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For a man to commit to healing is to open their innermost being to the chaotic unpredictability of the Universe. To feel her profound caress is to risk falling in love and to risk caring. As modern men, we desperately need to honor our bodies to simply be human …
On the Fear of Healing
We as men are fearful of healing because to heal requires vulnerability, and nothing is more fearful to a man than that. To be vulnerable is to unstrap the armor, open the links of the chainmail, and allow for the possibility of being hurt by the arrow of the most dreaded kind; the arrow of self-love.
To heal is to step upon a path of unknowingness, where ultimately you are not in control because the Universe will yank the reins of healing from your hands and take away your control. It will steer you back to where you belong. It may just connect you to something. It may drive you to primal sources of love and nurturance. It may take you to that dark realm you emanated from; a womb-like place that was your source before you were dropped into this world.
The Cultural Myth of Masculinity
We as men are fearful of healing because we do not feel truly masculine when honoring our bodies. The prevalent and pervasive cultural myth of masculinity is that we are primarily protectors, providers, and warriors consecrated to the use of the community. As such, we first must be willing to sacrifice our bodies for the greater good of lovers, family, friends, and our gang. The honor that
The honor that soldiers earn is based upon this premise.
In the West, one of the cultural icons that affect the churched and unchurched alike is the story of Jesus Christ. There was THE man who went all the way by sacrificing his physical body unto torture and an ignominious death. So that has become the standard for us.
This notion of masculinity encompasses all communities, not just those from the European cultural paradigm. The two most prominent figures of the Black community from the Civil Rights era sacrificed their bodies and lives for the betterment of their communities; Malcolm and Martin.
Young men are bombarded with messages that the path to respect for their manhood is earned through the sacrifice of one’s body and physical comfort. Sports figures of all types exemplify this in their training. This is the level of sacrifice that all men are expected to rise up to – pushing one’s body to its very limit. All of this in order to win a “game,” a game which is all too realistic in its unholy demands on our bodies. As realistic in its demands on our bodies as our real lives are.
“Real” Manhood and Self-Care
In Los Angeles, I have worked with hundreds of gang members and at-risk young men of color for many years. From the scars of gunshot and knife wounds that adorn their, to the tattoos they endure to represent their “clique” or hood, they all know the score. A “real man” offers up their body as if it is worth less than zero.
While engaging young men in my conflict resolution work and in sharing the Qigong and self-care exercises from my book they are very resistant to take self-care seriously. These strong young men fear slowing down, nurturing their energy, or even worse, feeling what is really going on in their bodies. It is easier to smoke a blunt or pound excessive amounts of booze so as to feel nothing and slip (if just for a moment) into numbness and oblivion.
In this broader cultural context of what is acceptable masculine behavior, it becomes counter-intuitive for men to care one whit about their bodies or health. Our lives are a fast ride to “heroic” death and sacrifice, not a gift that one is grateful to God for, a treasure that one cultivates, nourishes, or takes care of.
For us men to take our physical and emotional healing seriously is to commit a crime against a society that continually calls for more blood from us; either through recruitment for wars and the military, or to gangs, or to intense contact sports. For the thousands of young men seriously injured each year in sports, for countless older men who need medical check-ups, it is all the same haunting feeling; we all secretly believe on some cellular level that seeing a doctor is only for “pussies” that cannot handle real life.
As modern men seek healthier paradigms of masculinity, and as so many mothers work hard to raise healthy male children on their own, we mustt provide “counter-stories” for the young men and boys in our world. Stories which have the power to dismantle the death-dealing and health-stealing myth of male invulnerability.
The reality is that men are even more vulnerable physically than women. Our shorter life spans across the globe demonstrate that. We are weaker physically because we could never endure the pain of giving birth to a child. Yet, the myth of male physical prowess and invulnerability is pervasive. It takes its terrible toll not only on men themselves but on the relationships, families, and communities that raise them.
A Revolution for Men
For men to start a real revolution, we need to start with ourselves. We must begin with honoring, respecting, and caring for our physical bodies. Take care of your temple to truly serve whatever you call “God.”
It is our duty to our lovers, our children, our elders, and our community. Loving oneself and honoring the health of your body does not make you a “pussy.” You should be so lucky that it would. As a man, you will never be strong enough to qualify as a “pussy,’ because we know deep inside that women are truly strong. We desperately need to honor our bodies to simply be
We desperately need to honor our bodies to simply be human. We as men must realize that that is more than enough.
