Trigger warning for rape.
Amber Cole is a fourteen-year-old girl. She performed oral sex on one boy while a second filmed her. There is some suggestion (for instance, by her father) that she might have been coerced; the boys responsible have been arrested. The video surfaced on YouTube, Twitter and Facebook, where she was widely mocked, thus proving that a large percentage of humanity is clinically lacking in anything that might approach a soul.
Amber Cole has become a litmus test for many people in the gendersphere. Some black feminists and womanists argue that the lack of coverage of Cole’s slut-shaming shows racism within the white feminist community. Other people are calling for honest discussions about sexuality within communities of color and with teenagers. Some person named Jimi Izrael is under the impression that the entire situation is all about Slutwalks, nice guys and fathers’ rights, which is Ahabing if I’ve ever seen it.
I’m thinking about the boys.
The Internet appears to be mostly under the impression that Amber Cole’s parents ought to have taught her better than to run about giving blowjobs. I can definitely see the argument that fourteen-year-olds should not be giving blowjobs, although I know some fourteen-year-olds who gave blowjobs and don’t seem any the worse for it; in general, fourteen-year-olds are not emotionally ready for sex to be a healthy choice for them. And that’s okay!
But none of these people seem willing to shame the boys. I mean, receiving a blowjob and giving a blowjob seem to be morally equivalent: if you’re disrespecting yourself by giving a blowjob, surely you’re disrespecting yourself by getting one? That’s not even getting into the whole “filming getting a blowjob from an underage person and putting it on the Internet” thing, which is, unlike receiving a blowjob, a felony. I do not think it is putting too much responsibility on parents to suggest that, in general, they should strive to teach their children not to commit felonies.
All this assumes that Amber wasn’t coerced. I must say, my mind blanks on how a parent can teach a child not to be coerced into sex, insofar as the whole not choosing it thing is a pretty integral part of being coerced. Do these people also comment on stories about children with cancer saying their parents should have taught them better than to get cancer? On the other hand, coercing people into sex, also known by a bunch of pedantic lawyers and no-fun feminists as “rape”, is definitely a choice that people can make, and it is, in fact, also a felony.
Why didn’t people shame the boys?
Some of it, of course, is the transactional model of sexuality. Men want sex and women want love; Amber should have respected herself and held out for a higher price, one that could only be paid once she was out of high school (a long-term committed relationship leading to marriage). The boys were victors in the sex war, since they not only got sex without commitment but showed off to everyone that they won.
But a lot of it is the misandry of low expectations.
Men are horny, cruel, rapacious beasts, whose cocks rampage the land like Godzilla, with women’s hearts and genitalia as Tokyo. It’s normal when a man doesn’t respect his partner, not even worth shaming him for; rather, one should shame the woman who allowed herself to be disrespected. A man will do anything for an orgasm; once he’s turned on, he just can’t stop himself. Men cannot control themselves. Men cannot know better. Men cannot make emotionally healthy choices. It is a woman’s responsibility to stop a man from having sex, because if she doesn’t, well, men are like Iran: ruled by nuts.
Ick. It creeps me out just to write that.
And when people are given low expectations, some of them– many of them– will live down to these expectations. Frankly, it is a testimony to the goodness of men in general that more of them aren’t rapists. The rape culture is doing its damndest to give them permission.
There will always be assholes in the world: male, female and other. Some of them will videotape their sex partners having sex and put it on the Internet. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put the blame squarely where it belongs– not on Amber Cole, but on the boys who abused her.
I suggest reading “Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex by Judith Levine.” The problem is not what these three teenagers did, the problem is the law (which means also the society) turning it into a crime based on a fundamentally effed up stance regarding sexuality. I am shocked anyone can write something like “I can definitely see the argument that fourteen-year-olds should not be giving blowjobs, although I know some fourteen-year-olds who gave blowjobs and don’t seem any the worse for it; in general, fourteen-year-olds are not emotionally ready for sex to be a healthy choice… Read more »
I don’t think those guys need shaming; 5 years or so in prison should be sufficient.
What the hell people… filming what happened and distributing it without her consent is sexual assault and people here are obsessing about whether or not the blowjob may have been coerced? It’s all about the fucking camera and distribution.
