Whose life wouldn’t be easier with a homemaker on staff?
Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen?
Okay, I’m not pregnant, I’m not in the kitchen, but I am barefoot and writing at the moment. I will also fess up that I’m often barefoot and writing in the kitchen. And yes, I spent many years tending to the traditional caretaking roles of homemaker and parent – in hot shoes. In fact, once upon a time, I fulfilled the role of traditional wife, and more or less happily. That was along with a full time corporate job, and writing through the night for both work and pleasure.
Now? I still find myself huddled over the laptop for long periods, as I did during my tenure as a traditional wife and mother. In those days, my writing tasks extended into the wee hours after the children were in bed, and following divorce, likewise. By the time my boys hit high school, they were well-versed in when they could and couldn’t interrupt – able to judge by the feverish look in my eye.
Attentiveness to your partner’s workload or emotional state or stress level has nothing to do with gender. Stepping in to make things easier is what we do, when we can.
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These days, both of my sons are in college, yet the only real difference in my schedule is that I write even longer hours, and with fewer interruptions. And the intensity of the experience can be extreme.
Where does that leave the household duties? Where does that leave relationships?
While any job is tiring, I suspect living with writers is a challenge.
We lose all track of time. We disappear into our heads. We take notes at the oddest moments (don’t ask). We look up to find it’s mid-afternoon or evening and we’ve missed meals, the window for critical phone calls, not to mention the laundry (again), the bills (again), and the files screaming to be organized.
Sometimes even warming leftovers is too much trouble, though I’ve always made sure my kids were taken care of. As for cleaning, errands and the rest —we do what we can, when we can—but I’m quite certain I would benefit from a traditional wife.
The Benefits of a Traditional Wife
Recently, after a particularly exasperating stream of days and nights (everything always breaks at once, doesn’t it?), online forms for critical parenting-related duties (yes, those dreaded financial aid tasks), and my own Checklists To Attend To, let’s just say – I was pooped.
A friend arrived at my door on Saturday with two bags of food, and while I continued to work, Said Friend prepared a Fabulous Meal, provided a 5-olive martini, and cleaned up following the aforementioned feast. The next day (as I put in another 14 hours, some of it spent screaming at my computer clogging over updates), coffee magically appeared at regular intervals, along with encouraging words, and later, a divine dinner of salmon and salad.
When I glanced up it was dark, and a kind face was sitting across from me with a little smile. I gazed around the kitchen—everything was rinsed and loaded in the dishwasher, leftovers covered and slipped into the fridge, and Said Friend bid me goodnight.
May I mention that we shared a very special dessert the following weekend when I was a little less crazed?
But that night after he left, I thought back to my marriage and my routines as a wife—especially when I knew my spouse was pressed or preoccupied. I’d make coffee, prepare meals, whisk children here and there, and stack dishes. I facilitated. I expedited. I made myself scarce when necessary – and didn’t take the need to do so personally.
Love? That’s the easy part. Life is more complicated. Love must coexist with logistics. If you ask me, that’s the tricky part, and that’s where the “traditional” partner role is vital.
What is a Caring and Attentive Partner Worth?
The bottom line?
Attentiveness to your partner’s workload or emotional state or stress level has nothing to do with gender. Stepping in to make things easier is what we do, when we can. In my marriage, I was the caring partner whose job it was to read the mood of the household—to anticipate, respond, accommodate—to the extent it was possible. It sounds old school; I paid the price in sleep deprivation, but I was the wife in the traditional sense. I was there to support my husband in whatever way he needed.
Looking back, part of our challenge as a couple was the imbalance in the relationship. As my spouse traveled a good deal, when he was home, there was no reciprocal facilitating, expediting, accommodating. Over time, it became a factor in a growing gulf, exacerbated by many other changes we were going through—hardly a unique set of circumstances.
As my Kindly Friend has shown me, the role of “wife”—or more precisely—partner who recognizes your needs and assists out of love, compassion, and fairness – is an essential one. If you ask me, it’s a role that both in a relationship own and should willingly take turns at sharing, tuning in to a partner’s stresses or fatigue, and thereby strengthening the bond.
Lest you think otherwise, after years of managing on my own, I still believe in giving as good as I get. It’s important for me to look up more frequently, and provide the attentiveness to the person in my life. Unfortunately, I’m finding myself huddled over my laptop again, far too often and far too many hours. My Kindly Friend can only do so much; I just may need to hire myself a wife.
This post originally appeared, in slightly different form, at Daily Plate of Crazy.
Photo by miss pupik.
Great post – loved the tone and the imagery. While I’m not living with a writer, I *am* living with a techie geek who will disappear into whatever project is current – work or non-work – and forget time, place, husband, and children. So, yeah – I recognize the hey-you-need-this-warm-cuppa-tea and the making sure dinner is put on the table and laundry is done and children cared for. All while having my own bit-more-that-full-time job. But then, I get to benefit from some of these projects (even if don’t much of a say in what they are), and we all… Read more »
“… Being two, both contributing across the board…”
So important. Sometimes we don’t get it tight the first time around. If we’re very lucky, we may, the second.
