Tired of all those fantastic, impossible-to-implement roleplaying scenarios? Bridget Callahan has some more realistic ideas for spicing up your sex life.
1) Let’s pretend I’m in love with someone else, and want nothing to do with you in the morning because I hate myself for being rejected, and I just want to be fucked into mute comatose exhausted silence by someone who only sees me as an object. Let’s pretend you paid for my drinks, and I drank a lot. Later, I will tell the boy I have a crush on about you, not the one I’m in love with but someone else, to make it clear I’m easy.
2) Let’s pretend I’m old enough to be your dad, and you have issues with all male authority figures in your life, and I really don’t want to talk to you about what you’re into because I think you’re pretty immature and foolish and would really prefer that you don’t talk at all but just be exuberantly grateful for the attention. Later you can use me as a story to turn on your much more age-appropriate boyfriend.
3) Let’s pretend I’m a nurse and you’re a patient. You are lying in the hospital sick and weak and sort of disgusting looking, and have some kind of painkiller-induced crush on me, but really I’m just going to get drunk with my girlfriends later and talk about how gross and weird your head wound is.
4) Let’s pretend we’re online, and in two different cities, and it’s 3 a.m. and we’re both mildly drunk and bored with looking at facebook, so we exchange lame generic quips about dicks and boobs, and then maybe if this happens a lot we can pretend we have crushes on each other even though you have a girlfriend and I think your updates are inarticulate and lame. Later, when I’ve ignored you on chat a few times, you can start “liking” everything I post but never commenting, because you want to get my attention, yet aren’t smart enough to think of something good to say.
5) Let’s pretend we met at a party and talked about the fleeting historical era of nuclear power, which will someday be a footnote in our history books of when we stupidly used poison as an alternate energy source, wised up to how expensive and not worth it the whole thing was about a 100 years later, only the footprints of the damage will remain for centuries to remind us how dumb we once were. Let’s pretend I gave you my number afterwards, but I was drunk and not that cute, so you never called.
6) Let’s pretend we only really want to fuck because I used to go out with your best friend, who you have always had a massive inferiority complex towards (or maybe you just want to know how all those particular sounds happened late at night when he and I were in the bedroom together) and we will hook up because you are selfish and I am bitter and turned on by betraying people horribly. Then afterwards we can amuse ourselves by pretending to feel guilty.
7) Let’s pretend you like to think of yourself as a the main character in Bonfire of the Vanities, rich and handsome and with a genetic imperative to fuck everyone and spread your perfect seed around. And since I have a Tom Wolfe complex and like having guys spend money on me, I’ll just go along with it, even though you insufferably won’t stop talking about yourself, and yes I saw you swallow that pill right before dinner, and I know it’s either heart medication or viagra but either way hanging out with you makes me feel young and like maybe my life isn’t on the worst kind of path because at least I can pretend to be superior to you because I’m artsy and not cheating on my wife. You will have to wear a suit all the time, because the minute I see you in a polo shirt it will create a false sense of intimacy.
8) Let’s pretend I think your band is good, even though you are spectacularly mediocre, and you can pretend to read my blog, even though you only did once. We won’t sleep together, we’ll just hang out a lot in some sort of maybe we’re flirting, maybe we’re not ego-feeding haze, until we make out one night in the car and it gets awkward and we stop texting each other 15 times a day and maybe start hanging out with some other people.
9) Let’s pretend we really honestly like each other, but have no idea how to get a functional relationship started, because we both just usually go along with whoever is persistent enough.
10) Let’s pretend we’re both actually on OKCupid to just make friends.
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