All sex is not created equal. Considering the different kinds of married sex.
Just before we got married, my husband lost count of the number of times he was told by his mates: “Kiss your sex life goodbye.” Yes. Because obviously he was marrying a woman who was only having sex with him until he put a ring on her finger and not because, hell, she might actually enjoy it. And continue to do after walking down the aisle.
Thank you very much friends of husband, but I can honestly say that no, our sex life didn’t disappear after we got married. It certainly changed, though. A long term relationship, where attraction inevitably ebbs and flows, makes sex a little less straightforward than it had been in the early days.
Here are some of the different kinds of married sex I’ve encountered:
1. We got all dressed up and should probably have sex tonight, sex.
Picture this: you’ve squeezed yourself into the dress you wore for your engagement party 4 years ago (win) to celebrate a friend’s birthday. He’s ironed a shirt and is wearing a little too much Hugo Boss aftershave. You’ve used up most of your remaining energy reserves just leaving the house, ensuring the babysitter knows what to feed the fickle toddler, how to use the DVD player, where to find the nappies etc etc. So the idea of sex isn’t really that attractive when you return home tipsy at 11pm. But you have to. You both went to the effort of getting all dressed up. You’re even wearing high heels. That has to lead to sex. Right?
2. Holiday sex
Sheets covered with sand and smelling of sunscreen.
You’re in another country, lazy, in a hotel room, in a king size bed.
You’re sweaty—this reminds you of your honeymoon in Hawaii—except there’s a toddler accompanying you this time.
In the pool, in the shower, on the balcony under the stars.
Twice a day, decadent, cocktail fueled.
Sex on holiday.
Need I say more?
3. Quick the baby is asleep sex
Exhausted, half conscious, odd and usually inconvenient time of the day/night sex. Is that the baby crying? Bugger. Mood killed. Mood unable to be revived. Until the baby is about 2.
4. Has it really been that long since we’ve had sex, sex
It’s been (insert length of time) since you last had sex (thank you flu/overseas business trip/sleep deprivation/toddler hijacking the bed) and frankly it’s getting a little embarrassing. You’d better do it before one of you ends up outsourcing. (That wouldn’t be ideal.) Plus, Sarah and Daniel have sex at least five times a week, and they have 3 kids under 3 and live with Daniel’s parents. Which makes your current effort a little pathetic, really.
5. Oh my god I fucking love you sex
Right at this moment, for reasons beyond my comprehension, I fucking love every single delightful thing about you. YOU ARE THE SEXIEST MOST WONDERFUL, FUNNIEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE and I need to know you in the biblical sense. Right now.
Oh my god I fucking love you sex, also often follows a period of absence from one another, usually for at least a week or alternatively, upon receiving a surprise bunch of flowers. Total aphrodisiac. Men take note. And no, it doesn’t work if the flowers are being given to assuage guilt. No deal.
6. Things are totally crap, let’s cuddle sex
I just got retrenched/had a fight with my mother/had a crappy day and I don’t feel like sex at all, but sure, a cuddle would be nice. It’s rarely just a cuddle though.
Have you noticed that?
There’s something magical about lying in the arms of the person you love, the person who protects you from both your inner and outer worlds. Their safe, familiar smell. The warmth. The memories of a thousand days and nights. A good orgasm never goes astray either. And generally, things feel a tad less crappy afterwards.
7. It’s 3am and I can’t sleep, sex
Me: “Are you awake?”
Me: “Oh, you are. Good. I can’t sleep. Do you know what might help though?”
8. Birthday/anniversary sex
Historically, a massive let down. It’s a special occasion, so mind-blowing, celebratory sex should logically follow. Of course it never actually does. Completely and utterly anti-climactic. So to speak.
9. Make up sex
This usually happens after a day or more of the silent treatment. Think about it: all that pent up rage, frustration and irritation has to go somewhere. Cue the mind blowing sex missing from point 8.
10. Lazy, happy, comfortable sex
Familiar, in your favorite position, intimate, sexy sex. The kind that comes from years of knowing one another. The sex that made you fall in love. Fun and fearless. Uninhibited. The sex that gets better and better as the years go by and makes you feel like an absolute goddess. The best kind, really.
Are then any other kinds of married sex?
Photo by Rolands Lakis/Flickr