To not instantly back off and forget ever wanting ‘it,’ is to place your need over the woman’s.
The average rape culture feminist, like Holly for example is promoting Mary Dalys feminism. They don’t know that’s what they are doing. The radicals manipulate the younger idealists into supporting grotesque ideology. “Rape Culture” was first produced in 1975 and then revised in 1983. It helped to shape consciousness about sexism and violence against women. The term Rape Culture is defined for the first time and the film has played a major role in the emerging movement to combat violence against women. This documentary examines classic films, advertising, music and “adult entertainment,” and documents the insights of rape crisis workers… Read more »
Vejuz The mra position on rape is that the accused identity should be protected ’till found guilty and should be protected by the legal standard innocent until proven guilty. They are also very critical of socially constructed rape hysteria, the witch hunt environment and the emotional hyperbole. They also want to make it known that our impression of rape is an illusion created by the fact that feminism and traditionalism is only showing one side of the story and get equal recognition of female on male and male on male rape. Feminism is moving us towards a kangaroo court situation… Read more »
Apropos of Nothing, probably, but I still can’t get my head around the idea that only 2 rampant partners, joyfully embracing and tearing each other’s clothes off is the only true consent, and that anything else is terrible horrible rape and must be entirely stamped out. Or maybe this isn’t actually the case, and people can choose to say no when they mean yes, just to see where it goes, and they won’t actually end up being horribly affected by a penis/vagina. Hell if I know. All I know is, It can’t be a binary thing, surely to the high… Read more »
I don’t think your analogies apply all that well, I mean sexual things like “public blowjob” and “whip your dick out” actually reasonably relate to a relationship, unlike a job interview or toy sale.
@balcony:
If “c’mon pleeeeeeeeeeease” is ‘true coercion’, then one of two things must be true:
1) coercion isn’t a problem, so it’s generally no big deal to coerce others
or
2) coercion is a problem, so every police interrogation that ever resulted in a confession is a form of human rights abuse.
@Druk It’s all contingent on a lot of variables to be sure. No, I wouldn’t fault someone if I asked why they left a partner and they then answered, “They wouldn’t give head.” But if I’m begging someone for a job and my prospective employer tells me to blow them in public, then what happens next isn’t a legitimate business arrangement. If a store owner walks out of the front door on Christmas Eve to a crowd of people and says, “I’ve got four ‘Pickle Me Shlomo’s left. First four of you to whip your dicks out get to buy… Read more »
“Obviously if coercion was truly involved (beyond “c’mon pleeeeaaaseeee” of course”
Why do you not consider this true coercion?
@Ozzy, teens aren’t known for making smart decisions about anything really. Should we ban teenagers from buying a hamburger? In the long run, buying a McDonald’s hamburger is about as deleterious to one’s health as having a single consensual sexual encounter you afterwords would have preferred not to have. The assertion that 14 year olds are not emotionally ready for sex is… odd to me. Especially in the context of “14 year olds make stupid decisions.” Like, yes. They also make stupid decisions at school, with what to eat, their haircuts, etc. Know why people who *aren’t* teens tend to… Read more »
@Vejuz, I don’t think I agree that the MRM assumes guilt for accused female sex offenders, because they realize they would be called out on double standards on one of their major issues (false rape accusations) for doing so. You said you don’t have a good link prepared at the moment, but if you could dig up an example of MRAs (a post, not comments on a post; please) doing that, I’d like to see it. @Jay, I’m not comfortable calling it coercive/rape to state that certain sex acts must be engaged in for a relationship to continue, no matter… Read more »
Vejuz you make a good point about the lines in the sand (not quite as monolithically as you sound but I bet that’s not your intent). No, you’re right. The positions are not nearly as monolithic as that, but they make for some compelling trends in both spaces. It’s incredibly frustrating to watch; both because of the lines in the sand, but also the incredible lack of empathy (and sometimes, outright hostility) for “out group” people that linger in both movements. I’m tired of watching the MRM and feminism fight each other rather than trying to reform all of these… Read more »
debaser:
Around 15 or 16 or so I start to not care if boyfriend/girlfriend “sext” each other, or send a few naked pics back and forth. Of course your mileage may vary and we both agree that stuff like that should never be posted on the internet.
