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Ten Acquired Brain Injury Survivors, a few Caregivers and I attended a Music Matters group at the Krempels Center in Portsmouth, New Hampshire (a post-brain injury rehabilitation program for people with Acquired Brain Injuries.) Genni, a Music Therapy Intern at the Portsmouth Music Arts Center was invited to run the group.
She placed several percussion instruments on a table and members got to choose which one they wanted to play during the 45-minute session. I saw tambourines, bells and different types of drums and rattles I’d never seen before. All were uniquely shaped and many were very decorative. I realized that out of the vast assortment of instruments, there would be at least one to match everyone’s disability. I needed to find the one that fit mine.
There were instruments you could play with one hand or two hands, hold in your hand and shake it, or place it in your lap and hit it with your hand or a stick. Each of them made different types of sounds such as loud, soft, high pitch, low pitch, rattling, pounding and ringing. There were so many choices it sent my damaged frontal lobe into overload!
I took a deep breath and thought about my issues with loud noises that startled and overloaded me. I also thought about how my left hand becomes easily fatigued and painful in only a short period of time (which often leads to me dropping things out of that hand.) I took another look around the table and carefully chose a small, egg-shaped shaker that made a pleasant sound. I chose it because it fit perfectly in the palm of my hand and I could use either hand to play it if the hand I was using got fatigued or painful. I felt pretty confident that I didn’t have to worry about accidentally dropping it or launching it across the room at another member.
As members filtered into the room, they picked up an instrument and sat in a circle. Genni explained to us that music therapy is important in the recovery of brain injury because it lights up parts of the brain which are involved in movement, planning, attention, learning and memory. The brain releases chemicals and makes connections on both sides of the brain. In doing so, music helps improve a person’s quality of life and promotes healing.
Several members shared how music has helped them with memory, sequencing, auditory processing, concentration, mood, anxiety, motivation, positive thinking, meditation, recalling memories, and reducing pain and stress.
Genni warmed us up with some rhythmic exercises where she played a beat on a drum and then we repeated it with our percussion instruments. This gave members a chance to get familiar with their instrument and switch it out with another one if it wasn’t the right match for them.
She then picked up a beautiful, midnight blue colored acoustic guitar and began playing and singing the song, Listen to the Music, by the Doobie Brothers. Members drummed along to the beat and sang out loud,
“Whoa! Listen to the music.
Whoa! Listen to the music.
Whoa! Listen to the music.
All the time. ”
The song filled my mind with happy thoughts of how I persevered to improve the quality of my life and became involved with the wonderful people at the Krempels Center.
Not all of the beats were being played on time and the notes weren’t being sung in perfect pitch, but as I listened intensely, I noticed Genni had the voice of an angel. She was being accompanied by a group of fallen angels with brain injuries and some caregivers who were playing instruments and singing their hearts out as if they were on the stage of Carnegie Hall. It was like heaven on earth!
Genni then handed members a piece of paper with the lyrics to the song, Changes, by David Bowie. She proceeded to play it through a Bluetooth speaker and people sang aloud,
“I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
How the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Wow! I was blown away by the lyrics and they made me instantly think about my long and weary brain injury journey. Even though I had changed due to my Traumatic Brain Injury, I struggled for many years to try and live my life as the old me. I kept looking inward expecting me to be the same person I was before the accident, but what I constantly saw was a stranger.
I didn’t like that stranger then and sometimes I still don’t like him now!
Even worse, as I tried with all of my might to be the old me (which constantly ended in failure), some people who knew me before my accident thought I was faking my injury. Whether I wanted to or not, and regardless of what anyone else thought, I had become a different man and the changes (cognitive, behavioral, emotional and physical) were permanent.
Every minute of every day I struggle to accept that.
My happy mood slowly dissipated and became replaced with sadness. Tears from a million old emotions, thoughts and failures from living a lifetime with brain injuries began to fill my eyes.
Memories of days gone by filled my mind — from being a child racking up concussions playing tackle football, serving in the military, working and doing my best to raise a family. How I falsely learned from an older generation of men what it took to be a man, how to deal with and resolve problems with violence, and never letting anyone know how I feel.
I realized it was all a bunch of bull!
I should’ve been taught:
• Value and protect my brain as if it was the universe because injuring it could result in permanent damage or recovery that could take a long time.
• Long-term quality of life is more important than playing games which can damage the brain via concussions and / or a multitude of sub-concussive hits.
• It’s okay to talk about your feelings and resolve conflicts without violence.
The group continued to sing,
“Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time”
I thought about a previous group on shame and guilt I had attended a while back in the same classroom. All my life I’ve been buried up to my neck in shame and guilt because of my brain injuries when I shouldn’t have been. The people who were supposed to look out for me and my safety should be ashamed of what they did to me and others when we were children!
Traces of every hit, emotion, memory, feeling and abuse (verbal and physical) had been permanently embedded into and crisscrossed through my mind, body and soul. Each one of them had an impact on my family members, friends, co-workers and others.
Traces felt and seen within me by an assortment of therapists I had been to over the course of my life. Their horrified gasps, which from time to time uncontrollably leaped out of their mouths, didn’t go unnoticed by me.
From Traumatic Brain Injury to muscle memory to physical and emotional trauma, we worked together to learn how the tangled mess inside of me happened and then decided on which strategies I could use to live a better quality of life as I moved forward in recovery.
When I snapped out of the thoughts that had consumed me, Genni had redirected the group to another activity with the song, Count on Me, by Bruno Mars. As the song played I thought, “What a wonderful song to end an awesome group with awesome people!”
I looked around the room and saw happy faces singing, swaying bodies using their instruments to make percussive sounds, and friendship. My tears began to dry up and my mood greatly improved. I then put Music Therapy into my toolbox of strategies I could use to improve the quality of my life as I moved forward in recovery.
No matter what life has thrown at me thus far, I’m glad the changes in my life (good and bad) have led me to the Krempels Center, where I have many friends, interns and staff I can count on to get me through the next stages of my life. A place where the focus is on improving member’s quality of life, helping new members accept the person they’ve become, providing support to caregivers and educating others in the community about acquired brain injuries.
It’s also a place where members can share their stories to teach other members, interns and staff about the complexities of their individual brain injuries and which therapies work best for them.
If you or someone you know has an acquired brain injury, the Krempels Center is the place to be after the completion of formal brain injury rehabilitation because:
“You can count on me like 1, 2, 3.
I’ll be there.
And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4, 3, 2.
You’ll be there.
‘Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah!”
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Photo: Getty Images
Ted, thanks for this thoughtful and poignant sharing. Many of us who have suffered physical traumas as part of our cultural/emotional misdirection and male dominance, benefit when hearing each other’s stories.