Not funny ha-ha
The clown chose me because my family was in the front row. He honked his obnoxious horn and stuck a suspicious-looking flower in my face. It squirted water, and the audience laughed at my humiliation and I cried for the darkness of the human soul.
The baby was crying because a goddamn diaper pin was sticking into her leg. But the adults were too self-absorbed to realize that, so they all just circled around and leaned in and tickled the baby’s neck and cooed nonsense at her. And when the baby cried harder, the dumbass grown-ups laughed even more. Man, sometimes it sucks being a baby.
That funny part of the funeral scene in “Steel Magnolias”
“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion,” Dolly Parton says in that hilarious part of the funeral scene in “Steel Magnolias.” My wife loves that movie. I wondered if maybe that would be *her* favorite emotion, too. So one night I said to her: “I don’t love you anymore.” She looked at me for a long time, and at first I was worried it wasn’t going to work. But then she started crying, and I laughed and said, “Sike! Ha ha!” And it worked! She laughed through her tears and playfully swatted my arm. “Oh, you! You are such a card. What am I going to do with you?” But she got sick and died a year later, and I didn’t feel like laughing at her funeral, not even to check and see if it was my favorite emotion.
After he dumped me, I would go out and drink screwdrivers and have sex with strangers on an alarmingly regular basis. One night I came home and puked into the toilet. I gripped the cold porcelain, trying to catch my breath, my glitter make-up mixing with my tears in little rivulets down my cheeks. I know this is going to sound gross, or possibly like a lie, but I cried so hard that an undigested corn niblet came out of my nose. When I felt it happening, I stood up on my shaky legs and rhinestone-encrusted stiletto heels and peered into the medicine-cabinet mirror at my sparkly sad face. I snorted the corn niblet fully out of my nose and into my hand and thought about how I didn’t even think that was scientifically possible. Maybe it isn’t scientifically possible — maybe it’s a miracle, like when the Virgin Mary’s image appears on a grilled-cheese sandwich that someone puts up for sale on eBay. I thought about selling the puked-out-my-nose corn niblet on eBay, and then my too-practical mind started wondering what sort of shipping rate to charge for such a thing, and then I looked in the mirror and laughed, because for the moment I had forgotten about him.