Recently, the inimitable Captain Awkward provided advice to a gentleman who was flirted with somewhat avidly but didn’t end up having sex with the lady in question, and feels somewhat wrong about all of this. I’d just like to signal-boost this bit right here:
Fallacy #1: ”Young heterosexual dudes are up for sex all the time, and if a hot girl even smiles at them they are ready, willing, and able. If you’re not, something must be wrong with you. Are you sure you’re not gay, dude?”
Yeah, nothing is wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex with someone even if they maybe want to have sex with you. When you are young and not-so-experienced, it’s easy for every encounter or possible encounter to feel like a referendum on Masculinity or Prowess or Who You Are And Will Be Forever. When you are older and more experienced, you might still get that feeling sometimes and it’s usually a sign that something is off – when there is pressure to “perform” in a certain way everything is less fun for everyone. Relax. You’ll get a lot of chances at this.
Yep. There is no requirement to have sex.
Things that not having had sex in a while, or even ever, does not mean:
- You’re unattractive.
- You’re not masculine enough.
- No one wants to have sex with you.
- You’re a loser.
- You’re a failure.
- You’re going to be alone and sexless forever.
- You’re going to be alone and sexless next week.
Things that not having had sex in a while means:
- You haven’t had sex in a while, or even ever.
Look. Not having sex sucks. I get it. I’m going through a bit of semi-voluntary celibacy at the moment, and it’s getting so I want to fuck vegetables and/or inappropriate people and/or inappropriate vegetables. And even worse than the physical aspect is the psychological aspect. You don’t feel loved or wanted or desired. For men, in particular, a lot of being a Real Man is tied up in being able to get sex with hot ladies more-or-less on demand, and you feel like if you can’t do that you’re a failure.
But all of that crud… it’s your brain. It’s not objective reality. It is your mind telling you things that are probably not true.
There are lots of reasons why people don’t get laid much. A general dislike of leaving the house or meeting new people, prioritizing different things in their lives, not being willing to ask people out, only being attracted to a small percentage of people, and so on and so forth. You’ll notice that none of those reasons are “they are terrible, ugly people.” That’s because none of the people I have met who are incredibly unsuccessful at dating are terrible, ugly people. In fact, some of them are the kindest, smartest, most interesting, and prettiest people I’ve met.
And what if your celibacy is voluntary or semi-voluntary? Holy shit, man. Men are supposed to love casual sex! And if you have an opportunity for casual sex and you turn it down, because you don’t like casual sex or you weren’t really attracted to that lady or you just didn’t want to, it is time to REVOKE ALL THE MAN CARDS FOREVER. I have slept with quite a few dudes who didn’t actually like or want casual sex, but felt like they should.
That is not a good plan. Sex you don’t really want is sex you won’t really enjoy. “Well, at least I’ll lose my virginity/break my dry spell/get laid” is a terrible mindset to enter a sexual relationship with. I mean, it’s not going to ruin your sex life forever, but the chance is that you’re going to find it unsatisfying. “Holy shit! Sex! This is awesome!” is much better. And if you’re not ready for sex, or still not over your ex, or only desirous of sex in intimate relationships, or whatever, it is perfectly okay to say no. There will be other opportunities to have sex. I promise.
A final note: whenever I find people incessantly complaining about how little sex they’re having, my first impulse is to say “I can correct that problem!” I wish that were generally considered a polite reaction…
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153 Comments on "Can’t Get Laid"
Suicide?
My problem is not that I’m “not willing to ask people [women] out” – it’s that I cannot ask women out no matter what. I’m 38 and have never been able to force myself to ask a woman out – even though there have been lots that I’ve had huge crushes on and been ridiculously attracted to. Some of us are beyond hope – and involuntarily live our lives alone.
I am a 20 year old virgin, and a lot of what was said on here really speaks to me. It always feels like the girl or guy I try to get with is looking for more so I feel like I could completely mess it up. I always get the “thanks bud” response when I compliment some one while my friends (who are jerks) get laid every night. Its just all so daunting and quite frankly I dont even know where to begin.
