The wedding night has become a thing of legend and myth for chaste Evangelical men.
I’m a psychologist who specializes in sexuality. Though I know about a lot of other psychological stuff, both academia and the free market say you need a “niche” or a “brand,” so I picked Christian sexuality. I thought that delving into the realm where spirit and flesh intersect would be fascinating and fun. Most of the time, it is. But sometimes I end up in the Narnia of the Christian Bizzaro World. In this Narnia, Aslan is evil but impotent instead of good yet dangerous, the beavers huddle frightened inside their lodges, and Peter is a coward. It’s always summer instead of winter, but everyone stays inside because they can’t stand the heat. Sometimes that’s what it’s like with Christians and sex.
(If you haven’t read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I apologize for the above paragraph . . . but it’s a great book that only takes a couple of hours to read, so you really have no excuse).
Before proceeding, I should make something clear so this isn’t just another Church-bashing article. The Church broadcasts sensible information about sex that a lot of smart people in Western culture refuse acknowledge, much less advocate. The Church champions sexual responsibility in a culture that treats first intercourse like we used to treat the first kiss. Sex now marks the initiation of a relationship rather than its consummation. I’m glad the Church is standing in the breach saying, “Whoa, cowboys and cowgirls! Stay in the saddle and keep your chaps on until you’re ready for real commitment.” Nobody carps louder than the Church about the crisis created by Internet pornography. Porn ruins authentic physical intimacy. It makes real sex unsexy, and Christians have big enough church bells to make noise about this problem. Feminists are the only ones who occasionally stand with them (feel free to pause and let that little irony to sink in).
So the Church does a lot of good for sex . . . when it’s not busy screwing it up.
Evangelical culture messes up sexuality in many ways, sometimes even straying from its much-ballyhooed Biblical roots while doing so. We could explore many examples, but today I want to focus on one thing: Sex for men who remain abstinent until marriage.
The wedding night has become a thing of legend and myth for chaste Evangelical men. Allegedly, saving sex for marriage means that God blesses the couple with a wild night of carnal ecstasy. Angels will gather ‘round the bed, empowering a lengthy night of sexual pleasure performed in the sight of God Almighty. Erotic acrobatics and a buffet of orgasms await the abstinent groom after he whisks his beloved across the threshold of the honeymoon suite. The couple might settle down around four a.m. Then they’ll wake up four hours later, have another sex festival, order brunch from room service, and start all over again. I’ve heard ministers tell engaged couples not to spend their honeymoon anywhere too exciting, because they will spend all their time in the bedroom.
If this happened to you, congratulations. Then again, it probably means that someone told you that getting married makes it okay to use Ecstasy and cocaine, too.
This month, we’re going to explore the realities of the nuptial bed for those who decided to save sex for marriage. This discussion should prove equally useful if you’ve done the deed before, but decided to lay off sex until you get married. If you’ve been saving sex for marriage, some the things we talk about might leave you a little disappointed or disillusioned. You might even start questioning your commitment to keep the mouse in the house until your wedding night. But don’t worry. If you’re patient, sex will lead you back to the beginning, to a paradise we ruined by eating a rotten fruit that brought shame to nakedness.
