Who doesn’t want to create more intimacy in our relationships? Why is this such a difficult thing in marriage?
When couples and singles see me for private counseling sessions, intimacy is certainly one of the issues they want to work on. Intimacy begins with YOU!
The first thing I like to do is to define our terms. When some people talk about having more intimacy, they sometimes mean more emotional intimacy. Some people mean more sexual intimacy. And some refer to both the emotional and physical aspects of more intimacy.
Let’s begin with the emotional aspects needed to create more intimacy:
A long time ago, I heard a clever definition of intimacy, re-languaged to Into-Me-I See. This defines intimacy first as an inner process of self-discovery and self-knowledge.
For some, desire creates arousal. For others, arousal creates desire. Both are true when they are true. Both work. Both are valid.
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Now let’s apply this lens in the context of an intimate partnership. In this partnership, we begin to discover new parts of ourselves. Or perhaps we uncover parts that are gradually revealed to us in reaction to our partner and the relationship. We can begin to share these discoveries and insights with our partner. Such sharing can be a very exciting process.
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To me, being in partnership provides the environment, the soil for me to grow, for me to discover parts of myself that I otherwise wouldn’t know. This comes from the safety and the trust that builds over time that allows me to become more open and more vulnerable. With more of me available, I can share more intimacy!
So my partner is the stimulus to me, allowing me to uncover parts of myself that I would never have discovered on my own. Some of these are the so-called good parts; some are what we label the bad parts. If we take away the labels and judgments, they are all parts of myself, parts that need to be revealed and illuminated, so that I can make choices about which parts I want to feed and water and nourish and which parts I want to let hibernate, and go dormant.
And in a loving, accepting partnership, I can allow those parts to come out as they are stimulated, and I can share them with myself and my partner. That is true intimacy to me: discovering parts of myself I didn’t know I had and sharing them with someone.
That is certainly how we can create more intimacy and true growth. This is how I view emotional intimacy.
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Sometimes we use the term “intimacy” as a polite way of speaking of sexuality and physical connection with a partner. The sexual act, and sexual connection CAN be an extremely intimate connection. It isn’t necessarily, yet it CAN be. And in the context of a loving partnership, the emotional intimacy can fuel the sexual intimacy. And the sexual intimacy can fuel the emotional intimacy. And they can feed upon each other to create an expansion and growth to the relationship, and MORE intimacy!
You know the old saying that women need love to connect to their sexuality and men need sex to connect to their love? While I avoid generalizations, there is some truth to this statement. Perhaps you have experienced this in some of your relationships.
I’ve spoken before about the two styles of connecting to sexuality: the autogenic, which is more typically masculine, which is more the direct physical connection, and the psychogenic, which is more typically feminine, which is the mental, emotional connection. For some, desire creates arousal. For others, arousal creates desire. Both are true when they are true. Both work. Both are valid.
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To bring more sexual intimacy to your relationship, I think it is good to take both routes. Sometimes it is good to surrender to the physical and let the pure arousal take you over. Sometimes it is good to create desire, and build up to that arousal.
Again, sexual intimacy, like emotional intimacy is about discovering new parts of yourself and sharing them with your partner. So stretch and try on new attitudes, new ways of being together sexually.
I’m a believer in what I’ve called “all day foreplay.” Start in the morning by telling your partner how you feel about them, and what you’d like to be doing with them when you come home from work. Perhaps leave them a little note with more of your thoughts. Maybe later, send them a text or even a picture! Sexting (sexy texting) can be a VERY effective form of foreplay. Next, maybe an email or a sexy telephone message. Stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone here, maybe just a little bit.
And when you get home, set the stage even more, whether it’s with the traditional flowers and candy or an erotic gift (or toy) or maybe another card or an original poem. Building the anticipation and tension is always so nice, especially when you know you’ll be relieving that tension later on.
This article originally appeared, in slightly different format, at The Passion Doctor.
