Certain criticisms don’t mean what the critics think they do.
This article is a response to “How to Deal With a Psycho Bitch From Hell” by Atalwin Pilon.
Women are not labeled bitches when they behave irrationally, or when their actions are emotions-driven. The label given in those situations is “crazy,” and those women are thought to be weak and in need of someone who can care for them.
Strong women who demand that their expectations are met are labeled bitches.
I’ve been labeled a bitch in many instances. I was raised to be polite and kind, but to always stand up for myself and what I believe in. Because I start off being sweet and understanding – even while stating what I want and expect – men tend to be shocked when I truly stand up for myself. The knee-jerk reaction at that point is to call me a bitch.
Admittedly, on occasion, I’ve thought to myself, “Well, if you are going to call me a bitch because I’m asking that you meet these reasonable expectations, then I might as well ACT like a bitch – maybe then we’ll see some movement in the right direction.” More often than not, it is only when I have finally had enough — of being put off, of being told things are no big deal, of being held back — that I stop being understanding and calm, and I start really demanding things. The frustration from being unheard is maddening, and it builds up until my communication becomes extremely direct. At that point, apparently I’m being a bitch.
Here’s the truth, though: what I accept is what I will get. I’m not here to live a mediocre life. I failed to live as a strong woman for many years out of fear of ridicule, fear of not being loved, fear of not making it on my own. Guess what? While living that mediocre life, I was ridiculed anyway, I had people stop loving me anyway, and I wasn’t making it on my own anyway. It was only when I stopped being afraid of what anyone else would think and of what the outcome might be that I truly started living the life I am meant to live –which is a life of value, and one in which I am able to help others.
Men want women who are independent – who make their own money, who pay their own bills, who come to the table ready to be equal partners. Yet men also seem to want women who will remain passive with respect to their ideas, their expectations, and their drive to get what they want. That mindset causes strong women to feel oppressed. It can cause strong women to become emotionally driven – when they normally wouldn’t dream of behaving in that manner – because they’ve had enough. Then come the “crazy,” “irrational,” “overly-emotional,” “emotionally unstable” labels. Women who are portrayed in that light lose almost all credibility, and the descriptor that then gets thrown around at jobs, in social circles, and in courtrooms is unreasonable. Unreasonable people are not taken seriously. Period.
That nasty spiral is meant to bully women into remaining subservient to men. The bullying is covert, which makes it even more harmful to strong women. The bullying actions are concealed in seemingly normal situations, and once a woman gets tagged with the unreasonable label, no one will ever question the bully’s true motives.
If strong women are so passionate in their drive to stand up for themselves, how can such bullying actually happen?
The answer is FEAR.
The bitch label, and subsequent assumptions about a woman’s character, cause fear. I’ve always been a passionate, driven woman. The only thing that has ever held me back is fear.
Strong women have had to give into the fear created by the bully-driven bitch label because of money needs, career desires and goals, and to protect children from unfair court proceedings. Women who are doing the right thing, playing fair, and following the rules naturally expect that others will behave likewise. It doesn’t even cross our minds that people would live any other way. Truth is, when we stand up for ourselves, there is a very real possibility that those who feel threatened by our strength will cause things to get much, much worse instead of having a breakthrough understanding of our positions.
The effects of this manner of bullying can be devastating. I know – I lived it.
To be clear:
Strong women are not asking for anyone to save them.
Strong women are not asking for anyone to give them special favors.
Strong women are not seeking an easy way out.
Strong women are not looking to blame anyone for their own failures.
We are asking that everyone follow the rules and that the playing field is level. We recognize our weaknesses along with our strengths, and we don’t make excuses. We also refuse to accept them. We want to be treated fairly and with respect, and we want others to meet appropriate expectations.
The bullying of strong women must stop. We have much to offer and much to contribute. We deserve to live our lives passionately and without fear. I do not think for one second that’s too much to ask. It’s probably not enough.
Photo—Adam, L’Iconoclaste Banal/Flickr
Well just look at how horrible they’re and act these days. Enough said right there.
