The pressure to have great sex creates something that’s poisonous to great sex: Anxiety.
Despite being the subject of mockery, premature ejaculation is understandable and culturally accepted for a man new to sexual activity. Impotence, soft erections, or difficulty ejaculating, however, are regarded as neither normal nor funny. Even a man’s bride might call his masculinity into question if he can’t keep it up. Some women have even asked me if their husband might be gay because he had a hard time closing the deal on the wedding night! Impotence, especially for younger men, is a silent struggle that quickly becomes a crisis if things don’t improve. Thus, it’s crucial to address this third hurdle for men who saved sex for marriage.
1) Inability to maintain an erection or ejaculate.
It might be hard to believe that this problem is almost as common as premature ejaculation. The pressure of the wedding night and first intercourse creates something that is poisonous to good sex: ANXIETY. If performance anxiety overwhelms you, that’s the ball came. Dogged determination to thrust your wife into sexual ecstasy via the awesome might of your penis can lead to a big let down. Fear of a flaccid penis can result in what psychologists call a paradoxical effect. You’re trying so hard to keep your dick hard that you become too nervous to keep a hard dick. Good sex relies on relaxation. If everyone from the preacher to the youth pastor to your best friend regales you with tales about the juicy harvest of sexual fruit one reaps after saving sex for marriage, it’s hard to avoid performance anxiety.
The good news is that this usually passes after sex becomes more familiar and less worrisome. If that doesn’t happen, a little sex therapy can go along way toward solving this problem. And you can always ask your physician to chuck some Viagra samples at you and see how that goes. (Avoid the temptation to duck your M.D. by pointing and clicking your way to an overnight package of overpriced Cialis from a shady company. An awkward visit to the physician is better than a heart attack or walking into the emergency room with a flagpole that’s been aloft for five hours.)
Of course, you might lose your hard-on from fatigue after too much humping and pumping in an effort to bring your wife to orgasm. This brings us to our fourth hurdle.
2) Only 25 – 35% of women orgasm through sexual intercourse alone.
Though this information is all over the media, at least half the couples I see in therapy have no idea that sex alone doesn’t light the orgasm fuse for most ladies. Studies show that vaginal stimulation (i.e., intercourse) by itself will not result in an orgasm for the majority of women. Men who enter marriage ignorant of this fact might think they’re doing something wrong. Sex goes from being wonderful to being work. The quest for the precise combination of rhythm, velocity, duration, and force required to extract an erotic howl from their beloved results in nothing more than a lower back injury.
Orgasms for most women result from what happens to the outside of the vagina rather than the inside. Frequently, it takes both at the same time. If you want specifics, check out a book I co-authored called What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex (Baker Books). Keep experimenting with technique, but focus more on overall physical intimacy instead of orgasm. Sex that’s about nothing but climax is boring and sometimes arduous. The most important thing is enjoying a physical connection with your wife. If you can do that, the rest usually works itself out.
I’ll give you one piece of advice for now: Learn what she likes by using communication instead of trial and error. This is especially important with oral sex. A lot of folks get squeamish about oral sex, so it’s important to talk it through instead of relying on guesswork and nonverbal cues.
Many couples shy away from oral sex, but it’s one of the most giving, powerful ways to connect with your spouse. If some reactionary blowhard gave you the cockamamie idea that God only wants you to have sex face to face, crack open the Bible to The Song of Songs (The Song of Solomon in some translations). It’s hard to read this oft-neglected gem and come away thinking oral sex is wrong.
I must say, saying *only* 25-35% of women is a bit misleading. Do you know how many women that is? In the world (7,000,000,000,000 x .35) or even just the States? It may not be the majority, but that is alot of women! So don’t assume that all of us need direct clitoral stimulation. We’re all different, and some of us girls are horny bastards!
Really Tish? This figure is ubiquitous! It’s cited in many scholarly medical articles. Stop accusing the author of labeling you (as if making these assumptions himself) when he is simply stating medically-backed assumptions. (Now these “medically-backed assumptions” themselves are a whole other issue). Of course you’re all different… the other 65-75% also can be broken down into different preferences/responses too. In the end there will be a tapestry of different “percentages” representing different responses. Does that make his statement untrue? Absolutely not. There IS actually some emperical evidence at work behind the scenes here.
One of the biggest factors in erectile dysfunction is obesity. A large percentage of men taking Viagra could get comparable results by losing some weight. It could also be a symptom of diabetes or other circulation-related problems, so it’s a good idea to check with a doctor.
And, obviously, lay off the alcohol before sex. Don’t drink a whole bottle of champagne on your wedding night, no matter how nervous you are.
Your honesty is appreciated. Men are given lots of unrealistic messages when it comes to their sexuality. We are expected to be ready and wanting at a moment’s notice, perform for hours, use mind-reading skills to know exactly what our partners want, and be rock hard throughout. The mind is our largest sex organ. Being realistic, compassionate, and understanding about our selves and our sexuality can only improve our sexuality. This is easier said than done though. It takes time and courage to unlearn old habits (especially unhealthy ones).