@Tom, You raise great points (and I’d say your wife was a lucky woman). My boys are in college – now – but there were 10 years of raising them alone, working every paying gig I could (frequently two contractor or independent jobs simultaneously), to barely cover the bills. My sons learned that if they wanted something, they would have to earn it – and being smart kids – I told them their jobs were school. They are now in college by virtue of merit scholarships (which nonetheless leaves a good portion remaining). While I’m no longer chauffeuring kids, cooking… Read more »
Helping hands started the day our kids were of an age that they could understand that they have responsibilities. When the kids were old enough to reach the sink, they were old enough to stack the dishwasher. They were old enough to take the garbage out and clean the cat boxes. My wife was a stay at home mom and is not a stay at home grandma. As the one who worked long hours to provide a decent life for my family, I did what I could when I could. There wasn’t, isn’t a day that goes by that I… Read more »
Basic fact of life. If you want to “have it all”, i.e. both a working career and a family, someone has to take care of the kids. If you can’t do it yourself, due to time constraints or other things, you’ll need someone else to do it. And if a spouse/partner isn’t available to do it, you’ll probably need to pay someone. Same goes for men as well as women. Something that often seems to be missed in the debate. The author also state that it has nothing to to with gender. Yet, like a few commenters, fall into the… Read more »
@FlyingKal, We aren’t all in a position to pay someone else for these tasks. Moreover, when you actually look at doing so – childcare, household duties, repairs – the cost/benefit analysis points to one or the other of the adults taking on these responsibilities, ideally – in my opinion – sharing them in a way that is equitable for the individual couple. While my marriage may have fallen along traditional lines in terms of domestic duties, I brought in the same paycheck as my then husband, and picked up a larger portion of the tab as well. In my opinion,… Read more »
D.A. Wolf:
I think my comment may have come off a bit more hostile than I intended. I’m sorry for that.
but what I meant, with regard to your answer, is that once you have kids, childcare has to be taken on a constant basis, while other chores can be prioritized.
But yes, sharing is (almost) always the best option, IMO. But then neither one can give 100% to their career. (Which also IMO mostly is a good thing… 🙂
No offense taken, whatsoever, @FlyingKal. I hope I didn’t come across as defensive. And yes, children require constant care up to a certain age, then a different sort of care, and I would even venture to say that a watchful eye and strong hand is advisable as they get older as well. I believe ideally two parents (and/or other family members) share in raising kids – with all sorts of models for masculinity and femininity. That’s my idea of ideal, but we do our best with whatever comes our way. And they learn a good deal from that, too. Again,… Read more »
D.A. great story and great message. I love your tone. It sounds like you’ve accepted the giving part of you. It’s refreshing. Sorry, that it wasn’t always reciprocated, but you don’t harbor resentment towards it, which is great.
But who couldn’t use a little extra help around the house? When someone helps me, I’m almost in tears, I’m so grateful.
I’d be more interested to know about how she reciprocates to Kindly Friend, than about hiring someone to help her fix her own situation.
@FlyingKal, I’m really glad you made this comment. It’s been interesting, as a divorced woman with kids, to see how my post-marital dating life played out. As I had my kids all the time (or nearly), anyone dating me knew off the bat that I worked long hours and didn’t have the typical every other weekend off from parenting. Consequently, plenty of men considered me undateable. It was also interesting to see how some men wanted to swoop in and “fix” my life, i.e. the rescue fantasy, the White Knight Syndrome – whatever you might want to call it. I’ve… Read more »
Thanks for the reply.
I don’t know either. But I guess it’s just different kinds of personality. While some people just want to step in and “help” to “fix” things, some of us just get a warm fuzzy feeling out of giving a hand (as opposed to expensive gifts…) to someone in need.
(And I also think it’s a shame that some people sometimes seem to want to monopolize or genderize these qualities)
Anyway. Thank you for your story, and answer. And I which you and your friend(s) all the best.
Thank you, @FlyingKal. Funny you should say that. I just posted my daily writing, and took on the issue of “helping” versus “fixing.” (I’d be interested in your feedback.)
I wonder why some of us have trouble distinguishing. And I agree, we do genderize these qualities, and while there may be some cultural conditioning built into our observation of these behaviors, I don’t believe they’re really gender-based.
Thank you for your good wishes.
Oh yes, “wish”! Cr@p, sorry about that 🙂 I read it somewhat fast. I’ll try to get back when I have a little more time. Some personal storys of mine: I had a brother-in-law who was a “fixer” in extreme. He’s also a handy.man/carpenter, so I guess it’s part of the trade. Anyway, when we (my then-GF and I) moved into our own apartement we asked him over just to ask for a few ideas what to do with it, how to decorate etc. But he brought the big toolbox over right away, and we almost had to physically stop… Read more »
That’s a great story, @FlyingKal. “Fixer In Extremis.”