I know how the author of this post feels I’ve been in very closely similar situations where men tried to bully me but they tried to say they like a strong woman. I know that assertion from some men to be a lie and I know this to be fact because I have been independent,self sufficient ,strong and THE WHOLE TIME terrified that I was going to be labelled a bitch, difficult to be around or deal with all of which I have and I decided that while men may think they can do a better job of controlling a… Read more »
I know this article is ancient but…
Marry me.
I thought I married a strong woman, but was fooled. Now I am free!
Hi Melissa: I am a strong woman, and have always been, even when I didn’t act like it. I get it that you needed to express all this – but please, you do not speak for all strong women. You say “Strong women are not asking for anyone to save them” – You know, I actually like it when someone saves me – when I need saving (and I have), but that doesn’t mean I want to be saved all the time. You say, “Strong women are not asking for anyone to give them special favors” – oh my! I… Read more »
Natalieg- Thank you, spoken like a strong women. I too have been ‘saved’ at times when I’ve needed help and am grateful for those heros. Yes, they receive special treatment in return. And I too rarely ask for help, but when someone does a kind gesture or a special favor, often I have tears of joy because it is so rare. Thanks for your input, it helps me too.
Natalie: Thank you. So much. Your comments give another layer to this much-needed discussion. I have several points to make regarding your commentary: First, I completely agree with you that life isn’t fair — and I’m actually thankful for that. The times I’ve grown the most have been the times when I’ve had to overcome because of something horribly unfair. I have no need to save my energy for fights I can “win” because I’m not looking to fight – or to win. My energy is spent doing my best to live my life according to my values, not in… Read more »
What I read in the article is that the label of “bitch” gets overused a lot. Often the word is used for women who are simply standing up for themselves and expressing some sort of independence, and as a result, too many people are quick to brand them as “bitches.” The fear of this overused word pressures some women to be more passive than they otherwise would be. Sounds like a pretty accurate statement about a phenomenon that does exist. Some men think that any woman expressing an opinion confidently is a bitch, and that’s just lame. For me, the… Read more »
People like to misuse the word ‘bemused’ a lot, too. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s a perfectly valid way to describe a lack of amusement. Other people are responsible for other people. I bear no guilt for what they choose to do. If you think you misuse words, fell free to check yourself. I will continue on my own merry little way, safe in the knowledge that I am awesome and use words exactly as they were intended to be used. Unless I intend not to. And asshole just takes too damned long, and it’s pretty awkward. So… Read more »
Ogwriter, Thank you for your respectful and articulate comment. Interestingly, although this article has the feminism tag, I have never aligned myself with that movement. In fact, I think the aggressive feminists do women an incredible disservice. I agree completely that they have a sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, some people have such a visceral reaction to those feminists, they fail to even consider that a strong (value-driven, truly independent) woman could be bullied. Instead, they jump right to the assumption that the woman must have been a bitch and must deserve whatever treatment she is getting, however abusive or negative.… Read more »
Melissa, quick question. “…women hide behind a so-called strong woman label to excuse aggressive and uncalled for behavior…” Obviously you see this stuff occasionally in your life too.
As a woman, when you see this abrasive type of behavior, do you ever say anything to other women or do you let it go?
Hi, Joan: To be quite honest (and to acknowledge that what I actually said is: “Do women hide behind a so-called strong woman label to excuse aggressive and uncalled for behavior? Absolutely.”), it’s not so much that I’ve encountered the so-called abrasive behavior from other women, as it is that I am sure there are women who will use any excuse they can to behave badly, just as some men will use any available justification to be abusive. I do not approach random people (male or female) to point out behavior I feel is inappropriate. The RUB is actually this:… Read more »
Ok, that’s my experience too. I don’t see it often in public, because most of the time people are in ‘public-mode’. I’d feel weird walking up to a complete stranger or totally out of line by saying “hey, that’s abrasive behavior” but have seen that abrasive behavior in my girlfriends and co-workers. I do my best to understand, instead of calling her a name. Just because she needs to be heard, doesn’t mean she’s a bitch.
