HEY BRO! Just thought I’d put in my “2 CENTS” on this big “Herc” Broadsides scandal everybody is talking about right now.
Okay, first off, let me say: STATE UNIVERSITY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO GANG GREEN!!!!!!!!!
Now that I’ve got ur attention, let me talk about some serious $hit here.
#1: What it means to be a SUC fan/alum/student. This one will be hard for you to understand, especially if you’re one of those “DUMBA$$ES” at the School of Knowledge. Look, nerds, we can’t help it if our TUESDAY NIGHTS ARE LIKE UR FRIDAY NIGHTS. So what if some of you go out and get all frosty on “THIRSTY THURSDAY”—my boys and I are basically drunk every waking minute of our lives. That is 7ucking hardcore, not that you’d know anything about it.
Anyway, since all of the other schools—especially that “POS” School of Knowledge—are just rotten dumps where no one gets “annihilated” from a downing a jeroboam of 151 or “hummered” by hottie coeds as often as we do here at SUC, IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE THAT THE LAME-A$$ “PEEPS” AT THOSE PLACES JUST DON’T GET IT.
Man, can I talk for a minute about Coach Broadsides? Well, since this is my post that is “exactly” what I’m going to do. #1: HE IS A GR8 MAN. #2: HE BUILT THIS TEAM FROM THE GROUND UP AND ALSO LITERALLY BUILT THE GROUND UNDER THEIR FEET, ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT THAT HE BUILT THIS STADIUM WITH HIS BARE 7UCKING HANDS 59 YEARS AGO, USING NOTHING BUT A BUCKET OF NAILS AND HIS FAITH IN GOD (#1 ALL-TIME, MAY HE RIP!). #3: I BELIEVE ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION—MAYBE “READ” IT SOMETIME, THAT IS IF YOU SCHOOL OF KNOWLEDGE 7UCKS CAN “READ”—THAT ANYONE IN AMERICA IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN TO BE GUILTY. THIRD FIRST AMENDMENT PEOPLE????
In other words, you can’t think of SUC without using the “C” that is in “HERC!” NO $$$$HIITTT!
Now right now I think it is fair to say that I have been crying for 48 straight hours. Our team is 9-0-1, and we are so 7ucking close to the Tangerine Bowl that I have blue balls. SO WHY WOULD YOU [email protected] FIRE THE COACH WHEN YOU HAVE A SEASON ON THE LINE?? Other than this time when I totally 7ucked the waiver wire situation on my “fantasy team” and wound up with no QB1 and like 500 RB2s, this is the worst day of my entire life, ever, times infinity plus one.
When I came to SUC exactly one year ago, I was already “BLEEDING GREEN.” That’s we what do here,
FYE FYI. We aren’t a bunch of fair-weather fans who jump the ship as soon as the team has had nine str8 losing seasons. NO 7’N WAY! I mean, sure, all the campus buildings here in this town were built in that cheap-@$$ 1970s “international style” but who the 7UCK came here to learn? Our Golden Horseshoe Lubricated Condoms™ Memorial Stadium has 138,000 seats and every Sat. EACH ONE IS “PACKED” w/ a nice [email protected] alum a$$! That is called team spirit in case you’re asking, School of Knowledge people! Or wouldn’t you know that because ur 2 busy goofing off in the “BIG CITY?””””
Needless to say, the big problem here is that the “un”-trustees didn’t realize how UPSET PISSED 0FF!!! this would make me, on account of our situation with the Tangerine Bowl. What the 7UCK am I going to do next week? JUST SIT AROUND “BEATIN” MY MEAT & playing Madden & watching Veronica Mars
watching pro wrestling watching UFC? This is a school where we “BLEED GREEN” and as I wrote earlier, there is just no fairness here. Not for me, not for “HERC.” This brings me to
#2: The “EYEBALL” test. Here’s one I may have heard about in that INTRO TO CRIM JUSTICE lecture course I was enrolled in for two weeks my first semester (dropped it cause of the 5-page paper LOL, now look at this “Harry Potter” of a story I’m writing LMFAO). So here is the test: Were you in the room with Assistant Coach Beans when he did all that nasty $hit he’s alleged to have done? Did he do any of this 2 U (as Usher would say)? NO??? THEN GET A 7UCKING LIFE HATERZZZ!!!
If it doesn’t pass your eyeball test, it “AIN’T” true (4 reallys, I mean it). Now my own eyeball test of Coach Beans went like this—My dad “BIG JIM” (that’s why they call me LJ lol, cause I’m LITTLE “JIM”) and I went to a $hitload of SUC games when I was a kid (part of the reason I have been “BLEEDING GREEN” since day 1!), and I remember Coach Beans. First off, he was a great Defensive Back (DB) for the 197X “title team” (still undefeated in our hearts! go GANG GREEN!!!). Seven picks including a pick-6 in the WISTERIA BOWL. Now does that sound like the kind of great stuff that some rotten old pervert would B doing? NO WAY JOSÉ CAN U C BY THE DAWN’S EARLY LIGHT!!
Next, he started coaching the D-FENCE!!! for our Gang Green boys in 198X and I remember that he was about as “STR8-ACTING” (so STR8 he’s STR9) and “ALL MAN” as any1 I had ever seen b4 in my entire life. My dad “BIG JIM” and I would ride home in “BIG JIM’S” F-250 and talk about the games, saying stuff like, “HOW ABOUT THAT D-FENCE 2DAY, SON? THEY HAVE ONE HELL OF A ‘STR8-ACTING’ COACH IN THERE, 4 SHO!” “YEP
DAD ‘BIG JIM,’ HE IS ALL MAN.” And in case you’re wondering, yes, we would say it in a way that made it clear that those words were being underlined.
#3: All Right, time is sorta running out and I think I have some B$ cl@$$ right now. What I want to say, as a true LOVR and #1+1 “fan” of State University of College (GO GANG GREEN!) is that all of this $hit, when you take it into your heart and hold it the way Coach Beans was alleged to have held those babies the way you would expect a “Reverend” to hold the CHRIST CHILD, cannot possibly be true. The only thing that is true right now, in the midst of so much media B$ and outright “LIES” by our INjustice system, is that we are 9-0-1 and the Tangerine Bowl is close enough that we can already taste its sweet citrus juices on our lips.
PEACEEEEE OUT!!!!! GO GANG GREEN!!!!
We will fight fight fight
For what is right right right
With all our might might might
And if it takes all night night night
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Livin’ On a Prayer (Our) Alma Mater”