Here’s my big chance to get back in the good graces of the people who matter: the kids, the hipsters, the scenesters, the gutterpunks. What could be more hip, now, or “with it” than a Super Bowl halftime show, right? Subversive. Underground. These things have launched careers. The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty, “the Boss,” the Who, the Black Eyed Peas–can you think of a single young artist who isn’t one of these people? I know I can’t, and I’m not just an out-of-touch 60-year-old woman with the body of a 60-year-old woman who has .3% body fat–I’m also an out-of-touch 60-year-old woman with the body of a grotesque, skeletal caricature of the person I once was. I mean, remember when I played Breathless Mahoney in Warren Beatty’s 1990 Dick Tracy adaptation? I looked vaguely like Marilyn Monroe back then, or at least more like her than I do now. Hell, Vince Wilfork looks more like Marilyn Monroe than I do. He’s certainly got fuller hips, lips, and thighs. Oh, and while you’re reminiscing, do you recall when people used to think that Cyndi Lauper was a bigger deal than me? Ha ha ha, I showed her a thing or two. Sure, she got to wrestle “Rowdy” Roddy Piper alongside her MTV dad “Captain” Lou Albano, but I wound up marrying some random fitness trainer as well as the guy who directed Snatch. Take that, you rotten bitch! Who’s laughing now? Hey, that makes me think of the movie Look Who’s Talking Too. I could’ve been in there, you know, except Steven Meisel and I were busy making my super-provocative book Sex and the role went to that fat ho-bag Kirstie Alley instead. Goes to show you, huh? Not that either of those things holds up, to be perfectly honest. I’ve watched better baby sloth movies on CollegeHumor.com, and my book has since been surpassed by the hardcore pornography available on Xtube, Redtube, and all those narcissistic chubby emo girl photo-blogs on tumblr. But the comeback starts today. When I hit the high notes on my beloved singles “Ray of Light” and “Believe,” the clock will be magically turned back to 1994 and my life won’t be as terrible as it is right now. At least that’s what my personal Kabbalist says, anyway.
About Oliver Lee Bateman
Good Men Project contributing editor Oliver Lee Bateman is a columnist for Al-Jazeera America and Made Man Magazine. His writing has been featured in Salon, The Atlantic, Johnny America, Stymie: A Journal of Sport and Literature, the U.S. Intellectual History Blog, STIR Journal, Mic.com, and NAP Magazine. He is also one of the founders of the Moustache Club of America and Penny & Farthing, two blogzines specializing in flash fiction and creative nonfiction that he co-curates with web developer Erik Hinton, medical consultant Nathan Zimmerman, and freelance writers Christie Chapman and J. R. Powell. Oliver is a lawyer as well as an assistant professor at the University of Texas at Arlington. Follow him on Twitter @MoustacheClubUS or on Google+.