Melissa…The problem I have is that too many women behave badly and blow it off by saying that they are exercising their independence in doing so. I like Betty Friedan because at least she had the balls to admit to being a bitch who demanded that everyone, men and women, do things her way. I am not saying that you are that way, but too many women get it twisted. It should also be noted that the same characteristics, egotistical, demanding, impatience, and abrasiveness, that drove her to start the second wave of feminism and become the first president of… Read more »
Almost all the women claiming to be “independent” are deluded. The type of independence that a good chunk of men have is an independence that makes them NOT CARE about what others think. All the so called independent women still OBSESS over what others think and try to change the standards for how they are perceived so that they will get recognition from everybody and be popular and be part of the herd etc. Independent men do not give a shit about that they just want to create their own world and be free of the practical constraints of others… Read more »
Icelander, I just recently had this discussion. Women are not that independent, but our culture teaches women to be independent and to act like men. Some women come across abrasive, controlling, or demanding, when they try to be heard. It’s always controversial when I say it, but women are dependent on feedback from others. It’s socially unacceptable for a women to say she is dependent on others. My brother used to say it this way ‘you girls are too much on the outside.” I’m probably one of the very few women on this planet that can admit, Yep, I’m dependent… Read more »
Thank you, all, for your comments. I, too, like Joan, have a long list of accomplished feats – most of which I completed on my own, without ever expecting or demanding help from anyone else. I won’t list them here, because that would detract from my point — and, quite frankly, both men and women have longs lists of accomplished feats, many accumulated by triumphing over tragedy and without anyone’s assistance. I deserve no medal for what I’ve accomplished, regardless of the hell I lived through and what I’ve had to overcome. To clarify, when I mentioned demanding that my… Read more »
“To clarify, when I mentioned demanding that my expectations be met, I was referring either to others holding to their word or to the law being upheld, and that my fair play and forthright actions would result in what the majority of our society would deem fair and just.” I expect the law to be upheld, that’s fine. I hope people stick to their word but I can’t demand people to be honest, it’d be a better society if people were honest. It’d be great for fair play too but I can’t demand others change, only hope for it. I’d… Read more »
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts from the other side… and please know, I think it’s vital that we all take a step back to reflect on how we might be perceived by others — especially if we aren’t getting our point across. The trouble lies in the bully’s mindset – it’s all about twisting reality and capitalizing on any perceived weakness to continue the abuse. You further made my point about the “might as well act like a bitch” statement. I am given the bitch label merely for refusing to back down or for holding to my values –… Read more »
Yeah so much bullying is hard to actually write down in words, body language, and actions done near me did a lot to damage me during my own bullying but it’s actually very hard to describe. Things like being rejected by your peers, and their tone of voice when they talk to you did havoc on my mind and made me feel very unwelcome. “THINKING I might as well act like a bitch does not mean I go ahead and do it. It’s interesting to me that some readers automatically assumed that is what occurred. ” I think it has… Read more »
Archy– you summed it up exactly. “I have to admit I do feel safer around soft spoken men and women, the nurturer part completely relaxes me, but problem is in the workplace they often get walked over I think since people I guess prefer a confident strong voice” I’ve found that most people respond positively to the soft spoken nature of men and women, but it appears that the squeaky wheel gets oil. And that may be true in many circumstances, but in the long run people are drawn to that gentle strength and repelled, or at least irritated, by… Read more »
you know when Dr Pat Allen teaching that women should have 2 buttons: one for work that causes her to be male like aka treat all with competitive drive for success, and button 2 that is reserved for home where they behave in feminine ways aka respect her man. Well, Dr Pat Allen has missed the opportunity to mention that males should also have two buttons: 1 at work they should forget that females are females and treat them like they treat their male colleagues aka with respect, and 2 at home they should switch to treating their wife, gfrind… Read more »
In theory, this sounds great. However, in practice, most of us guys know from experience that we can’t just treat women like men. As a guy you can be much firmer, more assertive, and confrontational with other guys. Treat many women in the same way and they will accuse you of being a bully, insensitive, or something else of the kind. If a guy gets hurt in a reasonable, non-vicious, but robust interaction, he is generally expected to take it or to remove himself from the context with no hard feelings on either side. If a woman gets hurt in… Read more »
My impression is that a person with bad attitude, is a weak person who pose as a strong one. A strong person dont need a aggressive attitude. Just demanding and attacking other people is not a sign of strength its a sign of weakness and immaturity. A strong woman is a calm person with a mar cant personality. You can threat her with fist’s or weapons, but she will still be calm and look at you straight in the eyes. If we should label people with bitchy/jerky behavior as strong, is then abusive violent men strong people? or are they… Read more »
“A strong woman is a calm person with a mar cant personality. You can threat her with fist’s or weapons, but she will still be calm and look at you straight in the eyes.”
