infinite. The courage to express myself with unreserved vulnerability inspired the trust that was required for a woman to reveal the fullness of her beauty to me.
Women are dying to meet men who are willing to step into the unknown. Men of Courage!
What does this mean practically?
It means don’t be afraid to express yourself if it feels right.
It means don’t be afraid to be in touch with your emotions if it feels good.
It means don’t be afraid to reveal your vulnerability in order to protect your ego.
Ultimately, it means don’t be afraid. Or, more accurately, whether or not you are afraid, take the actions that feel right and good in abandonment of protecting your ego.
Don’t expect that you have to be confident at all times. When confidence is absent courageousness takes over. Be courageous!
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photo: alyssafilmmaker / flickr
Interesting article and it’s timely. In my life, I’ve struggled with confidence but I always been told that I’m courageous. Some men call it balls; but I just always been a brutally honest person with myself and the world around me. I have a strong moral compass and I’m not afraid to speak up. I always thought confidence is cool but a “safe” way of conducting life for yourself because you stick to what you know for certain. Courage is something COMPLETELY different and I agree there needs to be more Courage. I heard once that….”a man only has so… Read more »
Confidence comes easily when you believe you are superior to your date.
Courage too, after you’ve put yourself in a position where you have nothing to lose.
I’m not trying to be cynical, but I am reminding men that the pursuit of these two attractive qualities can poison and imprison men as easily as anything we do to look handsome.
That was a great article Sebastian – Well done is well said!
Much of what you say is true, however, acts of courage can lead to the development of authentic confidence.
That’s true!
Finally found this article. Brilliant! Perfect!
I’m writing an article on confidence and you’ve helped me frame my wording differently.
Yes, courage can be a path to authentic confidence.
And, yes, to zjsimon below…if not done from the proper motivation, it can simply be a ploy to feel superior and unaffected.
I think courage can build confidence in your own values and assurance that you will survive regardless of the choices of others.
I’ve always hated the unabashed sanctification of confidence as a good quality. If confidence usually paired with ability, intelligence, or success, I could see the appeal, but it often doesn’t. People who have a confident persona often have nothing to justify it. It’s the reason America’s in the political mess it’s in, because people are more interested in maintaining an appearance of confidence–of saving face–than they are with accomplishing effective goals. When I was online dating, it would be an instant turn-off to me to read that a woman wanted a “confident” man; I thought they would probably end up… Read more »
Thank you, Paul. I agree with every word you write.
It takes a wise person to know and acknowledge also what s/he <i<doesn't now.
A fantastic point and really eye-opening to think about the differences between courage and confidence. I must say that it is likely these two traits in balance or intermixed with other traits such as humility and integrity that ultimately make a respectable man. I understand using comparison as a device for emphasis, but there is no real reason to say one is more important or powerful than the other. They are all needed at different times. Certainly well written regardless. Thanks for sharing Sebastian.
You’re right Jeff, they are both needed at different times. However, often the idea that a man must be confident is precisely what holds him back from expressing himself. If a man can let go of the ‘need’ to be confident perhaps he’ll find himself with a much greater freedom of expression, and paradoxically, he’ll likely become more confident in the long run. This was certainly the case for me. The message, in essence, is that when confidence is lacking courageousness can often be counted on. In particular, it can be counted on to move along avenues of more vulnerable… Read more »