To My Wife launched in December. It’s like a Ryan Gosling “Hey girl” image, filled with a bunch of sentimental notes from an unmarried guy writing to his future wife. Readers are encouraged—nay, required—to peruse the site in a candlelit room with incense burning and violins playing in the background.
Luckily for all of us, someone has created To My Husband. It’s the snarky, dirty, irreverent counterpart to To My Wife. The tagline says “Notes for My Future Husband. Things You’ll Do, Things You Won’t. Either Way, You Won’t Be This Guy,” linking to the original.
So what better way to solve this spat than to pit the two Tumblelogs against each other in a six-round bout for the title of Best To-My-Future-Spouse Blog? Here we go.
Round One: On Weddings
- To My Wife: “[Our wedding] will be a tasteful affair, the kind of wedding people will remember in the best way.”
- To My Husband: “Relax. I’m one of the cool ones. I don’t give a shit about the wedding. I’d rather just throw a massive party where all of our friends and family can get hammered for free.”
Score: TMH 1, TMW 0.
ROUND Two: On Technology
- To My Wife: “I will not turn you into a robot, please do me the same courtesy.”
- To My Husband: “No one will ever read about our ‘charming’ trip to ‘the most darling’ apple orchard over the weekend, or the ‘lovely [thing]’ you gave me for my birthday in their newsfeeds because my media’s for poop jokes and Rihanna quotes till death do my laptop and I [sic] part.”
Score: TMH 2, TMW 0.
Round Three: On Food
- To My Wife: “French toast? Yah, that’s what I thought. Nom Nom Nom.”
- To My Husband: “If we have ham and you leave less than three slices in the package, you should just stab me in my sleep. What am I supposed to do with less than three pieces of ham? Dry my tears?”
Score: As much as we love to say “nom nom nom,” it’s TMH 3, TMW 0.
Round Four: On Jewelry
- To My Husband: “There is not a holiday where this is going to be appropriate. I know you’re in this for the long haul, so you won’t try to pull any Kay Jewelers–status crap with me at the beginning—but if we’re 90 and you’re trying to figure out how to make some random anniversary special, just write me a funny bullet list. I’ll laugh till I shit my pants and then I’ll let you watch while the hospice nurse changes me.”
- To My Wife: “I will not be going to Jared, you’re welcome.”
Score: TMH 3, TMW 1.
Round Five: On Dogs
- To My Wife: “I’m a dog person and so are your [sic], let’s get bulldogs.”
- To My Husband: “I promise to shave my legs regularly if you promise to keep the fucking dog off of our bed. Sacred spaces.”
Score: TMH 4, TMW 1.
Round Six: On Toilets
- To My Wife: “I’ll do my best to put the seat down. I promise.”
- To My Husband: “Go drop a deuce in the guest room. I’m putting on my make-up in here.”
Winner: To My Husband, 5-1. That wasn’t close. I almost stopped the fight in the third round, but TMW insisted he wasn’t done. Let this be a challenge, sir. The cheese has worn thin.