In response to the other comments, sexuality is NOT separate from religion (definition: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.) Every aspect of life is important if you’re a Christian or religious. What you do in your life is a part of your worship. Think about it. Especially when the Bible explicitly says what to do with sexuality (which has nothing to do with Mary or immaculate conception). But, I don’t really want to argue with someone who doesn’t really know much about Christianity or the Bible. It will just be… Read more »
Thank you so much for posting this article! I wish I would have read it before my wedding night. I was SO discouraged by things not “working” the way they were “supposed to.” I have a new understanding of things now! Sex isn’t just about the orgasm, but about the intimacy. I need to remember that and build on that with my husband. I was so discouraged that I just stopped ever wanting to try and have sex. It even made me question whether I should have just had sex before marriage, because maybe it would be better now. But… Read more »
Idle_Internet_Coder, thanks for your thoughts! I personally am somewhat unreligious (identify as Zen Buddhist…I think)… So, when it comes to religion, I think my difficulty is in the making of blanket statements. As you point out, “To each his (her) own” opens the can of worms wrt relative morality. Paedophilia… not usually (ever??) a good idea. Even if both parties are “consenting.” Especially then, perhaps. By the same token, let’s not get between two consenting, loving, unmarried adults. Totally not my business. Neither, I think, should it be yours. Maybe one way of looking at this is: Is there harm… Read more »
Wasn’t Mary (mother of Jesus) a VIRGIN?? Immaculate conception… that explains how much “God” loves sex. Religion has nothing to do with sex. neither the twain should meet. they belong in completely different cell blocks. Sex is an enjoyable activity that yes, causes a lot of drama between people that don’t have emotional or self control. And sometimes, given the right couple, can be an inspiring and phenomenal experience. But sex is not the end all be all… it is not the reason we get married, it is not the proof that we love one another, it is not only… Read more »
My goodness, Lauren…Has no one informed you what exactly religion is? Let alone Christianity? *Sigh* Perhaps you are young. Let us take what you have said above “It’s different for everyone and everyone else should respect each other persons’ [sic] RIGHT TO THEIR OWN CHOICE!” and extend it…Does that mean a grown man should be able to have sex with a 13 year old girl/woman? (Not sure how you view 13 year old females…personally I place them squarely in the girl category.) Both want to have sexual relations together and by extension of your above statement, they should free and… Read more »
And here we have another person who is taking a vastly different interpretation than what the writer means, and everyone gets, except you. She means two consenting adults, not a child that can’t say no.
There are other books besides the bible. Maybe you should read them.
well said Lauren!
Lauren has some good points. sex isn’t always the be-all end-all, when between married people it’s not always loving or meaningful, when between friends it’s not necessarily harmful, and saving it for the wedding night might work out nicely for some but can certainly be unwise for others, Every situation *is* different, and to say so in no way implies that you can’t make ethical choices or that absolutely anything goes. Equally within marriage there are still choices about whether/when/how sex is loving and respectful, the wedding doesnt automatically sanctify everything.
Well, I had a reply for you, but it didn’t get posted. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because the moderator of this board has specific opinions on porn and masturbation and felt that my opinions on whether or not it can be used responsibly are not appropriate for this forum. And that’s fine. It’s his board. So I’ll give you the recap: Counseling would be a good place to start. If sexual dysfuction might be an issue, one or both partners should probably stop in for a visit with his/her physician. Unfortunately, there’s only so much they… Read more »
What do you do if the libido doesn’t come back? It’s terrible when men don’t keep the intimacy up with their wives but it’s equally terrible when women don’t keep up the sexuality with their husbands. It’s commonly thought that the males most desired intimacy is sex so when that dies off she has to be patient, should she also be patient if he isn’t in the mood anymore for romance once that sex is gone? I totally understand temporary disruptions like baby birth etc, but what do people do when it just isn’t coming back? Do they stay married… Read more »
I must say you have a pretty level headed mind when it comes to these things, thanks for the discussion, it’s informative.
Can we step back and get some perspective here? The wedding night has held mythic power for almost all men, from the dawn of history. Because almost all human societies, throughout almost all history, in almost all parts of the world, have taken saving sex for marriage as a GIVEN. It was considered NORMAL, a basic social obligation, to be violated only at the cost of great shame. Even in the English speaking West, from the dawn of our history right up through our own grandparents’ time, saving it til marriage was considered the norm. From a cross-cultural, cross-historical, pan-human… Read more »
Uh, there’s a reason “the world’s oldest profession” is known that way, and it’s not because “almost all human societies, throughout almost all history, in almost all parts of the world, have taken saving sex for marriage as a GIVEN.”
The world’s oldest profession? What does hunting have to do with this discussion?