Photo by Miss Turner
Jessica,
You’re definitely preaching to the choir here, which is part of why I wrote this piece. My work as a couples counselor absolutely involves clarifying and translating what each partner wants and precisely what their words mean. We often hear what we choose to hear, not what is being said.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam Sheck
I think that is a big distinction that many people fail to make, between emotional and sexual intimacy. Both are important, but if you focus purely sexual intimacy you can become detached and alienate your partner. I have found that, often, women will want more intimacy, but their partner hears “wants more sex” and misses the boat on what she wants.
I don’t think it’s so much that people fail to make the distinction between the two, as much as it is that people actually want different levels of the two.
FK,
What you say is probably true for some people, yet for others, I believe that they genuinely don’t understand the distinction or aren’t able to make it in the moment at least. It’s possible that you might be projecting your level of awareness onto the general public. Of course, those that read GMP are more aware than the average.
Adam Sheck
F.K.,
That sentence was written in the context of a committed relationship where the partners were mutually agreeable to creating more intimacy, romance and sexual connection. The odds then are stacked in favor of successful connection and release. There are no guarantees however, only invitations. Makes sense now?
Adam Sheck
Dr. Sheck,
Thanks for the answer.
Yes, it makes sense. And I guess that’s pretty much where we got stuck. But you have to really want to change, and not just say that you want it.
FlyingKal, in my experience, both physical and emotional intimacy is a very vulnerable place. I have found that respect, trust, and unconditional acceptance are vital components to being vulnerable and intimate with another. But like the author said, it starts with us first. We need to fix our thinking first. Get comfortable with these concepts. 1. Men and women are different. Vastly different. We compete differently, motivate differently, our language is different, we walk differently, men need sex/women need attention, etc. We’ll never really understand the opposite sex, but we can respect our differences and not be critical. If we… Read more »
How beautiful you express this !
You are so right.
Lovely.
Joan,
I think you’re right. On all 4 points.
And I think that your point #1 touches the same issue that I tried to comment upon.
What I meant to say, WRT to #1, is that we all need to respect our differences and open up. But I think that is often just where we fail. Because when we open up, we often deviate from our partner’s expectations, and therefore we also open up for critizism.
And I’d be hard pressed to say that one gender is generally worse than the other in this regard…
Joan,
Thanks for such a thoughtful share. While I’m a fan of interdependence and that’s really what I support couples in creating in their partnerships in my couples counseling, this “we complete each other” statement is one I disagree with.
If we are not whole coming into a relationship, expecting the other to “complete” us, it creates huge problems and we set ourselves up in what I would consider those types of fantasies. Two wholes coming together to expand their lives, that I can support.
Take care,
Adam
F.K.,
Yes, you absolutely have to want to change and be committed to it. I wrote a post about that very issue, that most people “talk” about change which is different, it’s someplace on http://thepassiondoctor.com
Adam
Dr Sheck
I’ll try another angle, I it’s not offensive this time.
“Building the anticipation and tension is always so nice, especially when you know you’ll be relieving that tension later on.”
Why the “especially”?
What is nice with building anticipation and tension if you don’t know you will be relieving it soon?
Or maybe if your experience even tell you that you most probably will not be relieving it?
I just seems like here in America we have made a very simply act (sex) and intimacy very complicated.
We have stood every thing on its head when it comes to sex and intimacy.
Maybe if we actually talked to one another, as opposed to emails and text messages, things would improve.
Jules,
I may be old fashioned (definitely not part of the texting Gen Y demographic), so I agree, nothing beats good old fashioned face-to-face communication and connection. It is becoming a lost art which I find myself training my couples in, during our counseling sessions. Though ironically, I DO work with couples through telephone and Skype as required, so go figure 🙂
Adam Sheck
Dr. Sheck, Yes, technology. I’ll share. Over a year ago I cancelled my cell phone contract, because I noticed I had 4 email accounts and various apps and was getting sick of needless distractions and redundancies. I found texts and chat to be a poor substitute for a conversation. I still have emails, internet, and a landline at home. The first month was awkward, I felt like I was out of touch and had that nervous energy like I was going to miss something. However, my relationships have improved astronomically. I am more present in conversations, listen, and smile more.… Read more »
Hi Adam You write about intimacy that starts “as an inner process of self-discovery and self-knowledge.”. I am not good at intimacy(I am divorced ) but want to improve , to better my chances for a better relationship next time and also to learn to be a better friend. Is there anything else I can do,in addition to know myself better and be able to express it? Most of us also have some close friendships with both sexes. That is also a kind of emotional intimacy without the erotic component. And one day the friend says something that is so… Read more »
Iben,
Yes, to be open and vulnerable IS to be open to pain and hurt as well. It can be an opportunity to heal that wound if we bring consciousness to it. The reactivity of the “lizard brain” is a big part of that challenge. I write about this on my blogsite in this post – http://thepassiondoctor.com/do-you-get-triggered-in-your-relationship/
Hopefully that will start you off,
Adam Sheck
Dr Sheck.
