(hat tip to StartledOctopus)
This is an interesting video from Sociological Images (no transcript available and I don’t want to write an transcript of an hour-and-a-half video, sorry) about how gender affects friendship, although the audience appeared more interested in the fuzzy animal pictures. Also, just like the video, this article will come from a cisheteronormative perspective, simply because queers often have different friendship issues.
The video’s discussion of men has some serious problems. It claims that male mate-guarding (i.e. “it’s so awesome your husband lets you have male friends!”) is rooted in the objectification and possession of women: in actuality, it’s probably rooted in the monogamous norm that you’re supposed to direct your erotic and emotional energy at one person at once– the same norm that causes women to be jealous of their husbands’ female friends, and that makes people dump their platonic friends as soon as a romantic relationship appears. (Queers, in my experience, are blessedly free of this stupidity.)
It also critiques video games using the overworked and cliche Grand Theft Auto and Rapelay examples (seriously, you’d think that if video games were so damn misogynistic they’d be able to find some new examples) and gonzo pornography: apparently they are not aware that what people choose to consume in their fantasy life is not the same thing as their actual opinions. It’s also interesting that they object to murdering sex workers in GTA but not, you know, all the other murdering you do in GTA. Is it somehow worse to murder people if they have a vagina?
This is not even to mention the sentence that was– I am not even joking– included in the video: “men have a hard time seeing women as human.” WHAT? I had to pause the video to glare at it. I think that that’s the epitome of how feminism without masculism is stumbling around in the dark unable to find a light-switch. Let me explain this in simple terms: the male gender role all too often involves treating (some) women as objects (see also: rape culture, catcalling). Men, being human beings, are fully capable of seeing women as human (I mean, what the fuck, have you not met a man?). The dissonance between the male gender role and what actual men do is a source of dissonance and role strain for many men. This is literally Sociology 101.
Also there’s a very tone-deaf defense of Nice Guys near the end, which I have no doubt will be rehashed endlessly in the comments for the edification and greater annoyance of everyone.
But my ranting aside, there are actually some really interesting points in the video– specifically, our culture serves to systematically devalue friendship in certain specific gendered ways.
The video roots the problems with male-female friendship from the male side in two issues: one, femmephobia; two, men being treated as hypersexual. Obviously, if society looks down upon generally on feminine things and specifically on feminine things done by men, you’re not going to see a whole lot of men participating in those sleepovers where you gossip endlessly about who said what to Janey and watch old Disney movies. Instead, if the men and the women want to hang out, the women will have to tag along to the dudes’ video-game-playing sessions, although of course they wouldn’t be allowed to play the video games because they’d probably, I don’t know, menstruate all over the controller.
…Or at least that was my high-school experience, which was the last time I hung around with significant numbers of straight cis gender-conforming men. Bleh.
A bit of a tangent: the video actually makes some really interesting points about sexualization in male-female friendship– that women are acceptable in the group as long as they’re pretty and don’t challenge the dudes– but I do think it misses another factor. A lot of women can become “one of the guys” by knowing their shit and deliberately desexualizing themselves such that the guys actively forget she’s female. I do that a lot.
The other factor is the hypersexuality of men, which plays out in this really crappy When Harry Met Sally way. Men can’t be friends with women, because of course they want to get in women’s pants. All women. Everywhere. Whether they’re attracted to them or not. Men are just horny beasts, you know. Obviously, this is untrue, as any woman who asks her male friends out (or for casual sex!) can attest. Even worse, this stereotype fucks things up for both men and women: men are less likely to become friends with women they don’t want to fuck, and women will assume a man befriending them wants to fuck them.
Male-male friendship has some serious other flaws, too. In part, men tend to do things with their friends, and women tend to talk with their friends. I would like to note, for anecdata purposes, that in my apartment right now there are two dudes playing Magic and two women talking about their feelings, so in my sample size of two friendships this video is exactly right. Men tend to do things with their friends because talking about your feelings is, well, kinda girly. It involves all sorts of gross unmanly stuff like admitting to weakness and vulnerability and emotions. Unfortunately, all that gross unmanly stuff is also necessary to build a strong, intimate friendship.
So instead men tend to do things together: sometimes the things they do together are problematic– binge drinking, excessive eating of “manly” and unhealthy food, gender-policing other men, objectifying women. But the problem goes deeper than that. In study after study, men report that their only source of emotional intimacy is their girlfriend or wife. Where does that leave single men? Men whose wives have died or divorced them, or whose girlfriends have broken up with them? Men whose wives are going through their own problems? Men who don’t want their wives to know about some trouble that they’re going through (perhaps a job loss or an infidelity)?
Nowhere.
One of the factors I found most interesting in the video is its discussion of “no homo.” No homo is obviously gender-policing and homophobic. However, the video argues that “no homo” actually creates a valuable space for genuine intimacy in male friendships: you can admit that (God forbid) you actually like your friends, but “no homo” reaffirms that it’s joking and that you’re really paragons of heterosexual masculinity. I hypothesize that the stereotypical drunk man saying “I love you, man” may also be a part of this.
The video presents an action plan for men to have better friendships. I have, of course, edited the list and provided my own commentary.