Seriously though…,. YES there has never been 100% compliance, and there have always been prostitutes on the shameful fringes of society. However, in our lifetime the “freaky fringes” have changed places — the behavior of the prostitute fringe, has become normalized, and the chaste are now the despised minority. This has happened at other times in history, and such societies are NOT sustainable. Eventually they demographically wither away and are replaced or conquered by somebody else.
Sex for men who remain abstinent until marriage…..The wedding night has become a thing of legend and myth for chaste Evangelical men. Allegedly, saving sex for marriage means that God blesses the couple with a wild night of carnal ecstasy….. Well, I’m evangelical and I waited. And that is NOT what we were told to expect at all. YES, finally being free to indulge is incredibly liberating, and the overwhelming sense of FREEDOM that comes with getting married, can take on almost mythic dimensions… particularly for those who were forced to wait (for one reason or another) till well into… Read more »
With this hypergamy, would your wife divorce you if she got a better job than you?
It happens. However, hypergamy is simply an impulse, not destiny. A woman is no more “destined” to act out her every hypergamous impulse, than is a man “destined” to act out his every polygamous impulse. Maintaining the sacredness of marriage requires some self control on both parties.
This is odd. I’m a Christian who believes it’s better to wait for marriage and know a lot of other people (men and women alike) who do too, and have never heard anyone say this. I’ve heard a few jokes about “awkward wedding night sex” before though.
I’m interested in seeing the rest of the articles, but this one has left me scratching my head.
I have had sex before, but not with my fiancé. We’re getting married soon and we’re looking forward to the wedding night. We’re so glad we waited, and I’m looking forward to the articles.
I wish people wouldn’t bitch about how we are imposing our views on others. I don’t mind if others have sex before marriage, this works for us.
Second that-as I”ve said many times before (and will undoubtedly say again), I of all people have NO business judging anyone. Like you said, this works for us (operative phrase “for us”) It’s a lifestyle choice. It’s not for everyone, obviously.
Another issue I have with the no-sex-before-marriage rule is that it seems to assume that to have a complete and healthy life one has to get married. If you never get married, then theoretically you will never have sex, but there are plenty of people who have quite fulfilled lives who have never been married AND who have had sex. Notice how tidy the wait-until-marriage rule is when it comes to homosexuality. If gays and lesbians can’t get married, and you’re not supposed to have sex before marriage, then that means gay sex should never, ever happen. Same-sex sex automatically… Read more »
I am 18 years old and I have had this particular issue on debate within myself. I am still a virgin and I was planning to lose my virginity within the course of this month but now, I can honestly say after reading through the articles and the comments, I think I will wait till the right time. My life has certainly changed as a lot of the things I thought I knew about sex have been thoroughly been brought to question and now I have peace within. Thank you so much, all of you.
Honestly, this website is amazing, way better than Ask “Men”. com or Guyism. I really love the way this website doesn’t objectify women or men and focuses on the real purposes of life. What do you know, there are good men!!!
We’ve always been here….
P.S.
“the beavers huddle frightened inside their lodges….”
Did anyone else notice this and wonder about a double entendre?
I’m pretty sure that’s intentional–hence the “Peter” reference.
There are many arguments for not having sex before marriage. Some come with good sense, and others do not. Whether they make sense or not has a lot to do with what exactly this whole “marriage” thing means, which is one of the problems with denouncing premarital sex. Too often, telling people to wait for marriage fails to explain what exactly marriage is, when in fact a marriage is something that does not just happen naturally after the ceremony but is something that the spouses themselves create as they go along. You can’t really explain “no sex before marriage” without… Read more »
Looking forward to the rest of this series!
“Sex now marks the initiation of a relationship rather than its consummation.” This point resonates strongly with me. As someone raised in a church community, this boggles my mind the most. And I can’t tell if I’m having a visceral reaction because of my sheltered upbringing – like, has this been going on forever and I just never knew? Or are cultural sex trends actually changing?