Sometimes I wonder if everyone having cameras all the time is a good thing. But when I see a cop overstepping their authority…I’ll take the good with the bad. I am a father. My children love the video camera on the phone and ipad. I’ve had to flat out tell them the type of things NOT to record. And, as a parent, I think it would help a lot of there were lessons on this in culture, like public service announcements and topics about it for kid shows, etc on how to use a camera appropriately. Spycams or sexual stuff… Read more »
@Clarence
I just find it interesting that pretty much all the speculation is about slut shaming, coercion, sexual assault. Why couldnt it just be teens being, well, you know, teens?
titfortat:
That’s par for the course whenever any sexual assault allegations are leveled by anyone at anyone. I suppose people just have to have their fun. Personally IF the only bad thing that happened was that one kid filming this then I’m sorry for all 4 kids though camera boy could probably use a spanking. EVERYTHING else is speculation at this point.
It seems many people are speculating about this event(as there is no actual proof yet). Any chance she willingly participated and later thought differently about her actions?
My skin crawls at these events. It just crawls. However, I am unclear on a point: Is this post wanting the boys to be shamed or only curious as to why they were not? The boys were arrested and Amber wasn’t (and since everything I can find on the subject says that she was filmed without her knowledge, then that’s exactly what should have happened.) That’s a bit more real than internet comments. At this point I see no misandry in the case itself, although if the boys are just fed to the industrial prison complex revenge factory and/or publicly… Read more »
“Her father said she was coerced. I’d say that’s a concrete reason to consider it a possibility.” It’s absolutely a reason to consider it a possibility, but not to the degree to which it has been considered. First, Amber Cole’s father isn’t Amber Cole. Second, Amber Cole’s father wasn’t there. Third, Amber Cole has a significant personal interest in presenting this encounter as coercive, due to the social forces at work condemning her. Still, I can’t get two paragraphs into an Amber Cole article, blog post, etc. without it immediately turning into “coercion”. This says a heck of a lot… Read more »
But likening them to the disabled in an attempt to discredit them instead of actually discrediting them is fine?
Vejuz you make a good point about the lines in the sand (not quite as monolithically as you sound but I bet that’s not your intent).
So the boys involved were arrested I understand. What are they being charged with (if that’s known at this time)?
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put the blame squarely where it belongs– not on Amber Cole, but on the boys who abused her. Do we know she was abused? No. Do we know that she was forced or coerced? No. So let us stop accusing the boys of rape and blaming the fictional “rape culture” until we actually have some proof they committed rape. While the video is technically illegal, that the people involved in this are children and probably not versed in child pornography laws should actually come into play. It will not, of course. Prosecutors have charged girls and… Read more »
Davenj: Her father said she was coerced. I’d say that’s a concrete reason to consider it a possibility. (I’d also consider “I gave a guy a blowjob and it’s on the Internet and now my dad knows about it!” a reasonable reason to lie about being coerced, which is why I said “may have been” rather than “was.”)
Other than that, I entirely agree with your post.
While we talk about shaming and expectations, I think it’s worth addressing the motivations for the behaviors of youths, rather than just what they do. Obviously if this sex act was coercive then it is wrong. However, the framing of this act as coercive, without any supporting evidence beyond speculation, feeds into the framework of slut-shaming and false accusations. Women can’t be “sluts”, and if they end up doing something considered “slutty” then it must have been partially coercive. “There’s simply no way a woman could enjoy sex while being observed by others, therefore it’s coercion,” is rooted in sex-negativity… Read more »
I really resent the game that feminists and MRAs play with rape accusations and convictions. It basically goes like this: If the accused is male, feminists will assume he is guilty and MRAs will assume he is innocent. If he’s convicted, the feminists win that round. If not, the MRAs win. (Presumably, there is some sort of point system involved, and maybe chances for bonus points.) If the accused is female, the feminists will assume she is innocent, and the MRAs will assume she is guilty. If she’s convicted, the MRAs win that round. If not, the feminists win. The… Read more »