(Hat tip to n1l0c2501.)
Trigger warning for explicit depictions of abuse. Minor spoilers for the short film Life’s Poison.
I was recently pointed to Life’s Poison, a powerful short film made for the PBS Online Film Festival about a teenage male who was abused by his father and the struggles he goes through in recovering from abuse and growing to have a healthier form of masculinity. Fair warning: the video (embedded at the bottom of the post) is somewhat hard to watch– I personally had to pause it halfway through and do something else, simply because the emotions caused by the video were too much for me. I am, however, known for my excessive empathy with fictional characters, so your experience may be different.
Life’s Poison reminds me of one of my favorite books on masculinity– bell hooks’s We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity. (If you like this blog, and you have never read We Real Cool, the FUCK are you waiting for, go the fuck to the library.) In her chapters on abuse, bell hooks discusses the endemic rates of abuse among black men– physical, emotional, and sexual. She theorizes that abuse disconnects men from their emotions and teaches them to be violent and self-destructive– that is, according to some toxic ideas, a “real man.” (In fact, it is known that abuse history correlates with risk of becoming an abuser.)
When a boy is slapped for crying, he learns that men don’t cry. Later on in his life, he may have trouble connecting to his emotions. Life’s Poison shows this viscerally: when the main character Eliyah’s mother is in the hospital, he stands next to the wall of his school building and shouts at himself not to cry. Crying– even when no one can see, even when you’re afraid for your mother whom you love– makes you weak. The abuse of his father seared that lesson in his bones.
Too, Eliyah’s abuse has warped his way of interacting with the world. In the first words of the film, he says that being masculine is about being hard, being strong. To Eliyah, being “the man” is about demanding respect and being known to be on top and not to be messed with– that is, about being willing and able to use violence. His early abuse taught him to view the world as abusers and abused, those who do violence and those who have violence done upon them: the manly way is to make sure that you’re so strong no one can ever hurt you.
Of course, viewing the world as abusers and abused is common enough among survivors of childhood abuse. Nevertheless, it’s important not to ignore the specifically gendered aspects of Eliyah’s abuse. His father abused him when he was a boy for being insufficiently masculine; he developed the dysfunctional coping mechanism of being hypermasculine. I wonder how many hypermasculine people have abuse histories, perhaps ones they cannot even admit to themselves.
The moment that made me saddest in the film is when Eliyah is taking his elementary-school age brother, Cory, to school. Cory asks for a hug goodbye; Eliyah, telling him he’s a big boy now, gives him a fistbump. The loneliness and puzzlement on Cory’s face broke my heart. Eliyah clearly, throughout the film, loves his brother and wants the best for him; nevertheless, emotionally wounded and yearning to be a man himself, he hurts his brother.
It’s a good moment, too, because that is how kyriarchal conditioning works. Sure, there’s some “guys don’t hug each other, faggot,” particularly when people step out of line; but a lot of it is subtle, a moment neither person would really remember years later. A hug, rebuffed.
It would be terrible enough if the effects of abuse to become more masculine affected only the abuse survivors themselves. But there is a ripple effect. They teach others their own sick ideas of masculinity, bully those who do not fit, perhaps even abuse their own sons in their turn; the unrealistic and destructive ideas of what a man is perpetrate themselves. Abuse harms far more than just the person who was abused.
@Zyzle, I’m not sure the implication here is that they are more likely to abuse, more that male victims feel a greater need to prove their masculinity and due to the overall societal view of what counts as masculine these men often enter in to patterns of behavior that are often destructive. While I’m sure this wasn’t your intent, this frankly comes across as rather victim-blaming. It’s a victim-blaming frame. Is there any actual evidence that male victims are more likely to go into destructive patterns of behavior than female victims? I have a feeling they’re about similar and they… Read more »
http://www.fileserve(period)com/file/GP8xEC9/Life_s Poison _ Growing Pains Category _ PBS Online Film Fes.flv
Disregard the constabulary
@ Suturexself Actually, women are more likely to be violent and use weapons, and more men die in domestic violence incidents than women. One explanation for the weapons is that they are physically weaker, so they have to compensate for this. (I think toy solider has a reference for this, and if anyone really doesn’t believe this then I will go and have a look for it, and give a link) As for your comment about statistics, that is why homicide is a good measure, you can’t deny that someone has died. The abuse dynamic is about so much more… Read more »
Cant’….Watch…video…blocked…in… country…arrrrrrgh1!
“Toy Soldier has observed how this meme is used against male rape victims but somehow female rape victims are never suspected of being at a higher risk of raping. Projecting from the 1-in-4 claims, that means there should be lots of women out there raping.” As Paul said, you have to consider that many of the groups that research rape statistics won’t consider rape by envelopment to be rape. Also, female on male rape is much less likely to be reported at all. Even to broaden the issue slightly, and talk about abuse victims continuing the cycle of abuse: abusive… Read more »
Not available in Canada, either. =(
@Zyzle, your comment immediately made me think of this powerful victim impact statement from Theo Fleury, former NHL goalie and “victor over sexual abuse”: http://www.thestar.com/sports/hockey/nhl/article/1135091–theo-fleury-s-victim-impact-statement The coach that abused him was a serial predator, by all accounts, and the abuse had lifelong impact on many of his victims, as Fleury details in his statement. I personally am floored by Fleury’s articulate response and bravery in speaking out on this issue, and calling attention to the facts that 1) sexual abuse is plain wrong, in all cases, irrespective of the genders or ages or class or religion or ethnicity of the… Read more »
@Ginkgo I’m not sure the implication here is that they are more likely to abuse, more that male victims feel a greater need to prove their masculinity and due to the overall societal view of what counts as masculine these men often enter in to patterns of behavior that are often destructive. It does actually put me in mind of a documentary about the trial of a serial child rapist who was brought to court years later, by which point most of his victims were in their 20s/30s. I remember the judge (or possibly the prosecutor, I can’t remember which)… Read more »
“Toy Soldier has observed how this meme is used against male rape victims but somehow female rape victims are never suspected of being at a higher risk of raping. Projecting from the 1-in-4 claims, that means there should be lots of women out there raping.”
There very well could be, but as long as it’s not considered “rape” by the people doing the counting, how would we know for sure?
“From testimonies, it was extremely extremely common for trans women to go in the army, trucking, IT, marry a woman, have children, just to prove they were masculine enough.” Randy Shilts identified this dynamicwith gay men in Conduct Unbecoming back in 1995. http://www.amazon.com/Conduct-Unbecoming-Randy-Shilts/dp/0449909174 “(In fact, it is known that abuse history correlates with risk of becoming an abuser.)” Toy Soldier has observed how this meme is used against male rape victims but somehow female rape victims are never suspected of being at a higher risk of raping. Projecting from the 1-in-4 claims, that means there should be lots of women… Read more »
“Of course, viewing the world as abusers and abused is common enough among survivors of childhood abuse. Nevertheless, it’s important not to ignore the specifically gendered aspects of Eliyah’s abuse. His father abused him when he was a boy for being insufficiently masculine; he developed the dysfunctional coping mechanism of being hypermasculine. I wonder how many hypermasculine people have abuse histories, perhaps ones they cannot even admit to themselves.”
From testimonies, it was extremely extremely common for trans women to go in the army, trucking, IT, marry a woman, have children, just to prove they were masculine enough.
(Hat tip to n1l0c2501.) — I go by Zyzle on here 😉
@J Yeah it seems it and another film in the category “Man in the Mirror” about a closeted highschool athlete, which I actually also meant to link to, now don’t seem to be available outside of the US, even though others are… No idea why
Not available in Australia =(