Laura, this has been going on forever and you (and I, for that matter) just never knew. I was raised in church, but I hardly consider myself to have been sheltered; my parents were quite permissive in that I never had a curfew other than what common sense would dictate (staying out until 3 a.m; would probably be an issue), I had long hair (which my Dad, an otherwise VERY conservative man, once vigorously defended to some narrow minded individuals who chose to comment). I played in garage bands, sneaked cigarettes and liquor (among other substances). I knew that obviously… Read more »
Having grown up pretty confined by extended family commitments/values to a willing boundaried realm of countryside holiness-pentecostal church networks, I am all too familiar with the narratives that valorize not knowing yourself sexually and sensually, until some time after covenanting a Christian opposite sexed marriage in which conception, pregnancy, and childbirth are way stations of high joy in our increasingly lengthened adult life cycle. Okay, seemingly, so far, so good. What continues to mystify me is the nitty gritty, nuts and bolts inner and interpersonal behaviors, attitudes,mutualities, and actualities via which such strongly idealized valorizations come to be real for… Read more »
I’d never wait until marriage. It would be a dealbreaker instantly, a good, healthy, fulfilling sex life is absolutely essential as air before I would even consider marriage with someone. That’s just my choice, kudos to those who wait (as long as they don’t expect me to wait).
Same. I couldn’t consider marrying someone until we had worked out our sexual chemistry.
I third that, Archy. It’s not any better or worse to wait…it’s just a different choice. You do what works for you and you don’t push it on anyone else. I knew at a very young age that there was no way that I would wait until marriage. I used to go with the ‘sexual compatibility’ argument, but I’ve now realized that’s flawed. Sometimes you do need more time for sex to become amazing–having awkward first time sex does not mean that you’re sexually incompatible and you throw the baby out with the bathwater. On the other hand, I do… Read more »
@Arch….I am with you 1000%. I enjoyed a very limited sexual experience prior to marriage at age 32 (just two partners). While I do not regret this choice, I will say that it caused a disasterous marriage. My now ex wife was far more experienced and had done all the sex stuff…..I was looking forward to a healthy sex life. She was, in my view, worn out so to speak. She had far more partners and experience. I was after thought for her. We had an essentially sexless marriage for over a decade. Just go fed up complaining about it… Read more »
Ok have to respond to your dissing older gals 🙂 Menopause is not necessarily the death of sex for women. I’m 45 and granted, I’m not at menopause yet, but I still have a very strong libido. I’m hoping I can keep enjoying sex during and after menopause or at least as long as I can still find a taker for what I have to offer! Life is too short to give up on something so pleasurable even when I’m old and wrinkley. I’m not giving up chocolate either. Salud!
But what happens if menopause kills the libido in quite a lot of women? (if it does)
If it does kill the libido then yeah, sadly either women need to find a way to restore the libido to be on par with the males or the males will probably look elsewhere because life is too short to go without a decent sex life.
Or the men need to find a way to reset their own libido to be on par with the women.
I’m not a fan of taking away libido, motivation, drive, for anything but violence. Masturbation can be successful in burning off excess sexual energy but there is going to be a problem with mismatched libidos in some cases.
I’ve heard hormone therapy, a small bit of testosterone actually increases the libido in women so that may be an avenue to look at for a woman who wants to gain it back.
