A mental health professional considers why men become more attractive to women after they’ve married.
Mate poaching is a robust phenomenon, and it is here to stay. When single women see a moderately attractive male, they are more interested in him if they believe he is already in a relationship. In fact, one sizable study found 90 percent of single women were interested in a man who they believed was taken, while a mere 59 percent wanted him when told he was single.
Take Lisa, a young, attractive, smart, successful woman from a major metropolitan area. She professed to want marriage and kids, desperately. So why did she waste precious time with Adam, a married father of two who never had any real intention of leaving his wife? And when they first met, was she really scanning the room for tall, dark, and handsome, or was she actually looking for married with romance sans responsibility?
Is it because a man who is already taken is more experienced? Is he seen as able to commit? Is he more desirable because another woman has pre-screened him (while still single men are unknown commodities)? For some, the food on someone else’s plate always looks tastier. If someone else wants him, he must be worth wanting.
There is no simple answer. Remember, too, that some traditional types may want happily-ever-afters of emotional availability and financial security, while others may be after less than the full enchilada of marriage and children. Counterintuitive as it may seem, she might want more than a one-night stand but less than a full-fledged full-time beau that’s hers and hers alone.
It’s counterintuitive because, let’s face it: if he’s cheating with you, honesty and trust can’t be topping your list. Nor can respect, availability, spending holidays and family time together, or being his first priority. So why do it?
Because for some single women, a relationship with a man who is married gives you breathing room. You are not accountable to him if you want to see a male friend or past lover.
Plus, sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill, full of lust and passion, in a way not possible otherwise. Likewise, unprotected sex. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered, grabbing quick sexual encounters on the fly, can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty. And bawdy.
Some women may have decided never to trust a man. The logic goes something like this: if he has a wife at home and is cheating with me, I know he’s not cheating on me. And the sex is great because it’s new, adventurous, no strings attached, etc..
There’s also the super-competitive woman who craves the competition, seeing mate poaching as the mother lode of wins to boost her self-esteem. The hotter her rival, the hotter she is, the more she feels superior to the wife in terms of having the goods that men want. For these women, feeling superior has less to do with the man in question and how desirable he is, and more to do with being more powerful than and superior to the other woman.
Let’s not forget the purely carnal aspect. As long as it’s illicit and forbidden, sparks fly. If he were to actually leave his wife or partner to make this relationship permanent, brace yourself for a nosedive. For starters, he cheated on her with you, so how could you ever know he wouldn’t treat you the same way? And the sex might quickly become hum-drum once he’s available.
What about tactics? How do they do it? Mate poachers, whether they want commitment or just sex, have a range of tactics, from dissing the current partner (e.g., “You deserve someone better . . . someone like me.”) to showcasing desirable qualities that the current mate lacks (e.g., “She’s cold and unfeeling; I, however, am warm, vivacious, and loving.”) Still others engage in “bait-and-switch” tactics, initially offering sex with no strings attached, only to expect down the road that her man will become so attached that he can’t bear to live without her.
We may not like the tactics, but sometimes they work, and successfully (e.g., Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt seem to have stood the test of time, at least as far as we can see).
So what can the wife do? Take these insights and understandings home. Maybe even start an affair with the husband you have. You just might discover a competitive streak you never knew you had.
This article originally appeared as a guest blog, written by Dr. Valerie Golden, on Stephanie Newman’s Apologies to Freud, a blog on Psychology Today. Dr. Valerie Golden, a former attorney, is currently a psychologist based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Well count me out. I can find a taken man attractive but NOT attractive in the sense that he’s unavailable. Personally it isn’t cute to make it a mission to screw a married man, boyfriend, or fiance to boost my ego and feel competitive. It takes a special type of whore..oops I mean insecure woman to do such a thing.
I think women trust the choices of other women. Its instinctual.
It’s good the article posits multiple explanations, because I doubt there is any single explanation that covers all the cases. I agree that we can’t assume that the other woman wants a full-time, long-term relationship. The pursuit can have as many motivations as any other pursuit. Plus, there’s the possibility that he is simply attractive, which is why his wife wants him as well. Maybe the other woman wants him for the same reason that his wife wants him. In many cases the attraction is DESPITE the fact that he’s married, not because he’s married. I’m intrigued by the “pre-screened”… Read more »
Great segue from the “gay” article currently running – with the qualifier that interest as expressed in a survey response is not in the same ballpark as actual behavior. I’d like to eat ice cream every day, but I do not.
Carrying some of the comments from the other thread – it could be, in part, the safe girlfriend equivalent in the form of the married male as opposed to the gay male. Whether it is a misguided belief is beside the point, I guess.
This isn’t something new. I’m married 37 years last month. When I was engaged to my future Wife and for the first couple of years that I was married, I was actually hit on several times by some of her co-workers (She worked with A LOT of women and they had lots social gatherings),. Now, I’m not now nor was I ever ‘Good Looking’. Being ‘Blue Collar’ my whole life, I never was rolling in money. I honestly think it was a case of curiosity (What,s he got that she wants). Hey, maybe since I wasn’t good looking and didn’t… Read more »
Anyone else feel disgusted when reading about this? Go find a nice single man, there are PLENTY around.
Seriously……I read through it twice and the only thing I could think was, that’s really childish and who wants to be involved with that in any capacity.
I think this tends to cluster with borderline personality disorder when it exists (when the woman is single.) It’s a lesson in why one shouldn’t do rough-cut social science.
Correction: “Why SOME Women Want Married Men” Not ALL women see married men as attractive…this is a College Composition II lesson no writer should forget. Take me for example, I find hot guys attractive. If i see a ring i laugh and go about my business. Him being married makes me NOT attracted to him. But then there’s that whole “atypical” thing. Maybe I’m the only one… oh yeah, and a guy with kids? I run away screaming. Ha ha.
Correction: “Why SOME Women Want Married Men”
Cosign.
@Atypical: nope, you’re not the only one. Even when I was a teenager if one of my friends even LIKED a boy, I backed off. This should probably read Why Certain Kinds of Women Want Married Men. But I guess that title wouldn’t be as eye-catching. Also, I find the term “male-poaching” unsettling. Do men not have a say? Are these married men helpless against the sheer force of unbridled lust coming at them? Or could they say “Please don’t hit on me, I’m married.” If the woman persists: restraining order. If men AND women learned to deal swiftly and… Read more »
This article illuminates some of the comments that appeared following my article about the attention I started receiving from women following the birth of my daughter:
https://goodmenproject.com/families/baby-brings-dad-unusual-attention-from-beautiful-women/