- Stop trying so hard to be a real man. This is a “do what you can” situation. A lot of men experience a lot of negative pushback from denying masculinity ranging from mockery to violence, and you are not failing masculism by prioritizing your self-care over The Cause. Internal work is the most important work here: try to make yourself believe that simply by identifying as a man, you are a real man. No matter what you do, you can’t lose that status.
- Befriend other men who “get it.” Human beings are social animals: that’s why kyriarchal shit has such power. If you’re in a group of people who are like “fuck social conditioning, we do what we want,” it’s easier to fuck social conditioning and do what you want.
- Befriend women too. There’s a whole lot of social conditioning around the idea that women are pretty much for romantic relationships. We all know that’s bullshit, right? It’s only through intimate and non-romantic friendships that we can break this down.
- Push back against other men who gender-police people. Men tend to gender-police men, and women gender-police women, so calling out your own gender’s sexism has a proportionately great effect. It sounds kind of dorky, but I actually come up with semi-witty lines to shut down common kinds of female gender-policing (slut-shaming, prude-shaming, rape culture, beauty policing, diet talk); even frowning helps send the message that sexism Is Not Acceptable. As always, do what you can: you don’t have to call out every instance of sexism you see.
Unless, of course, you consider adult men to be “children” which is apparently the entire problem here.
This is what I was responding to, and Schala expanded on my point very nicely.
I do agree with Dorkboy though. Videogames in general where at first pretty much “all ages”. It was pretty hard to have a target demographic when you could hardly make out what was on screen anyways. 4 bits and 8 bits (1st, 2nd and 3rd generation of consoles – Nintendo ‘s NES being in the 3rd), whoever or whatever the main character(s) were, the difficulty and addictiveness of certain games made them good for anyone (though you needed a LOT of patience). 16 bits (4th generation, including SNES) was somewhat better. You could start to identify what those sprites on… Read more »
Dorkboy, so let me get this straight… if a feminist author of a feminist gender blog writes about GTA being sexist, then it’s because she never heard of GTA having scenes where women get killed and bought it for her kid? Doubt it. That’s all I was saying.
@dungone – It’s about the larger attitude toward video games in our culture. They are, as a whole, still regarded as “for children.” The people complaining about murder and prostitution in GTA, which legally cannot be sold to anyone under 18? They’re the parents who bought the game for their nine-year-old son because he asked for it, thinking that because it’s a video game it must be meant for him. Instead of looking at the game first to see if it’s appropriate, they assume it will be and then complain when it isn’t, even though it was never made for… Read more »
debaser: “As a fully-fledged-adult, I find it almost impossible to make new friends. Acquaintances are easy to make but friends? I have my friends already. Other people have their friends already.” This. I’m in the “young adult at work” stage, but yes, this. It seems to me that “doing” things is how friends are forged in this new non-school life, no matter the gender, I am always struggling to come up with things to do with both male and female potential friends in hopes to create a reason for us to spend more time together rand maybe move past “acquaintance”… Read more »
@Doug
Really really interesting essay on how schools are so damn screwed up nowadays. I agree with 100% of it, as one of those who “opted out” without being a nerd, nor a freak (at least, I wasn’t in any group). I was an alien, a “weird one”, a loner, an angel. That weird one who isn’t fat, with glasses or disabled. Just weird.
And that world almost killed me. If you add being trans on top, it’s a wonder I even made it alive (I probably would have killed myself before hitting 20).
Unless, of course, you consider adult men to be “children” which is apparently the entire problem here. A sixteen-year-old is, physiologically, basically an adult, regardless of what our society would have you think. At the age of 16, Alexander the Great was ruling Macedonia in his father’s absence and defeated a rebellion. The popular image of “adolescence” and “teenage rebellion” is, at least in part, an artifact of modern culture and education. In particular, it’s an artifact of age-segregated education that’s conducted in facilities that possess the essential characteristics of prisons: you’re not allowed to leave, there are people who… Read more »
@The_L, that’s a real stretch. The game already has a rating on it for adults and that wasn’t the point. The comment that was made was in reference to the fact that this one video game is used by feminists to condemn the entire video game industry as being sexist in contexts where children are not given any consideration. Unless, of course, you consider adult men to be “children” which is apparently the entire problem here.
“It’s also interesting that they object to murdering sex workers in GTA but not, you know, all the other murdering you do in GTA. Is it somehow worse to murder people if they have a vagina?” I think the reason so many people single that out in particular is so that they can point out the “this game has prostitutes in it” and “this game has murder in it” aspects with one example. It’s an easy way to say “Hey, giving this game to a small child is a REALLY BAD IDEA” without going through a long list. “You can… Read more »
My favorite line (it’s in both the movie and the novella) is “I hope to see my friend and shake his hand” spoken by Red in the ending monologue. That’s it. No fucking bullshit or dancing around it. They are clearly the most important person in the other’s life, but simply as platonic friends. This never happens. And with that line (I know it’s not the intent, but I read it this way) it’s almost like the movie/book is pushing that, and challenging the viewer to object. Awesome.