If low-libido related to menopause gives men license to seek sex outside of their marriage, then a man battling an illness or injury that kills his sex drive should be license for a woman to seek sex elsewhere. I mean, where do you draw the line? It’s okay to cheat if your wife’s low libido was due to menopause…due to cancer treatment…due to the recent birth of a child…?? “In sickness and in health, for better or for worse” was not proceeded by, “unless you’re really horny and your partner’s health situation leaves him or her unable to sexually satisfy… Read more »
Sorry I meant more along the lines of when single, didn’t explain it properly. Given the choice between post menopausal and premenopausal when I am of a similar age, whilst I still have a libido I’d probably go for pre menopausal unless I knew there is some way to get the libido for her kickstarted. Sex is important to me to have in life. If I was married to someone who lost their libido then I’d try my best to stick around, probably just masturbate a lot instead. I just hope they have decent medical care to restore the libido… Read more »
I realize I’m replying late to this comment but it’s not true that all women lose their libido as a result of menopause. It’s not inevitable. And when middle aged women do lose their libido I think it’s often a combination of sexual boredom, loss of attraction for one’s partner due to various factors (such as the knowledge that he is probably bored and less attracted as well), feeling depressed about one’s aging body, and physical changes that make sex physically uncomfortable, such as decreased lubrication. Some of these things can be solved and others can’t. Recall the article on… Read more »
I waited to have sex until I was ready, did it for the first time with someone I loved very much, and it remains a cherished memory for us both to this day. I was 17. The sex itself was silly, short-lived, and a bit painful – nothing even approaching orgasmic fireworks – but when I look back on it, that doesn’t factor in to how I felt about it. I knew there was time to get good at it and feel comfortable with the mechanics. You don’t have to wait for a wedding night to have a profound, loving… Read more »
As a chaste evangelical man, little of the above actually resonates with my own personal experience. Perhaps it is a matter of context, but at the very least it suggests to me that the phenomenon that you describe is far from universal. My upbringing was extremely evangelical, but I never once heard such exaggerated tales of the bliss of the wedding night. On the only occasion that I remember the subject coming up, unrealistic expectations on that front were strongly played down. The context I came from was one with very strong marriages (I can’t think of a single divorce… Read more »
Brilliant comment.
Jamie … I second that …. Alastair, your response should be an article within itself, it was amazing.
I like your comment yet your view of sex kind of freaks me out! I don’t think I could enjoy sex if I had to view it as an experience of profound vulnerability and oneness… that’s much closer than I want to get to anyone. curious, isn’t it.
Curious indeed…why would you not want that intimacy and vulnerability? It seems to me that’s what most people are seeking at some level, whether Christian, or any religion, or none at all.
That level of closeness sounds suffocating to me. It would be way too much pressure on me and the relationship. but that’s just me….
Alistair…brilliant. You have enunciated very eloquently (and yet plainly) on a topic that secular society just doesn’t “get.” As a Christian (yes, an evangelical, LOL) I get SO tired of having to explain that, surprise, surprise…GOD LIKES SEX! And He not only approves, he EXPECTS married couples to do so. The catch is, you’re supposed to wait until you’re married. That’s the way it is. He created (and like all He created, He looked and saw that it was “very good.” ) therefore He gets to set the conditions, probably because He knew that if there were another person to… Read more »
God the Father probably did not intend people to follow Jesus’ example in all things. If He did, that would lead to the awkward question WWJHS?, or When Would Jesus Have Sex?
God loves sex so much that he’ll kill you for failing to impregnate your brother’s widow.
Just want to reiterate the other responses, and say thank you for such a well-thought commentary Alastair. I do think some of what the author is saying is based on reality (that some Christians hype up the ‘first night’, or put too much emphasis on chastity as a state of being vs state of affections). I need to bookmark your comment and sock it away somewhere, for the single friends in my life, for my kids later…this is such a powerful message, and when we come across as prudish for the sake or prudish or condemning, we totally miss the… Read more »
Hate to just keep repeating what others haves said but this is a beautiful comment. Point nine is especially poignant and ten is something we ought to all remember. “Safe” sex is a meaningless thing, to me, because pretty much nothing in the world is truly safe. Every action has a set of consequences–whatever those may be, physical or otherwise–and pretending that a piece of latex can make all of those go away is rather far fetched.
THANK YOU THANK YOU. I was losing faith in the male sex and now I am regaining my faith in you lot once again.
You’re welcome. Anytime 🙂
Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone. In large part on account of the appreciation that it received here, I greatly expanded my comment above and made it into a blog post, with a far more extensive treatment of the subject. Some of you might be interested: http://alastairadversaria.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/why-i-believe-in-pre-marital-virginity/.
So heartened by this comment stream, the coming series and A’s comment. An evangelical woman.
Great article Alistair!