I totally agree, a strong woman has internal strength to weather life’s storms, not just possessing a demanding, entitled superficial attitude. Some of the strongest women in our history were not demanding, simply determined…look at Mother Teresa, Golda Meir, and Harriet Tubman…that’s strength.
“Men want women who are independent – who make their own money, who pay their own bills, who come to the table ready to be equal partners. Yet men also seem to want women who will remain passive with respect to their ideas, their expectations, and their drive to get what they want. That mindset causes strong women to feel oppressed. It can cause strong women to become emotionally driven – when they normally wouldn’t dream of behaving in that manner – because they’ve had enough.” So you fly off the handle and it’s the fault of men. Gotcha. When… Read more »
This article is typical “When a woman demands what she wants, she’s STRONG and INDEPENDENT and AWESOME. When a man demands what he wants, he’s CONTROLLING and ABUSIVE and A BULLY.” crap.
What actually is “strong woman”? When we think of strong man, we visualize a muscular man who can lift heavy weights, has good stamina and can deal with tough situations and come out as winner. On the other hand, women who refer thsemselves as “strong women” have usually huge egos and want everybody to tow their line, otherwise they keep whining. Usually these so-called “strong women” are themselves more likely to be a bully than be bullied.
Rapses- good point. I consider myself a strong woman, but gentle when it comes to people and their feelings and thoughts.
I’ve made it through a 4-year and a graduate degree, lost both parents, changed careers, own a home, military combat veteran, all on my own, yet I still retain that gentleness with others and demand very little. I have never been bullied for being a strong, resourceful, gentle woman.
When you stand up for yourself people push back. You have to be careful that you are not actually being a bitch/asshole. Sometimes when I am assertive, I’m actually being an asshole. I’m usually aware when I’m being an asshole, and I’m OK with it. You are taking the victim mentality, while being aggressive towards other people. This is a dangerous place to be emotionally because it allows you to disregard the other person’s clearly expressed anger then feel justified and self-righteous about your behaviour, because you are the victim. It would take a carefully designed study to demonstrate that… Read more »
Melissa,
This is a terrific piece. Kudos to you and all strong women who stand up for themselves and say no to this shit.
I recently met a woman who is a police officer. She said she gets the bitch thingy from fellow male officers and men when either she pulls them over or during an arrest. But, she too stands firm.
I live in Maryland. During domestic disputes, the law requires both a male and female officer be present. She stated that nearly half the time she will hear the “B” word, even from the women! Crazy.
“She said she gets the bitch thingy from fellow male officers and men when either she pulls them over or during an arrest.” What on earth do you think the male officers gets called when they arrest people? They to get sward at, spat at hit and threatened. The difference between the male officers and the female officers is that the male officers understand that this is the way the world works, this is part of the job and it requires you to toughen yourself to handle it while the female officers think the standard treatment of male officers is… Read more »
@Icelander…
I have been pulled over a half dozen times in my life. Never arrested for anything. The times i was pulled over NEVER once did I have a negative view of the officer. Why? He or she was simply doing their damn job! Also, I was raised to respect and obey the law.
I found it ironic that the female police officer gets the “B” word from so many women too.
I love this post so much. I’ve been referred to as a bitch more than once, but it was almost universally by someone who felt threatened by me. Great post, and good job!!!
