TW for suicide.
This story from Pam’s House Blend leaves me with a serious case of mood whiplash.
2009: A Massachusetts boy, Carl Walker-Hoover, hung himself earlier this week after enduring bullying at school, including daily taunts of being gay, despite his mother’s weekly pleas to the school to address the problem. She said she found her son, a sixth-grader at the school, hanging by an extension cord upstairs at their home.
Sad.
He was a junior at New Leadership Charter School in Springfield who did not identify as gay. Carl felt there was no way out from the bullying, and he killed himself. And that’s the point–anti-bullying laws are not only about sexual orientation–even perceived orientation can trigger the bullying. But his mother has turned an unspeakable family horror into concrete, positive actions to keep Carl’s memory alive this past Saturday (9/17), as hundreds gathered for the second annual Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover Foundation’s 5K Road Race at Springfield’s Forest Park on Saturday morning.
Pam’s House Blend mentions two anti-bullying laws currently before Congress, the Student Non-Discrimination Act and the Safe Schools Improvement Act, which specifically ban bullying against QUILTBAG* students or students perceived to be QUILTBAG. This bullying disproportionately affects male-assigned children, especially children who are perceived to be gay, feminine or otherwise not real men. I encourage our American readers to write their congresspeople in support of these bills.
*Queer, undecided, intersex, lesbian, trans, bisexual, asexual and gay. Best acronym ever, y/y?
I’m highlighting that this isn’t a stable society. The society we live in is ableist, sexist, racist, classist, and other ists that we probably haven’t even realized yet… and it’s the one that’s based on retributive justice.
By the way, I very *strongly* think these are related phenomenon. Retributive justice is not born of love but of anger and hate… or maybe even fear. What do you think all the *ists are born of?
@superglucose
You’re losing me, mate.
Above you write “Understanding that retribution and retributive justice are *not* the pinnacles and building blocks of a stable society is important” (emphasis added)
Now you write “it *is* the building block and the cornerstone of society”
I must be missreading you somewhere, because hose seem contradictory. (unless your intention is to highlight that this isn’t a stable society perhaps?)
@Skidd, the question isn’t whether or not it’s currently feasible. You’re right, it’s not. A teacher does not have time to properly teach their students… but this is a huge issue in itself! And I really don’t think it’s shocking to say that bullying won’t stop in classrooms until classrooms are run properly to which you say “classrooms don’t have the proper staffing to be run properly.” You’re right! They don’t! That’s why they’re not run properly! Also a teacher *is* a babysitter tbh. The point of school is to put children somewhere out of the way. Also also, when… Read more »
I’m leery because of how many times I’ve seen things go unpunished or that the punishment is taken out on the victim of the bullying. In one instance, my Aspie brother got SUSPENDED for a tiny reaction (shoving a girl away who was in his face and mocking him and laughing at him) and she didn’t receive any retribution. I teach five year olds in church – it’s mostly moral stuff (Do we take things from other people? How should we react in such-and-such situation? What would you do if someone took your toy?) Of course, they all know the… Read more »
I disagree. Retributive justice is not only a builiding block of society, it is one of the corner stones.
@Jared, um… yes. The desire for retribution is natural. Understanding that retribution and retributive justice are not the pinnacles and building blocks of a stable society is important; however, as an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
@ Easily enthused, sounds like over all they grew into a fairly normal bunch. I suppose it’s not surprising reall. @super glucose, Retrubitive punishment should not be ignored, rehabilative punishment is great, when it works, but if a victim gets no retribution from the process then they’ll either turn their nger inwards and hurt themselves, turn it outwards and hurt others (probably someone other than their bully), or, you know, forgive and forget, but how likely is *that*? The idea of taking retribution against children may seem sick, but it’s a perfectly natural thing for a child to want. Retributionis… Read more »
“So my opinion is that, yes, action should be taken to try and help bullies, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be punished when they beat another child to the floor.” But see it all depends on the age and the situation. Punishment simply does not work and it never really has worked. Punishment simply breeds resentment. If I get punished for being mean to you and I feel like what I did was deserved, then I resent *you and the instructor* for what is an unjust attack on me. Its’ easy to say “punishment punishment punishment” because we all… Read more »
superglucose.. I’m a little bit.. confused? angry? What is your opinion on bullying in school, then? I mean, what do you think can be done about bullying? Steps, or things like that?
@superglucose You’re right, bullies come in all different forms. Most of the ones I’ve dealt with were charismatic enough to hold the entire class/grade. I remember a particularily nasty boy that seemed to really get off on finding hurtful things to say to people, but whenever I asked other people why the hell they were his friend/liked him it was always evasive eyes and “well he’s really funny”. I’ve had a “lesbians!” rumour circulated about me and my friend at the time, made more complicated by the fact that I am lesbian(ish). Something, hilariously enough, I think the bully would… Read more »
@Skidd, every group of people have been beaten to death for who they were for some point in their life… it’s just a matter of how far back you’re willing to go. That’s why oppression olympics are so fucking stupid. I would call people out who say shit like that with “Um… yes they are.” Then cite examples… it’s not hard!