God in His wisdom says in Gen 2:24 that when a man is “united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
As a Christian, I accept this without delving too much into the significance of “one flesh” when a man and a woman engage in sex.
Perhaps, Dr. Simpson can shed some light from the field of psychology on how “one flesh” impacts the psyche of the man and woman.
Best Regards,
Alex
Brilliant comment. This quote also makes a succinct point…
“Sleeping with someone you plan to marry acclimatizes them to the idea of sleeping with someone to whom they are not married.”
God is one fucked-up perverted dude if he invented sex as a means for humans to honor and serve him. I might think that poetry is best when it’s an expression of lifelong exclusive commitment, but that doesn’t mean I think pre-marital poetry is sinful. Sex can also take on forms that don’t entail “a deeply personalizing and loving gift of pledged bodies out of which act new life can be produced” — or what people in the real world call “unintended pregnancies.” You claim that “[s]ex cannot, however, be separated from procreation, and we should seek to practice it… Read more »
Also, I seem to have missed this “crisis” perpetrated by internet pornography on IRL sex. What damage is porn doing to sex exactly? As a sexually active person and porn user, I don’t find a whole lot of overlap between the two experiences.
Seems to me arguing that porn makes sex unsexy is like saying rom-coms make taking someone out on a date unromantic.
I think porn might give people a very unrealistic idea about what sex is like, if porn is the only thing they’ve experienced. I think it could certainly give guys the wrong ideas about what turns women on, or how women should react sexually, to the point that real sex is a letdown or real women seem boring?
Depends on the porn. Most of what I watch is real couples, amateur videos. If those women are faking it then they sure are good but I do believe most is quite realistic in some genres. But hey, what works for one woman may not work for others, so finding a universal turn on is impossible.
I’m pretty sure he means because a lot of porn isn’t just a man and woman having sex in the missionary position until orgasm. What they see is many positions, women moaning loudly non-stop and talking provocatively to each other, sometimes there’s anal, there’s deepthroating, etc. So, “normal”, non-crazy sex, is considered unsexy. I can definitely see this happening. I know I’ve heard a few guys say just oral sex is boring if a girl isn’t deep throating and I’m thinking that is not true, women can be taught many things that are very pleasurable for men that doesn’t involve… Read more »
I’m not going to opine that porn is all good or all bad. It can spice up relationships and it can break them down beyond repair. It can be a fun source of sexual release for a single person, or it can become an addiction, a substitute for real intimacy, and destroy a persons ability to enjoy real sex. It can empower women and men to take charge of their own sex drives and freely enjoy pleasure, and it can victimize women and men, reducing them to mere tools to be used for another person’s sexual release. I will tell… Read more »
The more n more I hear about this, the more I start to think women’s standards are higher and the hoops men have to jump through to get intimacy are incredible. Are these women also relaxing n letting stuff slide or is it the men? It is starting to sound like the women you describe are very picky and quite frankly high maintenance. I think both could do better at times, but what ways work? Do you want us to spend heaps of money on dates and jewellery? Want us to perform a variety of tasks to the point we… Read more »
@Archy … Bonnie kind of painted a stereotypical picture of what can happen in a marriage. The wooing doesn’t stop once you get married. A man falls in love with a women and that love builds as years go on. I’ve been married 38 years and I still woo my wife. It’s not that she “expects” it, it’s what she gets. It seems that Bonnie may be focusing on the sexual aspect of marriage but in reality, that’s a small part of the equation. Marriage within itself requires a lot of maintenance. Just like a house, it occasionally needs shoring… Read more »
No, Archy. It’s not about heaps of gifts and jewelry or incredible amounts of housework. It’s not “high-maintenance” to expect to be taken out to dinner once in a while WITHOUT the kids, or to expect intimacy from one’s husband in non-sexual forms. Kiss your wife in a romantic way when it ISN’T going to lead to sex. Touch her, rub her back, play with her hair, surprise her by making dinner…if you don’t have little ones under foot, you could REALLY set the mood by lighting some candles. Entertain the kids so she can have a late afternoon nap… Read more »
Weird, many of those things I consider normal in a relationship and it saddens me that they die down. Hugging, kissing, telling them what you love about them, cuddling, and yes sex too.
