In her latest tongue-in-cheek post, Bridget Callahan offers a list of reasons for shooting down potential OkCupid suitors.
Mentions morals he inherited from his grandfather in first five sentences: Even if your grandfather is dead, it is still very unsexy to mention that basically you don’t believe in women’s rights and think that Russia is planning the downfall of the American empire. Everyone knows it’s China.
Three references to finding an “*HONEST*” woman in the same profile: There can be two interpretations of this. Either you always hook up with women who lie and cheat, which means you probably lie and cheat yourself, or you’ve convinced yourself that every woman who ever dumped or rejected you had alternate motivations besides the fact that they just didn’t like you.
Lists NCIS as a favorite TV show: Yes, I have been sucked into Mark Harmon marathons too. But think about what stating that a Navy cop show that regularly features the Coast Guard intercepting terrorists is your FAVORITE show says about you. Moreover, real goths don’t dress like that at work. They also don’t pass government background checks.
“I have a 1-year-old daughter and an open marriage”: Asshole.
All his profile photos are with other women: Now, I think having some photos with other people is a good thing. After all, it’s evidence that you sometimes leave your house. But you know what I’ve learned from your ten photos at bars with blonde girls in halter tops? That you prefer blondes in halter tops. So actually maybe that was your point? If so, well done.
Staind. Is mentioned. At all.: Except in the context of “I would rather have my dick cut off than listen to Stained, and yes I know that’s not how it’s spelled, but I have too much respect for the English language to go along with this travesty.”
Any innuendo pertaining to his skill at cunnilingus: It is much appreciated when guys are good at giving head. But we’re not guys, and we’re not just going to hook up with the girl at the bar who proclaims her blowjob skills loudest. And we’re going to think you are trashy, and the mental image of your skater cut in between our legs is sort of ridiculous and pathetic. No one is ever going to get head from you and suddenly realize you’re a real person and they want to get to know you and maybe love you. Girls learn this in high school. Catch up.
Wearing a hood in profile photo: Yeah, you look hardcore dude. I certainly have no qualms about getting into a car with you, and I don’t think you live with your parents at all. Not even a little.
Background of profile photo is obviously a condo bathroom: You couldn’t take ten minutes to try and position your chest so I couldn’t see your Suave and dirty towel hanging behind you?
Prefers cats over dogs: What kind of soulless freak believes this?
Thinks astrology signs are “fun to talk about”: Translation – believes in ghosts.
Mentions divorce in self-summary, along with love of jetskis: Wrinkled balls, probably. Also loves scotch and crying after sex.
Thinks air is essential item he could not live without: Have some imagination, broham.
“I’m a nice guy who’s been treated badly, but I’m a survivor”: This guy is so obviously a serial killer, I’m actually scared of the fictional him I’m picturing in my head right now. This guy is the reason there are whole books devoted to teaching girls after a breakup that just because he called you crazy doesn’t mean you were.
Prefers to stay home with Netflix, and acts like this is a virtue: This is exactly why you don’t have a girlfriend.
The word “relationship”: Go hire a marriage matchmaker. I think they call it “paying for Match.com”.
Lists his skills as cooking and sarcasm: Congratulations, you are a super trendy ass who had no life before he got Instagram and the Internet.
Responds to my one-sentence intro email with a request to phone sex chat: This isn’t Craigslist. Also be aware I will be writing a caption on that picture of your dick, and it will probably make a joke about how it looks like a single serving of Napoleon ice cream.
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