Like most teenage girls in our capacious land, Pillowface Jones assumed that she would become a celebrity, marry England’s beloved Prince William, and live happily ever after inside a fairy-tale castle. Unlike these other teenagers, Pillowface Jones had a severe, unique, and utterly inexplicable disability: She had a pillow for a face.
This pillowface didn’t make things easy for her at the junior high school, oh no. The girls ridiculed her and the boys wouldn’t go near her. Her social life consisted of sitting in her bedroom and weeping.
Fortunately for her, she didn’t have to cry into a pillow—her face was the pillow, and all of her tears were shed on the inside.
One night, after enduring an especially harsh round of peer-on-peer bullying, she decided to pray to Santa for a new face.
“If I had a new face, everyone in the world would love me,” she whispered to her collection of stuffed animals. “It would be so much more fun, not having a pillow for a face. I’d finally get to do what I’ve always wanted to do, and there’s so much of that.”
Wasn’t this a wonderful Christmas wish? Wouldn’t it be splendid—“outta sight,” even—if Santa greased up his red velvet shin guards, shimmied down her parents’ chimney, and switched her ugly pillow of a face for one that looked more like the face of country-and-western sexpot Boogie Crackerjack? After a lifetime of pointless suffering, didn’t she deserve such a miracle?
Each night for twelve days, she repeated the prayer. Confident that things were soon going to improve, she stayed on her best behavior.
On Christmas Eve, she set out a plate of cookies and milk, then kissed her parents good night—or whatever someone without lips does to simulate the act of giving a kiss—and hurried up to her room. Although it was only five p.m., Pillowface reasoned that it was by no means too early to get a head start on the rest of her life.
Well, Christmas Day rolled around and Pillowface Jones awoke to discover that she still had a pillow for a face. She went downstairs and opened her presents, one of which was a new Christmas pillowcase for her head.
What the hell was she thinking?