What do men do though when they have done all that and still get rejected?
Well, it depends on why he’s being rejected, but counseling is usually the logical next step. Or perhaps one or both parties should visit the doctor…be aware, though, that there is very little help available to a woman with low desire or physical difficulty becoming aroused or reaching orgasm. Very little further testing is ever done, no FDA-approved treatments and not even a good set of guidelines for diagnosis. If the situation is temporary and has a clear cause (for example, she had a baby three months ago and is exhausted, tired of being touched and nursed day in and… Read more »
Thank you Dan! As a female porn umm… partaker (?), I really do not understand the demonizing of pornography. I watch it with my husband and alone, and I have had no ill effects in the 20+ years I’ve been watching it. Sure it can be corny and sometimes the acting is terrible, but the whole reason I watch is the titillation I get from it (after I fast forward the uninteresting parts). Also, contrary to the author’s claim, it actually enhances my physical intimacy with my husband. A large dose of open-mindedness and love are key to a healthy… Read more »
Is this situation reserved for those who wait until marriage? It seems to me that our culture builds up sex and orgasm constantly, and that most virgins experience this letdown during the first sexual experience. I certainly did.
Perhaps this letdown feels more acute for those who save themselves for marriage. After all, we’re taught that sex with someone you deeply love is, per definition, the best sex you can have and perfect. Ergo those who wait feel more unsettled due to their expectations combined with the commitment they just made?
Dear Stephen,
I am looking forward to the series, I am sure it add value to my current state of mind. It doesn’t really matter what I think at the moment until the end of these series.
Thanks for raising an interest topic.
I don’t think this applies just to Christians saving sex for their wedding night. I remember being disappointed the first few times I had sex (age 20, with a college boyfriend who was not a virgin). After years of reading romance novels, and being a pretty horny young woman, I thought I would be immediately transported by passion into a realm of ecstasy. Instead, I felt very awkward, embarrassed, uncomfortable, and I had nothing close to an orgasm. I remember thinking, “Is this it?” I was jealous of my boyfriend because he was obviously having such an AMAZING time while… Read more »
Okay, I’ll start this off. But first things first … What the heck does this mean? “If this happened to you, congratulations. Then again, it probably means that someone told you that getting married makes it okay to use Ecstasy and cocaine, too” My wife and I waited until we got married. We’ve now been married 38 years. First night was a struggle in that neither of us were sure about ourselves. So, we didn’t have sex, we made love. Truly gave ourselves to one another in the most intimate way. Sum it up, it was outstanding and has been… Read more »
What I think his point is that most people on the first night they have sex are not marathon lovers that can constantly have awesome mind shattering sex. I don’t know about 38 years ago, but these days sex is built up as this thing that is always awesome and everyone always orgasms and if you’re not both sweaty, limp and panting by the end then you’re doing it wrong. But a persons first time is often short and for a girl most of the time it’s painful. It’s easy for someone who has built this up in their mind… Read more »
Well said, Tom. Thanks for sharing.
I know several people who have told me much the same thing.
In reply to “38 years later, I know that I have no offspring on this earth that wasn’t conceived in my marriage. I have never had to be tested for STD’s” One of my friends has had about 90 sexual partners. (most from a polygamous relationship with women who brought other women) He has never had an STD and has sired no children. He never goes without a condom and gets tested every few months and is, well, immaculate about sex. Also, your wife could give you Herpes is she had a cold sore on her mouth and gave you… Read more »
@Ekiza … Good for him but that’s not the case for many. Sure are a lot of fatherless kids out there which says to me that your friend is an exception and not the rule. A clear rise in STD’s also says that your friend is an exception and not the rule. In so far as “cold sores?” Are cold sores really “herpes”? Yes. cold sores are caused by a type of the herpes virus, but, it is rarely the same virus strand that causes genital herpes … so I’m not sure what this has to do with anything.