A special guest column by Boogie Crackerjack
I hear ya, girlfriend. It’s tough bein’ a gal. Folks tell ya that ya cain’t do stuff jes’ ‘cause you got ladyparts. That jes’ don’t make no kinda sense. I mean, yer brain ain’t housed in yer ladyparts. Anyone with a basic globe can figure that out.
But I’m here to tell ya – you can get through life with a little secret ingredient called moxie. How do I know that? (chuckles) ‘Cause I’m Boogie Crackerjack, born in the sticks with nothin’ but moxie. Today I’m a big country star! Yeah, you know! You’ve seen my videos – the one where I’m all kitted out in a George Washington wig, playin’ a judge for my song “Guilty of Love (In the First Degree).” I’m also the sassy, no-nonsense, country-wisdom-spoutin’ star of “Aw Shucks, Y’all!” Wanna hear me say it? Wanna hear me say my trademark (patented – don’t use it or I’ll sue ya… I ain’t kiddin’, y’all) phrase? (chuckles) Well shoot, I cain’t turn down a request from fans. OK, OK. Here goes: “Aw shucks, y’all!”
So here’s how to get through life with the magical ingredient I call “moxie.” … OK, I ain’t the only one to call it that. That’s jes’ what it’s called! (chuckles)
Step 1: Go to the nearest woods. No, this ain’t some New Age mumbo-jumbo, where I tell ya to find inner peace and serenity before ya can face the world an’ show it who’s boss. I’m serious, y’all! Go to the woods! … Why are ya still sittin’ at yer computer? … Oh, you happen to reside in a metropolitan area and there’s wifi in the woods. OK. OK then.
Step 2: Walk up to that funny-lookin’ tree. Yeah, that one that looks like a grizzled old granny. Go to the grizzled-granny tree. There shall you find “moxie.”
Step 3: Root around in the dirt to the right of the tree. I mean, wait – silly me! First face West and *then* face the tree square-on. OK. OK, now root around in the dirt right there. I forgot to tell you to bring a little trowel or shovel or somethin’ for rootin’ around. Oh well; you’ll jes’ have to use your bare hands! (chuckles)
Step 4: See that right there? That little baggie? It’s full’a *moxie*! Yeeeehaw!
Step 5: I forgot to tell ya that moxie is another word for cocaine.
Step 6: Now, take that bag’a moxie and use it well!
See? Now ain’t that the kinda no-nonsense, spare-me-the-bullshit kinda advice ya come to ol’ Boogie for?