I know it has been a long time since we last corresponded, but I finally feel like I have something worthwhile to say: a new Three Stooges will premiere in the spring. This film, which combines the directing talents of the Farrelly Brothers with the ham acting of Sean Hayes and Will Sasso, is probably going to knock the socks off filmgoers around the world. Sasso, who most people would place a distant second to impressionist and all-around yukster Frank Caliendo among fat guys on Mad TV, has long deserved a starring vehicle and–Xmas wishes do come true, Em!–he now has one that’s sure to put him on the map.
Although you were never one for “gross-out” comedy, I really hope that you give The Three Stooges the ol’ college try. It might not go down like a spoonful of sugar, but I’d lay to dollars to doughnuts that it proves to be the most filling family fare of the year. The Farrellys didn’t disappoint their fans with wonderful buddy comedies like Stuck on You and I doubt they’re going to start now.
Em, I understand that things didn’t work out between us, but please don’t hold that against the many accomplished performers who have given their lives and their sacred honor to this production. Of course wish I could be there next to you in the theater so that I could reach down into your peasant blouse and caress your secret soul, but that’s a lot of wishful thinking. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never been more excited about a movie than I am about this one–and that includes all of Jim Varney’s Ernest movies and the entire Moranis oeuvre.
I miss you so much, Em. Whenever I post one of my faux-suicidal Friendface statuses, where I’m pretending that I’m about to off myself in order to get instant gratification and affirmation from other humans, you’re the person I’d really like to respond. Alas, you never will, because you defriended me years ago and now all of the info on your profile is private. In fact, I can’t even find you on FF when I run a search using your e-mail address. I’ve heard of playing hard to get, but that is straight-up ridonkulous (lol)!
Anyway, Em, go and see The Three Stooges. Each time you chortle when someone gets nailed in the crotch or giggle when a lobster pinches a woman’s fulsome 38C breasts, don’t be afraid to imagine that I’m right beside you, sweating profusely and treasuring every moment of our special evening together.
Best wishes for a great 201X,