The journey can be messy and frustrating, but it leads back to Eden if you don’t expect too much too soon.
The fifth and final thing you need to know about saving sex for marriage pretty much sums up everything else.
1) The first time probably won’t be very good . . . but that’s not the point.
Limiting the first sexual experience to the physical dimension is one of the biggest mistakes a couple can make. This is especially true if orgasm, yours or hers, supersedes intimacy as a goal. Your first sexual experience with your wife can have an ecstasy unrelated to bodily pleasure. You share something intimate with the person you love most in the world. Who cares if it takes time and practice before sex hits above a 5 on the 10-point pleasure scale? You are consummating your relationship in the most intimate possible way. That’s something to cherish. Don’t neglect the spiritual and emotional connection just because your bodies don’t erupt like Mount Vesuvius.
Still, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared for a couple of things. If your lady’s hymen is intact or the opening to her vagina is too small for you, sex is going to hurt her. It might hurt you too, as you feel your manhood strangled by an opening that is too small. Advice about how to avoid such buzz-kills fills books, magazines, and the Internet. Study up in advance and do what you can to sidestep avoidable pitfalls. Talk to your fiancé about these things months before the wedding. If your heads don’t explode with pleasure the first time you do it, don’t assume that you’re sexually incompatible. You’ve got plenty of time to perfect technique. Focus on overall intimacy and the rest usually takes care of itself. If it doesn’t, myriad remedies and resources stand ready to help.
I believe something that’s a bit controversial for a lot of Evangelicals (in theology, if not practice): Gradually increasing physical intimacy as dating approaches marriage will improve not just your wedding night, but your relationship. Most couples do this anyway, but they see it as “stumbling” or “struggling.” A lot of Christians think of anything beyond kissing or cuddling as sin, though research indicates that most Christians jump the wall and explore forbidden territory anyway. Though I believe intercourse and oral sex should be saved for marriage, I’m a bit of a maverick among Christian sexperts when it comes to premarital intimacy. I think that it’s not only okay to progress beyond kissing before marriage, but it’s important (whoops – there go half my church speaking gigs). Dating involves exploring how well you fit with another person, and that includes your body. Learning a little about what you both like and don’t like enhances the embodied aspect of your relationship. The process will look different for every couple, and Evangelical culture has a hard time with that. Evangelicals prefer the same simple rules for everybody.
When I give dating talks, some audiences all but throw rotten veggies because I won’t tell them where “the line” is before marriage. Thinking about physical intimacy in terms of “how far is too far?” puts the matter backwards. Connecting with someone else is not about how far you can go without pissing off God; it’s about what will enhance and build your relationship in a way that pleases God. God gave us bodies. Leaving them out of the equation in romantic relationships is 21st century Gnosticism. We cannot emphasize the mind and spirit at the expense of the body.
Sexuality is complicated, and Evangelical culture sucks at dealing with complexity. “The line” will be different for everyone. It requires a lot of communication and reflection. It’s a messy process and people make mistakes. Because of this, a lot of Christians think we should divorce our bodies from romance before marriage. We’ve all heard tales of some guy who can’t handle premarital kissing because it whips him into a sexual lather that triggers a full frontal assault on his lady’s undergarments. If that’s the case, then of course you should be cautious with physical intimacy. What drives me nuts, however, is that people act like kissing is the problem in such situations instead of the dude who can’t keep it in his pants.
My college girlfriend and I took a nap together in the same bed once. All we did was sleep. My Bible study leader found out and said, “I don’t know if that’s okay, man. I’d have a hard time sleeping in the same bed with a beautiful woman without being overwhelmed by temptation.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Maybe controlling yourself will get easier as you get older.” (I started to say that I would pray for him, but I would have said it just to be a smart ass).
If you can’t tolerate a mild case of blue balls without ripping off someone’s clothes, physical intimacy is not the problem – you are. You have difficulties with impulse control or an unusually high level of testosterone. Seek help from God, trusted friends, and professionals if this is the case. Such problems still create relationship challenges well after you’ve tied the knot.
Physical intimacy is good. Our bodies are good. The first three chapters of Genesis make it pretty clear that God meant for sexuality to be as easy and natural as breathing. The Fall made sexuality complicated and cumbersome. And because of The Fall, abstinence probably won’t land you in sexual nirvana on your wedding night. But your wedding night can begin a journey of discovery. The journey can be messy and frustrating, but it leads back to Eden if you don’t expect too much too soon.