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The trouble is American men are not allowed to take care of them. If they try to go on vacation or sick leave time, the boss will fire them. The bosses just want the American male to be chained to his workplace until he is dead or is throw away when the boss doesn’t need him anymore.
Disposable cogs, cannon fodder, replaceable/upgradeable provider, Wife’s emotional chew-toy, disposable disrespected as a parent…….. I’m sure we could create a long list of why and how men are marked and used for their utility…..heck we can start with that nursery rhyme….. What are little boys made of? Frogs and snails, And puppy-dogs’ tails; That’s what little boys are made of. What are little girls made of? What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice, And all that’s nice; Wonderful foundational emotional damage for little boys…..Start them early knowing they are nothing more than garbage…..in a little ditty sung by… Read more »
Yeah and fathers and male adults particularly American business leaders have not been helpful either for little boys.
There’s something inaccurate about this. This seems like a feminine way of healing. Nothing wrong with that if thats the way a person heals. Men, in general, heal through action. We tend to heal in bodily activity, such as a casual game of sports. Such as shooting hoops solo or as a team. It could be something like chopping wood or crafting a figurine. It could be wrestling around with your brothers or friends. Or going on a hike. Even down to video games although that can become addictive for some that are susceptible to addictive behaviors. There’s even studies… Read more »
The way men shy way from vulnerability very similar to the way people labeled as having “marginalized identities” have been taught to embrace their own oppressions and mistreatments. In fact I would go as far as to say that the only reason the things you describe here aren’t called oppression (or even acknowledged as systemic) is because of an built in refusal to acknowledge the systemic nature of them solely because its happening to men. We as men are fearful of healing because to heal requires vulnerability, and nothing is more fearful to a man than that. We have been… Read more »
“the only reason the things you describe here aren’t called oppression (or even acknowledged as systemic) is because of an built in refusal to acknowledge the systemic nature of them solely because its happening to men.” Hey, I’ve never commented in a comment section before, but this statement moved me to speak up. I found this article fascinating, and I agree with your comments, especially where you question the author’s comparisons of men and women, and women somehow as “stronger” (not helpful to the point). Neither men nor women are “stronger”, but both should aspire to being human in order… Read more »
We call it the patriarchy. Which is part of the problem. The vast majority of men suffering systemic issues yet and still the system itself is still labeled as male. When I talk of the patriarchy, I don’t mean “men and all the reasons I hate them”, I mean the system of oppression based on the proclaimed superiority of the myth of masculinity that oppresses ALL under it, both men and women. The problem with your assessment here is that despite acknowledging the suffering of men the system is still labeled as male and somehow the small portion of men… Read more »
Putting responsibility for the current social system upon men and men alone is disingenuous, We just as you were born into it, without any more choice than you had…… It a a shared social system with women fully equally responsible for it creation and continuation…… Yet Women still fail to accept, they as a group are fully co-authors of the social compact we all live under….and are equally liable for any oppression due to it.
Putting responsibility for the current social system upon men and men alone is disingenuous, But not as disingenuous as the slight of hand that is, “We aren’t saying its your fault or that you created the system but that the system benefits you and as such you are responsible for ending it.” Notice how its never explained how a given man benefits from the system its just declared. And even asking someone to explain it is often dismissed. We just as you were born into it, without any more choice than you had… Exactly. Its not some revolutionary observation to… Read more »
Good article, Frank (thanks!), and I totally agree with trey1963 below. We have been teaching intensive, breakthrough, emotional intelligence (EQ) workshops in California and beyond for over 30 years now, and although we’ve had wonderful results with men, still 80-85% of our students are females. The good news is that I believe the problem is ignorance (no role models, no emotional training), not apathy (guys care, they just don’t know that it’s Ok to show that they care)… it’s mostly a training issue. Twenceforth, I am on a personal (and professional) mission to TEACH guys (and gals) EQ. Adding right-brain… Read more »
I did a paper on EQ in school, and integrated that stuff into my previous work with at-risk youth and gang members in Los Angeles. That concept is especially important for males, since we often do not register well on the “Academic” tests and levels, which only gauge book smarts. Glad to hear about your work.