I know I have fixer tendencies, too (though I’m terrible with a toolbox and a socket wrench). It’s been an education raising sons, trying to encourage a mix of helper and fixer. They seem to be good at both, and intuitive about both, and also – willing to ask. Sometimes it’s as simple as that. Learning to ask, and learning to listen to the response.
@Joan, I think the “giving” part of all of us is something important. Unfortunately, those of us who are givers by nature sometimes team up with takers by nature. When you add kids and careers, the imbalance can occur pretty quickly, leaving the giver depleted and resentful, and also, kicking herself – or himself. I feel extremely grateful to have happened upon another giver who seems to have mastered the delicate art of both giving and taking. I am learning a lot from that – including not feeling guilty that my work, unlike his, can stretch over 7 days/week and… Read more »
D.A. Excellent point about the guilty feeling, it’s how the US teaches us about giving, taking, and keeping score. I made a subtle shift in my paradigm a long time ago about the giving nature of us and it’s made a world of difference. Instead of give and take, I look at it as give and receive. (It sounds like semantics, but it’s effects our world view) It’s not how much we ‘get’ or ‘take’ in this life, that’s when we start keeping score. Rather, it’s how we receive other’s that allows us to appreciate so much more. You’ve articulated… Read more »
God, have you never read the classic “I Want a Wife” by Judy Brady?? http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/wife.html
Thanks for this reference, S! (I clicked over and read. Very funny and, for some of us, oh so much truth.)
I’m a “wife” in the most contextual sense. My partner is great at laundry and feeding the cats, but everything else? it gets done on top of my usual 20-70 week schedule, the 20 hour weeks are easy, but things go to “frozen pizza and “we’ll ignore the sink” pretty quick when I’m in a different state everyday for my own job. Since we’re a “cool” and “hip” couple, the idea of finding a guy or gal for domestic service has become less of a fantasy and more of a practical concern. We’re both sure that if she and I… Read more »
I’d rather have someone else paying my bills.
You are erasing the fact the wife owns the house, contents and half the money coming in. I know while the couple are together, she technically owns half, but when push comes to shove in a separation, she keeps it.
This is nothing like the arrangement that you have with staff.
A lot of the things you might consider “household duties” are somewhat optional. Part of the problem is the standards of cleanliness or definition of “good home life” that you have. Perhaps those are unrealistic in the first place. Try to decide for yourself and choose for yourself what you prioritize, instead of following “what you’re supposed to do.” So, instead of “clean, clean, clean,” maybe just “clean.” Seriously, does every room in your house have to be as sterile as an operating room? Take the red pill and get out of the domesticity matrix. A lot of what people… Read more »
What we consider a “good home life” does matter, I agree, @wellokaythen. Personally, I don’t make the cut as a Domestic Goddess by any stretch (and it’s not a priority), but it gets very tricky when you have kids, their chaos and commotion and projects, their divergent schedules, and the round-the-clockness of it, certainly during certain years or if one gets sick. That’s really when the presence of another partner to share the work makes all the difference in a good home life. When it’s left to one – male or female – it can suck the life right out… Read more »
In the case of children, I’d say that choosing to have children means you may have to let go of other expectations about your life. Try to “have it all” and you’ll wind up with nothing. So many expectations about housework are totally inhuman even without children in the house, so just imagine how idiotic they are WITH children in the house.
Beautiful piece – looking beyond the housework and cooking to helping each other in spirit with a big dollop of empathy. A wife is so much more than Lysol and Endust.
Fortunately, we can all have a “wife” for a small price…it’s called hiring a maid. LOL I’m a full time blogger and the family doesn’t seem to get that just because I am “home” all day, that doesn’t mean that I have time to clean, clean, clean. I hope to be able to hire a housekeeper soon!
My mom used to always say that she “wished she had a wife.” I think it was her constant warnings about the imbalance of marriage that caused me to marry men not once, but twice, who give as good as they get. My first husband was great with the kids when they were little, and my husband now does the dishes, cooks, and does laundry. I absolutely agree with you – we should all have the “wife” within us, looking to see how we can serve the other.
Bravo, Donna, for marrying men who give as good as they get. I believe they’re out there. We don’t always recognize those good men when we see them, and sometimes (in my opinion), we can be too controlling (dare I say anal?) about All Things Domestic, which makes it tough for a guy to help out.
Then again, I’m not known for my housekeeping skills. Coffee served in stilettos? Banana cream pie? Sure. Those dirty dishes? Not so much…
“we can be too controlling (dare I say anal?) about All Things Domestic, which makes it tough for a guy to help out.” I am sooo glad to hear a woman say that out loud. And, yes, I know some men may use this as an excuse to do nothing. But, there are ways in which one partner may be discouraging the other from helping, without even being aware of it. Also, your boyfriend/husband/partner will probably be more willing to engage in household jobs if he feels like he’s part of the decision making process. Put him on the steering… Read more »