I’ve heard QUILTBAG before, as well as QUILTBAGPIPE ( http://yada.wikia.com/wiki/QUILTBAGPIPE ) I love me a good bagpipe of course (quilted or not), but I’m leery because I know there are plenty of LGBTQ folk who jump on asexuals or what have you: “How DARE you be so appropriative! Your kind aren’t beaten to death for what they are!1!” (I read one LJ conversation that made me skin crawl with several dozen folks chiming in like this). But in regards to the whole “pass it along” behavior and the home lives of bullies, haven’t studies shown that rapists often had very… Read more »
Oh, oh oh! I forgot one!
This was the guy who used to tease me for being a “gayfag” because I was in theater and wore eye-makeup while on stage. I don’t know if it qualifies as bullying though.
6. Pastor at Liberty Baptist Church (small town in VA)
Actually, I can answer this, all 5 of the people who bullied me in grade school are on facebook. I’m even “friends” with 3 of them.
Here are their claimed jobs:
1. Fashion photographer (New York, NY)
2. Manager at Staples (Radford, VA)
3. Massage Therapist (Roanoke, VA)
4. New Car Salesman (location unknown)
5. Died in a car crash 2 years ago – Myspace shows him as probably dealing drugs in my hometown.
That captures it nicely.
If you prefer, it is similar because it is a distortion.
The same way that psycopathy is a distortion of a healthy ego.
“The Tyrant’s Toolkit is similar to the healthy psychological human thing of wanting to control your inanimate environment and seeking security, consistence and safety.”
No, Schala, there is nothing healthy about it. It is not about controlling your inanimate environment, it is about controlling your animate environment to an unhealthy degree, by turning the people around your into instruments of your will or using them to fill your needs. In the case of SG’s bully she was using him to palliate her insecurity.
Which is exactly my point. She didn’t want power over her pack or whatever because she’s inherently controlling, likely she wanted power over her pack so she could feel like she was safe and had control over something. Instead of punishing me for her transgressions, the teachers, etc. should have approached her to make sure everything was ok in her life. That would do more for her than 10,000 hours of detention for either of us. Incidentally I think I know what her issue was: I think her parents heavily favored her younger sister and so she probably felt invisible… Read more »
The Tyrant’s Toolkit is similar to the healthy psychological human thing of wanting to control your inanimate environment and seeking security, consistence and safety.
“I would put money that most kids bully in order to have some form of control in their life.”
Yes, SG – in both senses of that. One, they want a sense of control in their own lives and two, they wnata s ense of control over others, a feeling of power. That sounds too me like what was happening in your bullying. The ringleader needed an external enemy to focus her her pack on and consolidate her power. That comes right out of the Tyrant’s Toolkit.
“I can recall one 3rd grade class meeting in which the teacher somehow ended up soliciting suggestions for how one girl could stop provoking the bullies, right in front of the girl.” One reason is that many teachers are afraid of bullies themselves or the possible conflict involved in punishing the bullies, even when the bullies are young children. They blame the victims because victims are often meek and manipulating their behavior to rectify the situation is a lot simpler than manipulating the bullies’. Also, if a teacher is someone who was bullied or detests their own meekness, their shame… Read more »
@Sasha, my bullies in 5th grade weren’t the loud ones. They were the quiet girls who sat in the corner of their classroom doing their work and getting “A”s. It’s also important to realize I was straight and presented as straight: these girls did not harass me because they thought I was gay (in fact one of the ways they found to torment me were sexually explicit “love notes” anonymously delivered), they harassed me because one of them (who had the charisma) decided it was necessary for some reason in her mind, and twisted the others to go along with… Read more »
Personally I like GLOW the best. Speaking of bullying, please note that DADT passed into history in the US military as of midnight this morning. Please join me in raising a glass this evening wherever you are. Bullying – one of the main concerns about repeal, rarely if ever expressed, was how to stop or prevent bullying in the ranks when people started coming out. There have been horrific bullying problems going as far as murders in the past. How to handle this when it all comes out in the open….. In that past the Army at least was prepared… Read more »
I’ve got one. BQUALITG – rhymes with “equality”.
No thanks needed, just cite this post for future use. 🙂
Here’s an especially disgusting example of bullying, especially disgusting because it had oficial sanction. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2038997/In-Downton-Abbey-male-servants-taunted-feathers-women-going-war-So-whats-truth-cowards-tormentors-Feather-Girls.html As people have already mentioned, a lot of this bullying at schools is tacitly protected by people in charge. That’s why you need special laws to combat it. Why do kids get bullied? The real question is why kids bully. The answer is that bullying is a group norming process. The White Feather Cowards got away with their disgusting bullying because it served to maintian the group’s norms – gender norms in this case. One norm was that men go out to fight, but the… Read more »