The “industry” of therapy, counseling and even most of the self-help variety Is feminine focused and biased. That’s where the money is, the majority of the clientele and public interest is focused on and in the feminine perspective. But due to the vast amount of cultural shaming men risk in being seen as feminine, men, even those desperately in need of those services shun them. The cost is seen as to great to bare. The industry needs to adapt to men’s under-served needs rather than leaving the bar set to a public shame/risk level that drives men off.
That is an excellent point. It is basically the same in the school system, which beginning at an early age is more oriented towards what would be considered “female behavior”; i.e. sitting still, sharing, “using our words” (the brain of females are wired earlier than for males for language). But, perhaps if we had a more open society around gender roles, men would feel more comfortable to be integrated into, and hence influence the mental health fields that currently are more inclined towards a “feelings-based” feminine model.
It is also systematic oppression as Danny said. Society requires cannon fodder, industrial fodder and we as a culture are blind to men’s suffering because noticing it would risk not having this societies very needs to exist met. Men die years younger than women of the same class due, we know it’s due to societal pressures to perform, yet blame men individually…..to avoid the risk to society…. because fixing it will be a bigger job to tackle than feminism, racism combined…. it is literally the root of what allowed those to exist…… That men’s very bodies and rights in the… Read more »
Yeah, your are dead on Trey. These things definitely connect with other forms of social control and isms and schisms that divide society. We all gotta get out of the Matrix, yes?
In my opinion this started about the time of the agricultural revolution about 10,000 BCE….. Probably the original sin at the base of most current cultures and their antecedents….. all variations on the theme of a slave based culture which is known to have developed concurrent with agriculture. The severe social hierarchy that in the early years led to fewer than 20% of the male population passing on their genes to future generations. The need for slaves, guards and organized religions which distorted and twisted human relations down to today. The wholesale us vs. them mentality that still corrupts and… Read more »
Hi Frank
This is a very interesting article.
It really made me think !
But is this true for men in other countries than America?
If I understand you correctly,you seems to say so.
For me that is hard to believe,but I am qualified to say.
American culture is not like the culture in other countries .
I like the article but would like to see it challenged by someone with deep knowledge about other cultures.
My typos are terrible and embarrassing.
I wanted to write that I am NOT qualified .
I appreciate the article, I can not agree more especially with my men. I am from the North/Midwest, the men do exactly as you describe. They don’t take care of themselves, I can barely get my husband in for a check up, I have to force him. Also he doesn’t take care of his health, rest is the big one. I often tell him it will do this family and all future generations of this and our extended family no good, if he dies. He is taking this a bit more serious, mostly because we are starting to see our… Read more »
Thank you Pati for your heart felt words. I agree with your analysis and I too have to (like your husband) get “scolded” from my wife and loved ones to slow down and see the doctor. Keep it up! It reminds us to be mindful of our loved ones. Ironically, my next column on Good Men Project regarding Self-care for men will be on slowing down—and how to use Qigong as a way to do that, improve our health, and reduce our stress. Most men have a card time meditating, or finding time to get into a gym (cause we… Read more »
I will
I think overall it is a global expectation for men to keep their feelings shut in and to focus on a protective role, and hence “offer up their bodies.” My Bachelors had an emphasis on Intercultural Studies, and I have traveled to Africa and Latin America, but not Asia. Historically, there are some exceptions, most notably in Indigenous cultures.
Hi Frank
I like the expression ” offer up their bodies”,and I will try to remember your angle on this issue.
It helps me feel far more compassion for men,and maybe understand more.
It is important !
Frank
The article below is not one of the best but is has a point.
What if the fact that women live longer than men is actually caused by biology and not society?
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jun/11/the-weaker-sex-science-that-shows-women-are-stronger-than-men
it is not wise to debate who is the strongest one of men and women. But maybe there are biological differences behind for example that lots of women live longer than men.
There maybe biologic reasons….but those simply don’t cover the full range of the differences, otherwise the different male/female life expectancy’s would be the same between cultures and countries and it varies widely. Men have cultural stressors that women don’t have. As a society we’ve called out where women are disadvantaged, might it not be finally time to do the same for men? Or are we to wait till all women’s issues are addressed and solved before attention is paid to the burdens society places on us also? Are our lives allowed to matter at all ? even here on a… Read more »