ESPN game show winner Jim Jividen and his longtime friend Kirk Hiner discuss the raw emotions that accompany the upcoming game between their favorite teams.
I’ve been an open and notorious fan of all matters San Francisco sports since Scott Bull chaired the Niner offense. There maybe isn’t a single day of my conscious life that I haven’t thought, at least once, of some element of one of my teams (I made it through my dad’s wake by thinking about Sleepy Floyd’s 29 point quarter against the Lakers in the ’87 western semis. It’s what he would have wanted). The 49ers have been in a couple of protracted blood feuds in my life, rivalries that really galvanized the fan base. I dated a Dallas Cowboy fan for awhile but could not have in either the early 80s or 90s; she dumped me a couple of years before the ’92 NFC Title game, had she said “look, before long I’ll be wearing an Alvin Harper jersey, and the sex just won’t be worth it for you” I would have received that better than hearing she was going back to her old boyfriend.
I’ve never really had a relationship of any importance that placed us on opposite sides of a hot sports rivalry.
Until now.
The 49ers and Seahawks meet Sunday in Super Bowl 47 ½. Since Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh took their “what’s your deal” animosity from college to the pros, the active dislike the two organizations have for each other, really at every level, has reached their respective fanbases. Regardless of how the NFC Championship game turns out, every questionable call, every borderline hit will be summer long fuel for the revenge bonfire of the losing side.
And on that side will either be me, or my friend of 25 years, Kirk Hiner. I talked to Kirk recently about our opposition in the upcoming Battle of NFC Antietam.
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Jim: Speak to the people, Hiner. Tell them your tale of Seahawk woe. I’ll spell out Roethlisberger for you so you can copy/paste.
Kirk: My tale of Seahawk woe is long and complicated, and wholly unjustified. I’m not from Seattle. I’ve never even been there. I have no emotional ties to the city or its people or its other sports franchises. I’ve never, in person, seen anyone throw a fish. But I’ve been a rabid Seahawks fan since 1983. I can’t tell you how it happened. The story I used to tell people was apparently made up, because I did some research and found out the dates were wrong. (Sorry for making you the bad guy for so long, Mr. Kish.)
But Roethlisberger, he isn’t much a part of my tale. I’d rather think of Roethlisberger than the entirety of the 1990s. Ben did everything he possibly could to help us win Super Bowl XL, he just wasn’t able to overcome Holmgren’s poor clock management, DJax’s inability to run proper routes and keep his hands off defenders, and the officials’…I guess I shouldn’t go there. I don’t want your readers to view me the way people view your coach.
Jim: What’s the current view your people have of my people? Israel vs. the Palestinians or the Republican Party vs. any American with a net worth under a million bucks?
Kirk: You’ve seen the commercials. We’re all the time throwing coolers at Colin Kaepernick’s bus while he listens to his Arcade Fire or Frost soundtrack or whatever’s on his Beats by Dre (which are horribly overrated headphones, by the way…almost as overrated as Kaepernick himself). We’re the revolution and you’re Louis the XVI. We’re the good people of Los Angeles and you’re a small business owner.
Jim: I think there’s a generational difference on my side; younger 49er fans, the ones who now are the dominant online voices (I’ve been passed by – sunrise, sunset…sunrise, sunset) are really embracing the dislike of the whole Seahawk culture, from the New Age-y Carroll stuff to the PED suspensions that keep occurring without any sort of accountability required by NFL media, to the fans who embrace their “hey guys, we’re the 12th man, we matter” role in a way that would cause a mother with twins both starting on the 8th grade basketball team to be a little embarrassed at their earnestness. Fans of my age have been around this block a couple of times and aren’t quite as swayed by the politics of the moment, so it’s more amusing for us. Except for Richard Sherman. Fuck that guy.