There’s also a fair number of “LOLZ HOUSE AND WILSON ARE TOTES GAY” jokes, and even an episode based around it (although the episode was actually fairly good for what its premise was)
Everyone always wonders why The Shawshank Redemption is consistently at the top of the IMDb Top 250. I mean, it’s an excellent film, but among the best ever made? Of course not. But it strikes a chord with men because: – It is about a strong male friendship, and really, that’s it. It’s a narrow focus – The relationship is not sexual. – Nor played for comedy, with cheap gay jokes and other bullshit like that. – There is no gratuitous sex shit or scenes with women solely meant to establish the two guys as MANLY STRAIGHT DUDES, DON’T GET… Read more »
@kaija24, I should have put in a good word for the other things you said and I think I may have just been tired and a little distraught this morning – I didn’t really finish that comment, it wasn’t coming along very well, but I just posted what I had. Then I took a nap. Just one of those days. I don’t actually disagree with what you said, especially since you said that you were eager to do your part to improve the way in which you make friends. But many people go into friendships thinking themselves to be an… Read more »
@dungone: Selective reading with the conclusion that it’s a plot against men by evil women…in other words, the usual. *le sigh*. Go back and read ALL the words minus your negative translation filter please. e.g., i.We should definitely value friends of all genders and try to give as much as we get from those relationships and Friendships of different kinds give one a well-rounded network to draw on for favours, advice, social activities, support, shared interests, etc. I didn’t think I had to explicitly state that the friendship exchange is a two-way street as I consider that to be a… Read more »
I was gonna comment that when people get older they do make new friends, like after retirement and when their kids are grown up. So I agree. Thanks for typing it out.
@debaser71, I think that this is not a virtue of the type of adulthood you speak of, but one of the major faults. Both of my parents didn’t seem to make any new friends from their 40’s up until their 60’s, but now they are not only making new ones but also reconnecting with older ones. They had to learn a lot of very important life lessons before they got to that point. They also took charge of their health after they had “let themselves go” for nearly two decades. They also started dressing better. And their marriage has improved… Read more »
As a “full fledged adult” (and sorry but I do not have a “nicer” way to say this…I’m open to what words I can use instead though) I find it almost impossible to make new friends. Acquaintances are easy to make but friends? I have my friends already. Other people have their friends already. Now add on things like work, children, responsibilities, etc, there’s not much time to just be hanging out bullshitting and having mindless fun with people such that they become friends. In college this was different. Even when I was a young adult at work this was… Read more »
@kaija24, did you just say that you’re into platonic friendships as a source of people to draw favors from? I had lots of female friends who only called me when they needed something and were very, very reluctant to do anything for me in return that wasn’t on their own terms. I have been friends with too many women who sort of weave rejection into the everyday interactions of the friendship. Sort of like, “sorry, I don’t want to see a movie with you tonight because that would give you the wrong idea and you’re not one of the men… Read more »
@Vicky, I agree! Friendships of different kinds give one a well-rounded network to draw on for favours, advice, social activities, support, shared interests, etc. One very detrimental thing that I see coming out of the emphasis on romantic relationships as the Holy Grail and the Only Important Relationship is that people often expect their partners to be everything to them and fulfill ALL of their needs when no one person is capable of that. This reliance on The Romance sets people up for disappointment and hurt that they project onto the other partner instead of placing it squarely on the… Read more »
Two, give me time and I’ll find dozens of ’em
Yes! long live platonic friendship! I believe that our culture prioritizes romantic relationships way too much. Not that sex and romance aren’t important, but let’s give equal time to other kinds of relationship. What about sibling relationships? friends? neighbors? mentors? I can think of at least two books-made-into-movies off the top of my head that were ruined when the writers shoehorned in a Hollywood Love Story.
@havebookswilltravel, I want to echo what you said. Men determine whether or not they can trust another guy by doing things with him, which makes the process of doing things together important to the process of sharing feelings. Take games… you’re probably not going to want to share your feelings with a guy who blurts out inappropriate things when drunk and tries to cheat all the time. You can get a sense of how winners treat losers, how losers react to losing, who is more likely to cooperate, etc. It’s something that I would actually recommend that more women do… Read more »
Ozy, friendship seems like a topic that’s ripe for exploration. I hope you do many posts on it. But, I have to correct you on something. This video does not offer a cisheteronormative perspective, it offers a feminist perspective. Big difference. I don’t know where to start even, but there are many reasons and many ways for making friends. You can make friends for friendship, for mating, for survival (or success), and for social status, and because you don’t have any other choice in the matter. You can try to retrofit existing friendships to serve new needs. You can also… Read more »
“In part, men tend to do things with their friends, and women tend to talk with their friends.” I´ve always found this dichotomy a big hunk “whateveh” because it often ignores that much of the “doing” is only a social mcguffin to the more important part of male friendship, the talking. Of course sometimes playing Magic, videogames, or what have you are just examples of playing games. Though, I wonder, what we do with the example of women playing games together. Many of the women in my family have had weekly running card games, some of which are with a… Read more »
Also, problems aside though, I think it’s great that they suggest that women be friends with men. They should be. Everyone should be able to be friends with everyone.