Was that really an answer to my comment above,or was it in reality a comment to mine that got refused? 😉
And, I’m sorry I mis-spelled your name in that other comment.
FK,
Not to worry, many people add a letter to my name. Who knows what the original name was when my family go to Ellis Island. Yes, I was responding, yet it now reads a little bit like a non-sequitor. What I meant was that we all have intimacy issues that play out in relationships or in our not being in relationships and that it takes courage to face ourselves in the mirror of the other.
Adam Sheck
Hi Adam Thank you for giving men good advice. I wonder why men are far more interested in discussing how they can and can not look at women in the street,then talk about intimacy. The men that are good at intimacy often keep their women,and have long lasting relationship. That is my hypotheses. Why are they so interested in looking at women in the street ? Are there so few places,arenas where men in America can socialize with women ,get to know them and then fall in love? Many have a fear of intimacy,or lack praxis. This issue is far… Read more »
Iben. Some comments. “I wonder why men are far more interested in discussing how they can and can not look at women in the street,then talk about intimacy.” I think this is, largely, two (or more) separate groups of men.. “Many have a fear of intimacy,or lack praxis.” Maybe many men lack praxis because they don’t feel comfortable conforming to their partner’s standard for intimacy (what to talk about, how much to talk about it, when to talk about it, what displays of intimacy are acceptable and when, etc…). Or maybe thay can’t display their affection because their partner has… Read more »
F.K.,
We all have intimacy issues at one level or another and they can create a self-fulfilling prophecy in relationship if we don’t become aware of them and work them through. Motivated singles and couples who want more intimacy are my favorite people to work with and have the best results.
Adam Sheck
Hi Flayingkal You write: “you cannot be intimate with a partner, much less “learn” to be intimate with one, unless you somehow have a partner” And I agree,but… If you ( and myself included ) wants to meet new partners I think the street,bars and nigjtclubs are the last place to start. At least in my part of the world, I am not saying it is impossible . My father saw my mother for the first time in the street. He invited her to a cup of tea and a sandwich in our best and most sophisticates restaurant – cafe.… Read more »
@Iben….
“This idea that you can start a romantic relationship with a stranger in the street is a bit unrealistic .”
But why is it unrealistic? Yet we go for strangers with online dating. We are all strangers before we meet.
Yes, I would agree that it is better to meet women in arenas where women are more relaxed and people chat and try to get to know one another.
Hi Jules When I said it is unrealistic I see this from my little corner of the world. A Scandinavian city with 600000 inhabitants. Here all men are respectful to women in the street and do not walk up strangers in the hope of a romance. There is no catcalling or whistling. They look and smile ,that is all. Not all the looks are pleasant but they only look. It is not scary. If you sit down however on a bench or on the gras in the park, maybe a man stop to chat. But it is not a problem.… Read more »
Iben,
The paragraph you cited started with “The venue for “picking up” a woman aside,”…
I never said that any possible venues should be excluded.
Hi F.K.
You are right. It can happen anywhere and when we least expect it if we are open for it.
Iben,
I think I’m following your comment. It has been my experience, at least in the virtual world of the Internet that men will spend their time/money in “how to get laid” programs and women will spend their time/money on “calling in the one” programs.
Sadly, very few invest in “keep the one” and “reigniting the passion in a long-term relationship” which is my work both live and on my http://www.thepassiondoctor.com website. I’d love to be able to change that dynamic and hope to by continuing to write and blog about it.
Adam Sheck