Hello, Mom and Dad! I’m really glad to be home for the holidays. Yes, okay, I know I live here, but still–this is a time of the year where it’s super important that families come together. That’s why I want to introduce you to Kim Kardashian, my new girlfriend.
Now stop right there. I know what you’re going to say. Before you do, let me clue you in on a little something: She’s very self-conscious about her big apple bottom. Please don’t mention her apple bottom.
Yeah, and you probably shouldn’t bring up her Adam’s apple, either. She usually wears a scarf around her neck to hide it–but not today for some reason. Oh well. Who can understand how the stars think? They’re so different from us peons, after all.
She does look a lot bigger than on TV, that’s true. It’s weird how that works. See, the camera doesn’t add any pounds for Persians or Armenians or whatever she is…what are you, baby?
As I was saying, Kardashians are a lot smaller on camera. Even their apple bottoms. Oops, sorry baby! No, I think your apple bottom is beautiful. It’s perfect. So nice and square and muscular. Her shoulders? Hmm, I guess her shoulders are a lot broader, too. Kind of like a hella cute NFL linebacker, know what I mean? But what are you standing there for, guys? Shake her hand!
I saw you wince, Dad! Isn’t that a firm grip? With a lot of girls nowadays, you go to shake their hand and it’s like shaking a limp noodle. Not with my Kim. It’s clear that all those sessions with her personal trainer are paying off.
I hear you. She’s been meaning to get electrolysis done on her lower lip. Again, it’s that crazy Kardashian ethnicity of hers. They’re a very hairy and broad-shouldered people, the Kardashians.
Dad, I’m going to have to cut you off. I don’t want to get sidetracked by talking about how I’m late with the rent again. What I need from you right now are a couple of those Cialis tablets you take on the one day of the month when you and Mom lock the bedroom door and turn up the volume on the TV. Fifteen or twenty should do the trick.
What do I need them for? Mom, don’t you read People or In Touch? Kim here is famous for making sex tapes. She made one with that hip-hop running back Reggie Bush, and another one with…was it Usher? Fiddy Cent? Puffdaddio? All of them at once, maybe. A great big orgy set to some very phat beats. Anyway, my Kim is no stranger to pounding town and I want to have a nice pup tent going before we start getting our groove on.
Mom, I’d love to help with the tannenbaum-trimming and whatnot, but I’ve got a feeling I’ll be pretty busy for the foreseeable future. See this pack of condoms? There’s 12 in here, and I intend to work my way through all of them. Considering that I sometimes use the same condom six or seven times in a row, we’re looking at a few days, maybe even a week.
Huh? What the eff are you talking about, Dad? If Kim hadn’t just gotten totally smash-faced and numb-lipped after smoking a couple rocks of heavily adulterated crack cocaine out in your Subaru Forester, she’d be horribly offended. That big bulge you’re talking about is nothing more than her camel-toe. Granted, it’s way more impressive than Mom’s, but it’s still the sort of thing I’d expect you to know your way around, if you get my drift.
Guys, I realize that’s just the jealousy talking. You’ve never wanted to see me happy. Remember when I was so proud about that webcam show I was hosting on Brazzers.com, how I was making so much money that pretty soon I might have even be able to afford an Xbox 360 and whatever version of Madden was out that year? Then you had to go and call the police. And why, I ask? Because I was fourteen years old? Because you’re horrible, spiteful parents?
It never changes. I meet a beautiful woman–a star, even–and you start with the naysaying. Yes, I’m sorry she just puked on your shag carpeting. Go hard or go home: that’s how they do it in Hollywood. And no, she’s not dead. She slumped against that wall to catch up on her sleep. Power napping. All of the big-timers, from Brangelina to Ellen, take them. What? How the eff could I pay for a new carpet? Remember that Brazzers job, Dad? It might have ended five years ago, but this economy’s brutal. Nobody my age is working anywhere, at least not as far as I can tell from the hours of Facebook stalking I’ve been doing.
Alright, alright, whatever. I promise I’ll clean it up later. Now could you please help me drag the unconscious love of my life up to your bedroom? I want to use the water bed. It’s a lot classier, and besides, my little brother is probably already asleep on his side of our futon.