Kirk: Fuck Ri….? Okay, you of all people should…no, I get it. Know why I get it? Because I used to hate Deion Sanders. Cocky sumbitch playing for teams I couldn’t stand. But you can’t hate Deion Sanders because of the Madonna Scale. I’ll assume you’ve explained the Madonna Scale to your readers (perhaps as the Hiner Scale), so I’ll leave it at that, except to say you can’t say “Fuck that guy” when speaking of Richard Sherman without breaking multiple laws of nature and physics.
I honestly can’t remember the day the 12th Man myth…oh, sorry Texas…12 Man mythology exploded. Was it when we beat the Giants in ‘05 thanks to Feely’s flubbed field goals and the 11 false start penalties? Either way, you have to give that to us…it’s all we have. As of press time, it’s all we have.
Jim: So, is there a result this weekend that sticks in our friendship – what’s the scenario that gets you the most pissed off at me?
Kirk: At you? I suppose if you crash your car into Wilson’s limo or hire hookers to distract Lynch, I’d be pretty pissed. But listen, I watched Super Bowl XL with a Steelers fan. We still talk. The conversations are strained, yes, and usually end with one of us mumbling “cocksucker” under our breath, but we still talk nonetheless.
If we were watching the game together, that could get hairy—as hairy as an afternoon is likely to get between two men in their 40s who aren’t likely to take off their shirts in each other’s company again. But when the game is over and we’ve had our two required hours to calm down (you still need two hours? I still need two hours), all will be well.
Unless, of course, you win and you gloat about it. I don’t put up with gloating from fans. Likewise, I won’t wear my U Mad Bro? shirt next time we see each other if I win, largely because I don’t have such a shirt. I do, however, have an Intellivision shirt.
Jim: I almost want to say I’ll throw this one to you; with those two recent World Series wins – like Nathan Arizona, maybe I’ve got more than I can handle. I’m not saying that – it’s almost 20 years since my last Super Bowl and even though I was close the last two years, that doesn’t mean that another championship is right around the corner. It’s entirely possible this current Niner team never wins it – so you need to take every chance you get. But if i’ts not me I hope its you. But not Richard Sherman. Fuck that guy.
Kirk: Fuck Ri….? Okay, you of all people should…no, see, we’re on the same page with the winner of this game. I mean, I appreciate you throwing it to me, because it’s been a long painful journey from 1983 to 2013. When you factor that my other team in that only other sport I watch has never won a thing either, it’s a hard road to travel. I can’t imagine a fan of San Francisco sports being able to fully appreciate that. Even the kids. They still ask us how many rings we Seahawks fans have even though they probably can’t tell me who the 49ers were playing when they won theirs.
But if my Seahawks don’t get it this year, I want it to be you, just like I wanted it to be you last year. You may have more than you can handle, but if I steal one of them away from you, I imagine it won’t be long before I’m handing it back over, anyway.
Jim: Predictions and plugs. Niners 23-21; I think we’ve got something for you. That’s a little wishcasting given the metrics, but I see some good push by the offensive line for Gore, a couple of big Kaepernick plays, and a late score that gets us into the Super Bowl. For people who are inclined, I can be followed on twitter @jimjividen, read a couple of places occasionally, and you could enroll at a university which signs my checks and take one of my many virtual classes. I’m livin’ on the air in Cincinnati.
Kirk: I think Wilson finally gets it back in gear next week, and our defense continues to dominate. We win maybe 30 to 17. Game’s closer than that…say we get a late pick six to ice it. But look, no matter how it goes, the two best teams in the NFC are playing for the title, both hailing from the mighty NFC West. One of us is winning the Super Bowl. After that happens, I’ll quit talking about the Seahawks for a little bit and go back to talking about Apple products at www.appletell.com and how much I hate folk rock on Twitter @kirkhiner.
Jim: Hey, good luck next week. Order some Papa John’s for me. See that latest commercial? That dude’s plastic surgery ain’t gonna pay for itself.
Kirk: You too….but I won’t be eating. I’ll be pacing. And swearing. And apologizing to the kids. At least the boy will understand.
Photo–Flickr/