Trigger warning for description of abuse.
From Tumblr:
She complained that I had upset her by wanting to talk when she had told me she didn’t want to talk. As I began to feel uncomfortable, I said, “You’re saying it’s my fault you can’t express your emotions responsibly like an adult?”
She said, “Yes!! It’s because you want to go off and take a vacation with your girlfriend!” Then she threw the contents of her glass in my face and smashed it against my bare chest…
I stood there, with shattered glass at my feet, glass shards sticking in my skin, bleeding, for five minutes or so. I asked her to move so that I could leave. She waved the broken stem of the glass in the air and said, “Leave!! Who’s stopping you?”
I told her she was standing between me and the door. I felt threatened.
She laughed and said, “You’re 6 foot 3 and 250 pounds! You can’t feel threatened by me!”
I said, “You just broke a glass on my chest and cut me. You’re standing there with the stem in your hands. Yes. I feel threatened.”
I think the most important aspect of this story is how it points out that the larger person is not necessarily the abuser. Just because a man might be tall and broad-shouldered does not mean that he cannot be physically threatened, and it certainly is no defense against emotional abuse. Anyone can be an abuse survivor.
In particular, I think there’s a sexist narrative in our society that when a woman hits a man, it’s a meaningless “girly slap” that isn’t actually threatening, while when a man hits a woman it’s abuse. This is sexist against both genders: men, of course, are having their physical abuse denied; women are denied the strength to cause pain and are patronized as being like little girls incapable of harm.
People should not hit other people without their consent, regardless of genitalia arrangement. Period.
Gaius: No worries, it was an excellent comment and it didn’t read as an apology for victim blaming at all. So you won’t get a shitstorm from me at least. say to themselves, “If it had been me, things would have turned out differently.” Call the latter “preemptive vicarious survivor’s guilt,” if you wish. Which interestingly enough is the most often offered explanation as to why female jurors are more likely to condemn the female victim behaviour and clothes and more likely vote not guilty than male jurors in a rape trial (with male deffendant and female victim). I agree… Read more »
@Debaser: I know you stated your intention not to reply to this thread again, and I don’t wish to be passive-aggressive. That said, your final reply (and Tamen’s) open(s) up a new avenue of approach to the subject. You asked: if “instigator” isn’t the correct word to describe someone who, in your words, is at least partially asking for trouble, what IS the correct word? I’ve mulled this over for many years now, and I’m not sure there IS a correct word. My reasoning is as follows: Regarding war, rape, and various other kinds of trauma, survivors often play the… Read more »
I have to say that when I called the Montgomery Co. (TX) cops during a domestic violence situation they were pretty cool with the idea that a guy could be attacked. My ex-gf had destroyed some of my property, hit me a few timesand spit on me. Sadly, I do have to admit that I did use a bit off grappling to get my cell phone away from her. I was so enraged and terrified that I couldn’t even remember my girlfriends address. I was calling on my cell and this was before 911 GPS. I started to say the… Read more »
Here’s a buffet to graze at for more on this subject:
http://www.batteredmen.com/index.htm
Some of the posts at this blog may help with understanding this situation:
http://www.shrink4men.com/
The first post in particular deals with the girlfriend business.
C’mon, Eagle, didn’t you know that saying “Honey, we ought to talk…” to a drunk woman is just asking to get a wine galss to the chest? /sarcasm n’ such
Debaser7: “So he certainly was ‘downstairs’ and certainly ‘approaching his wife’ with a talk she doesn’t want to engage in. While she was already ‘drinking’.
This will be my last post on this thread.”
No offence, Debaser7, but this you’re really reaching for straws here.
“Approaching his wife” while she was already “Drinking” is being an instigator now?
What planet have I landed on here?
So even if you’re very confident of victory, fighting off someone with a sharp object is no small thing(JM)
One of my clients is a police officer who trains other officers in weapon self defense and other forms. He said it takes approximately 23 feet for an officer to safely employ his gun(holstered) against a person who has a knife. Definately no small thing.
Not just women who abuse really. Seems society can’t accept the idea of an abuser existing at all. Though, I suppose uncritical forgiveness of female abusers is not exactly uncommon.
To what SpudTater said about martial arts, I’d add that if someone is attacking you with a knife or other blade there is a very good chance that you will be cut even if you defend yourself successfully- being good in a fight sometimes just means that you get cut on the arm instead of your throat, or on the bony part of your forearm instead of the soft part. So even if you’re very confident of victory, fighting off someone with a sharp object is no small thing. debaser71 , “However unfathomable it may seem to you all… I… Read more »
@Tamen:
You said it perfectly.