Amen, brother.
Awesome website you have here but I was wanting
to know if you knew of any discussion boards that cover
the same topics discussed here? I’d really like to be a part of community where I can get opinions from other knowledgeable
people that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know.
Bless you!
I haven’t had sex in ages. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
So, we are stuck with porn for the rest of eternity until our species become extinct to the ‘users’ getting laid every chance they get all for the sake of a better more ‘money understanding’ way of lifestyle for ‘there’ future are we? THEN LET IT BE!
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Good points. I suspect the OP, whilst having a beach body, also ignored the guys being discussed here. I see this quite often, where a woman gets plenty of attention but then is dealt a major blow that affects her desirability. Welcome to the club…
Thank you, this was very beautiful and thoughtful. This “starvation” is what I see all the time, but I never knew how to describe it or what knew what truly influenced it. You’ve provided me a little more clarity, thank you for writing this.
Bravo. I am fortunate to live in a world with human beings such as yourself. I am too moved to stay in this mental spot. I must move on now. Thank you.
Bravo!
What a deep and profound understanding of the human condition.
Thank you so much.
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FWIW, I’m happy at this turn of events for you.
Calling prostitution spiritual suicide is degrading to sex workers and our clients. It might not be okay for you – it might be spiritual suicide for YOU individually – and that’s fine. But we deserve respect.
Your line of work feeds on vulnerable men, Don’t lecture me about respect especially when your selling false validation.
No no I think you have the emphasis wrong there. It’s fair to talk about men’s needs as a form of addiction perhaps but that metaphor doesn’t make sex workers into pushers because the need is there quite naturally. I mean what would you have women do? Doesn’t a sex worker have to make a living just the same as anyone else? Does a supermarket feed on our vulnerable need to eat food?
And if you don’t see men’s sexual needs as an unhealthy addiction I have no idea where you are coming from.
Having sex is terrific.
Not having sex when you don’t feel like to, is just as fine. 😎
@Ozy Frantz: “my first impulse is to say “I can correct that problem!” I wish that were generally considered a polite reaction… ”
Hooray to you!!!
This has crossed my mind as well Thomas. If you are concerned about sounding silly I had this thought come to me in a different manner. How about this,
It’s like the one who has “loved and lost” telling the one who has “never loved at all that love (or sex or dating) is that big of a deal.
Let me fix that.
“never loved at all“ that love (or sex or dating) is not that big of a deal.
I picture one person crawling through the barren desert sands, stumbling upon a cell phone, calling for help and being told “Just have a drink of water and calm down. Before I can send help I need to know the address you are calling from.”
Context always matters.
To a certain extent, I think that attitude is a result of non-frustrated people just not wanting to hear about other people’s frustrations, and saying things like that to just shut them up.
Well, replace “offers” with “opportunities” and with you… 😉
Thank you for this contribution. You’re the type of client I enjoy seeing. I’m only one sex worker, but it is enjoyable and fulfilling to work with someone who knows why he’s seeking my services and what he gets from it, isn’t ashamed of it, and values my work.
Most everyone has to work, but not many people have a job that actually makes a contribution like yours.
My experience is that therapy is useless. (This impression has been formed from my parents sending me to therapy because I didn’t do what people were demanding or expecting me to do. Such as get up earlier than I wanted to so I could get to school on time.)
Therapy can be effective and useful only when one decides HE wants to change.
Until that moment, no therapy, help or advice is going to do any good.
Nobody can change you (not even by force), until YOU decide to change.
And nobody changes for the sake of others; we only change when we have a strong enough personal motivation.
This dynamic is easily seen in Alcoholic Anonymous groups (or similar contexts).
Sometimes strong enough motivation comes from our wishes about others, though. I listen to a podcast in which one of the co-creators only stepped back from the brink of suicide because of his love for his daughter. Call that personal motivation if you like, but it’s motivation gained through devotion to another, and if that’s not changing for the sake of another I don’t know what is.