Guys tend not to share their feelings, even with close friends. As a result, we miss out on the mental and physical health benefits that come with expressing emotion.
I have a buddy who I have counted among my closest friends for the last 17 years. We’ve done a lot, watched sports, gone on vacation, and celebrated far too many birthdays, Christmases, and other moments together to count.
Recently, I was talking to him about my experience living in Australia for the past year and a half. I was telling him that although living down under has been great, at times I feel homesick, especially during the holiday season. Our conversation went something like this:
“It’s challenging, man. I mean, I like living in Australia and everything, but the U.S. is my home. I miss everyone, I miss my family. It just feels lonely sometimes, you know?”
He quickly changed the subject and replied, “Yeah, that’s too bad, but what about those ladies in Australia?!”
The abrupt change of topic from my feelings of loneliness to a discussion about women highlighted the difficulty some men have with expressing emotion or hearing it expressed by friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that my friend cares about me, but I can honestly say that in 17 years, he and I have only shared our emotions when it was about sports.
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It’s true, and rather odd, that men are much more likely to reveal emotions to romantic partners than close friends—while the reverse is true for women.
Psychologist and author Kevin McClone believes that most male relationships are more behaviorally based than emotionally based. When men get together we tend to spend time doing an activity—playing sports, exercising, going someplace—and not simply talking. This means that male intimacy is usually about doing stuff together and not about talking about feelings face to face.
Research tells us that expressing emotions builds close relationships. And sharing feelings can also have several positive mental and physical health related outcomes, such as relieving tension caused by the build up of everyday stressors, as well as the trauma of major life difficulties.
Expressing emotions also reduces the likelihood of acquiring stress-related problems such as muscle aches and tension headaches. Some psychologists believe that the most important aspect of life is feeling connected to another person—and one way to enhance closeness is through sharing feelings. Recent research has also showed that suppression of emotion is an important factor in male depression. Put another way, men who suppress their emotions are more likely to report depressive symptoms than those who express emotions more often.
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There are a number of reasons why men hold back from expressing feelings to other men. One is our tendency to associate the expression of sadness and hurt with weakness. Or, as a colleague of mine put it: “for men, if you feel, then you’re weak.” According to author Arlie Hochschild, there are implicit societal rules that dictate which emotions can be expressed by men versus those that can be expressed by women; men avoid expressing emotions out of a fear of being seen as “feminine.”
According to this view, emotions like anger and aggression are seen as masculine whereas emotions such as fear, hurt, and sadness—as well as behaviors such as crying—are considered feminine. Living by these rules is problematic because men experience a broad array of emotions, but still feel pressured to suppress their feelings. Instead of pretending that we do not experience such vulnerable emotions, I believe that we would feel more connected to ourselves and those we care about if we expressed our feelings.
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Ironically, three days after I began writing this piece I received a call from the friend I mentioned above. His partner recently ended their relationship and according to him “I figured you would be good to chat to about that.” As he explained his feelings of heartbreak and disappointment I didn’t change the subject or ask him how his favorite sports team was doing, I simply listened.
Here’s a suggestion. Next time your friend informs you that he has a lot on his mind ask him to discuss his feelings. Better yet, if he lets it slip out that he feels sad, hurt, or down, instead of running from the conversation, let him know that his masculinity remains as solid as ever.
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Read more: Bawlin’
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Billy Johnson II is a Registered Clinical Psychologist in Private Practice and a University Lecturer at Australian Catholic University. His clinical and research interest include men and masculinity, sexual behavior, and cultural diversity.
—Photo by Kevin N. Murray/Flickr
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In reference to this quote from the article: “Research tells us that expressing emotions builds close relationships. And sharing feelings can also have several positive mental and physical health related outcomes, such as relieving tension caused by the build up of everyday stressors, as well as the trauma of major life difficulties.”
Can someone point me to that research source?
Thanks, from an open and talkative guy,
Rob Harrison
Co-Director
Whidbey CareNet
http://www.whidbeycarenet.org
I used to have a close male friend that I grew up with, and would confide things to. I even cried to when things went really wrong. Best friends since kindergarten till we were about 42. Then he fell down the “crack cocaine” hole. I tried to help, no use. He wasn`t even at his own dads funeral, or my moms, or my dads. I cried by myself the other night… when the doctor called to tell me I had prostate cancer. I really could have used my ole friends support…
Through Sharing emotion with your friends or any other you can realize more satisfaction and this blog is very good for our emotions. Nice sharing.
This seems like just more male bashing, in the name of pseudo science, (e.g., called “normative male alexithymia”). I believe that mens’ relative stoicism may have served humankind well over the millenia, and nutured their protective roles in society. Perhaps we should acknowledge the relative strengths of normative gender roles, and stop making it sound that males are damaged goods or in need of major work to be even tolerated in our society.
Dude, he was talking about how he wanted a more emotional connection with his male friend, and how, as a man, he finds that hard to do because of social pressures. How is men talking about their own issues and societal limitations “male-bashing”?
Seriously? I didn’t hear any males being bashed. I did hear a stereotype being challenged. As a guy who doesn’t share much of my emotion, I do have a group of guys in whom I can confide. We hang out together, watch sports together, eat and drink together. And when one of us has some tough stuff going on, we know that we have 6 other guys we can talk to. We have, on more than one ocassion, met to rally around a friend whose life had turned sideways. And that would not have happened, if we hadn’t created some… Read more »
This emotional alienation men experience is largely a product of the two world wars. Before those horrifying events, men were freer with their emotions. Look at literature: King Arthur and Lancelot fell upon one another and wept copiously with the strength of their feelings. Job’s friends sat in the dust with him for three days, just mourning with him. My mother’s father was born in the 1890’s and she tells how he had no problem crying any time the urge presented itself. He cried without fear or hesitation, just as he would laugh. She talks about her brother coming home… Read more »
This article comes at a timely moment for me, as I just made plans with a male friend of mine to get together for drinks…and to mostly talk. We met years ago through our shared love of football, but occasionally get together for a ‘guys night out’ where we actually share what’s going on in our lives. The other day he called me, which I thought was odd, because we normally text, to tell me that we should get together soon…and that he and his wife were divorcing. That experience, and this article, are a helpful reminder to me that… Read more »