Aside from my usual mistypings the wod violence is missing after the word physical in the last sentence.
An edit comment or at least a preview comment functionality would’ve been appreciated and would ensure that my face would in general be a shade less red after submitting.
This was snatched from a DV service site and made gender neutral in language by me (no attribution because the original site doesn’t acknowledge men as victims of DV and I am mean when it comes to that) – however the following is true and hopefully provide some food for thought for you: The term provocation or instigator with regard to persons who batter implies some justification of the perpetrator’s behavior; if not justification, at least participation or contribution to the violence inflicted on the victim. To say the battered person’s behavior provokes their partner is to say they control… Read more »
@Tamen — Oh, yeah, I’m well aware how gender-skewed The System is when it comes to children and awarding the custody thereof, etc.; it just seems that the should be *some* kind of support service out there for situations like this. Which may be me living in the land of puppies, unicorns and rainbows, but there it is . . .
However unfathomable it may seem to you all… I don’t share your opinions about the 110% ‘innocence’ of the man. The man’s linked post says this, “This evening, while she was drinking her wine, my estranged wife took exception to the fact that I wanted to talk about how tense she’s been. She said she didn’t want to talk about it. I left the room (so as to comply with her request). I went upstairs to use our tiny guest bathroom.” So he certainly was ‘downstairs’ and certainly ‘approaching his wife’ with a talk she doesn’t want to engage in.… Read more »
“”This was the man’s first mistake. His second was his condescension. Did the man really think going downstairs to be condescending to his drinking wife would end up with her admitting to her failures?””
Well, it’s a good thing he didn’t go downstairs then. She followed *him*. That’s how he wound up cornered in the small upstairs bathroom. Did you even read this article?
> “So if “instigator” isn’t a good word, what word should I use instead?”
No matter what word you use, you’re still saying the same thing. And it will still be objectionable to the majority of commenters on this blog.
Ouch. Some pretty strong victim-blaming going on in the comments. As for “can a large man be afraid of a small woman” question: yes, of course he can. As I understand it, it’s not people per se who are terrifying, but moods. That black temper that causes the abuser to destroy things, say the nastiest things they can think of, and raise fists or weapons in anger. Most often, people unable to control their tempers in this way are male, but that’s just statistics. On a purely practical note, I can attest from my study of European martial arts that… Read more »
In my world “instigator” is used to describe children who annoy and bother the other kids to force them into a reaction. The usually “instigator” knows what she/he is doing. I can understand how the word is loaded, though. It’s like blaming he victim. But that’s NOT what I am doing. I think I offered enough qualifiers. And note, I do not like making a post to merely agree with what everyone else is saying. I like to add more, or toss in my perspective. (and I think I have a fairly a-typical perspective on some issues being a (40… Read more »
Superglucose, it just goes to show you that Medical Professionals aren’t perfect at all. A PHD or doctorate doesn’t guarantee awareness.
“At each initial session, every therapist took a look at me, then at her (5’4” 150 lbs.). Then he or she would gravely ask my wife, “Do you feel safe?”
*barely in control*
This is not how medical professionals ought to behave.
I watched my stepmom pull a knife on my dad. I hid under my bed all night scared she would come after me.
My mom still thinks my dad was abusive and can’t understand why I’m not scared of him.
@Debaser: I don’t mean to criticize in the least, but you might have been using the word “instigator” in ignorance. I invite you to consider the following: ***With some people, in some situations, there is no such thing as instigation.*** Some people are time bombs. In time, any word or gesture can set them off. For example, some people are sufficiently unstable that they can yell, “Get out!” You comply, and then they shout, “Don’t walk away from me!” It’s a no-win situation in which instigation is impossible because the abuser is their own motivator. It’s rather like the rule,… Read more »
One of my posts is still in moderation queue on this thread and I want to pre-emptively apologize for my ableist choice of words which likely triggered the moderation.
ack, ye, my second post was also a response to Eagle… somehow I manged to not put that in the post which will likely look ambiguous once my other post gets out of moderation. Anyhow, now that should be clear.
Eagle32: I assume Clarence is talking about this post on this blog by Ami Angelwings.
I posted a comment there (still in moderation as that is a strictly moderated thread) asking her to ask the shelters she talks with to explicitly state that they accept men with children. Too often shelter’s state their policy something like this: We accept women with children and we also accept men. Which is at best ambiguous.