The bitch conversations offer some degree of fascination to me. I’m a strong person. People who know me know I worked hard to get to where I am against some pretty serious odds where survival was even questionable. I have gained respect in my community and from my friends. Not because I’m strong and I yell louder or are more direct than anyone else. Mostly the respect is because I’m consistent. I don’t fly off the handle, I don’t emotionally or in any other way manipulate people, I am pretty transparent, I communicate like an adult talking to another adult… Read more »
I agree, I work with lots of strong assertive women, some of whom I respect, and some that I don’t. The worrying passage in the article is this one. Admittedly, on occasion, I’ve thought to myself, “Well, if you are going to call me a bitch because I’m asking that you meet these reasonable expectations, then I might as well ACT like a bitch – maybe then we’ll see some movement in the right direction.” More often than not, it is only when I have finally had enough — of being put off, of being told things are no big… Read more »
Good point, Mike. I agree: that particular point is worrying and suggests that the writer isn’t taking such a good approach. It is one thing to stand up for yourself and fight your corner in a manner determined by your own strength of character, confidence, and resolve. It is quite another to react to people out of anger, madness, and frustration and for your ‘demanding’ to take this form. When this happens, you are letting the unreasonable person set the terms of the interaction. In my experience, this really isn’t an approach that shows confidence and determination. The strong response… Read more »
That tantrum part struck me as well and what i see with lots of women who get upset about being called a bitch. And the directness. Don’t get me wrong I’m all about being direct and honest. I also know many people deliberately use “fighting” words in their directness. Or who use directness as a dominance play etc. Being direct can be a weapon as much as it is a pleasant thing. But I digressed away from the tantrum comment as well. The tantrum thing apparently is getting the results that are wanted. Or in other words fear responses. That… Read more »
To put this bluntly: You have no right to have your expectations met. They are your expectations. That’s all they are. You can demand whatever you want, but you are in no way entitled to have other people care about those demands. Your life revolves around you. The world does not. I think you’ll that everyone – man or women – who demands that the society reorders itself to fit their whims and needs will get called nasty names. That’s because these names were created entirely to describe people like them. Tl;DR: If you don’t want people to call you… Read more »
Amen, Melissa.
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I don’t think that men get treated, ‘fairly and with respect’. So, asking for that *is* asking for special treatment.
To accept being treated, ‘equally’, is to accept what men accept and I don’t think we are willing to do that. Neither should men be.
I think that what both strong men and strong women have realized is that you can’t just expect people to give you a hearing and respect. You have to make yourself heard and command respect. Society doesn’t just present us with an honoured place, power, and influence on a silver platter. Society is seldom receptive to us: we have to make society change and make it pay attention. We shouldn’t expect society to bend over backwards or make allowances to accommodate us, or recognize our potential. We must realize our own potential and to make society sit up and take… Read more »
This is not to deny that there are contexts which should be designed to function for more dependent and less agentic people, making everyone feel accepted and valued. However, such contexts are nested within larger power structures and aren’t very capable of producing power themselves. When those within them find themselves relatively weak in comparison to those who are assertive, agentic, independent, and externally oriented power creators they should not presume that they are being treated unjustly. Those with more power should also empower and protect the weak, vulnerable, and dependent, but inequality of power is no injustice per se.
“I don’t think that men get treated, ‘fairly and with respect’. So, asking for that *is* asking for special treatment.” Exactly! I’d love to know where to go to get treated fairly and with respect without having to earn it or jump some bunch of hoops. “To accept being treated, ‘equally’, is to accept what men accept and I don’t think we are willing to do that. Neither should men be.” Indeed, I feel some women have this grass is greener view of what a men’s life is like without realizing the level of shit that goes on. Seeing only… Read more »
This is a very good example of something that everyone who tries to be decisive, self-defined, and determined, to have clear personal goals, boundaries, and values, will often experience in contexts where the people around them are reactive and fail to differentiate their identities from those of others. In such situations, as soon as you clearly differentiate yourself from the psychological dynamics of the group or relationship and start to define yourself in a way that establishes a clear line between where you end and other people begin and refuse to let their demands, pressure, or emotions cross over, you… Read more »
Wow, marry me! This is EXACTLY how I feel. I’ve dealt with the same issues because of my refusal to conform to anything that goes against my values. I seem to have been born without a “human herding mechanism” and as a result I have dealt with bullies from childhood. They have never broken me; they’ve only made my willpower stronger. 😉
This may or may not apply to you, the words demanding, losing calm etc may mean something different to you and so I may not be accurate in the following… Are women who self-label as strong women really being polite though or are they acting like a bitch/asshole? I’m sure there are some that cop the label for standing up for themselves but there are also those who use the strong woman label to hide behind whilst acting negatively, with arrogance, bossy/pushy behaviour that would piss people off whether male or female (males get called assholes for it). Is it… Read more »
THANK YOU for this post.