Wow this was such a good series. I’ve been reading them and re posting them for all my Christian friends. One thing I’ve noticed is that crazy hormones cause so many Christians to rush into marriage with people that they are in no other ways compatible with. This results in miserable marriages and often divorce and disgrace among their Christian peers. Sounds like you have the research and experience and knowledge to back up what you are saying. I enjoyed it immensely
One way to look at it is that when sex is automatically peculiar to marriage in a person’s experience, it has a meaning that it couldn’t otherwise have. So many questions and worries of the modern age are then moot, because they are rooted in the premise that sex concerns rotating pairs of individuals, rather than life-mates.
You can choose to reject the premise of inevitability and escape a whole lot of BS.
oops – wanted to be aware of follow-up comments, didn’t check the box. –thanks
Hi, reading this – first off, great article. Second, waiting is great for some, and not is great for others. I fell into the latter camp. Good way of knowing how my body works, and gave me the foundation to apply a studied patience in dating – whether or not it was the only way, it’s the way I got there. Not married yet, but when I find the man I may, sex (intercourse) will factor into the consideration. How could it not? I have been with a man who was too big for me, and it was physically painful;… Read more »
This is lovely advice. 🙂 Whether someone decides to wait for marriage or not is an individual choice. No matter. The advice in this article is brilliant for everyone. I especially liked the experience sharing of napping with someone and being able to control one’s impulses. Well said sir!!!
Thanks Al for your considered response. I don’t see how being a virgin at marriage is a necessary pre-requisite for marrying for life. Marrying the right person and being committed to making it work has noting to do with how many times you have had sex beforehand or the number of people you have done it with. My life time total is something north of 50. My experience of mutual sexual compatibility as been a bell curve: a few terrible , a lot average, a few great. Nothing to do with spiritual unity , a lot to do with psychology… Read more »
Wouldn’t girls hearts swell up with romance by comparing them to cars? What the mileage on it? What are the trade in options? The warranty? And lets bargain the price… and… how many times has she been test-driven? Oh… thats quite a lot. No, thank you. People are not soul-less metal pieces. People are not for consumption. They are made of souls with intrinsic worth. We ought not to cheapen sexuality to just mechanics. If we are spiritually, emotionally and intellectually yoked, sexuality compatibility will automatically follow. For we will be willing to grow, mature and learn that cannot be… Read more »
I lived it almost exactly as it’s described in this article. And it’s been a great journey. I’m 42 now, been married for 17 and do not regret anything about it. The waiting was a great way for us to grow as a couple. As for BS question, the main reason is the belief in a once for a lifetime marriage. If you believe in it, then it may make sense to connect the moment of “full commitment” to the moment of “full donation”: since we are both flesh and spirit, we will be one in the flesh when we… Read more »
What is the reason for not having sex until you are married and presumably marrying as a virgin ? The only reason I can see for a virgin marrying a virgin and then remaining faithful is that it is the best way of avoiding unwanted pregnancy , H.I.V. and other sexually transmitted diseases. Contraception and safe sex will serve almost just as well. What happens if you are sexually incompatible with the other person ? E.g. a woman who can only orgasm with oral stimulation married to a man who doesn’t enjoy the taste of female genital fluid. It seems… Read more »
That’s not the reason. The reason is because the Christian faith (at least the more “orthodox” sects) have very strict beliefs regarding sexuality, specifically, that it is only OK in a church-approved marriage, and only for procreation. Equality and sexual joy are strictly forbidden. That’s why they hate gays so much – they pretty much violate every rule regarding what sexuality and gender relations are supposed to be. Remember this is the religion that says if a woman gets raped, she has to marry her attacker. BTW – I know there are many progressive sects of Christianity that don’t follow… Read more »
I’m 30 and my fiancee is 29. We are getting married next month. Although we are technically virgins (no intercourse), we are sexually experienced with each other. I’m not a staunch Christian but my fiancee is; she’s a strict Catholic. Thankfully, she’s open-minded and we enjoy exploring each other bodies whenever we can. However when we first started dating, she was afraid of physical intimacy. It was only after 5 months that I was able to touch her body intimately. As much as I wanted to make love to her, I knew that she wasn’t ready. So that night, we… Read more »
Great article. I’m bookmarking it. I know many couples who have waited and then run into some of these issues.
PS: I’m 31 and still waiting, and though I’m a woman I think this article was helpful for me too.
Well, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t make it
The real “Naked truth” about saving sex for marriage? Almost nobody does it, and I think it’s unrealistic to expect that anybody will.
I am saving it for marriage… and I am 25. My girlfriend is 23, she is too. I know lot of people who are saving sex to have with the only person they marry. Majority of people don’t, but many others do.