Trigger warning for discussion of mental illness.
Next week I’m beginning a series on masculinity and depression, and to kick it off I thought I’d open up a thread about the men here’s experiences with being mentally ill. Anything from mild depression to being Baker Acted multiple times is welcome in this discussion. The experiences of women who were male-assigned at birth or anyone on the transmasculine spectrum are also encouraged, in addition to cis men. If you are concerned about your anonymity, I encourage you to choose a pseudonym.
A few thoughts for discussion. What role did masculinity play in your mental illness? Did symptoms manifest in a gendered way (for instance, depression shown as anger as opposed to crying)? How did other people’s perceptions of your masculinity change because of your mental illness (family, friends, partners, therapists)? Have you sought treatment? If so, did masculinity make you more or less likely to seek treatment, and did it have any effect on your treatment process? If not, did masculinity have a part in getting you to not seek help?
A reminder: although NSWATM comment policy does permit the reclamatory use of the word “crazy,” you’ll be stuck in moderation, so you might want to avoid it. In addition, don’t be that douchebag. Do not deny someone else’s mental illness by saying they’re making it up, it’s not serious or they’re just looking for attention, but instead be supportive of everyone who is sharing their experiences.
My personal experience with mental health issues goes something like this; For as long as I can remember, probably more realistically since my early teens, I’ve had some fairly serious problems with “not feeling manly enough”. It’s something that for me has taken various forms over the years. At school I was never good at sports, I was the classic fat kid who was always picked last in the teams (real men™ are always good at sports). Despite being generally big for my age I never felt comfortable with physical confrontation so my solution for the (mostly) rare instances of… Read more »
Seconding expressions of compassion from @f and @superglucose. Hugs, firm grips on the shoulder or nods of acknowledgement to those who want them.
Self-reflection time : Is em philanthropy ? The feeling of love for all of humanity ?
Thanks for sharing, everyone (and thanks as well to those who have not felt led to expose their tales). I believe your stories are making me a better person, who can provide more support for those who may need it, and maybe helping to support people before they need it.
I prefer to think of it as me having years of practice in not killing myself. 🙂
Oh dear God yes. It’s the sense that, even as a suicide, I’m a failure.
Glad to have you around, Ferris, even if you’re not.
Tasha1974: I can’t really imagine any *person* feeling comfortable entrusting their very personal story to you or this blog after witnessing the sensitivity you displayed in inviting them to share in the first place….”Anything from mild depression to being Baker Acted multiple times is welcome” Baker Acted? Im full aware what it is, but as a mental health professional, I find your terminology offensive and crude. Well, Tasha1974, maybe, just maybe, as a mental health professional, it isn’t your opinion that really matters here. As a person with a long and severe mental-health history, and who in particular has been… Read more »
James, I’ve come across your story before, can’t remember where, and some of the comments you received, from men and women, were fucking disgraceful. Some people. Keep fighting the fight. superglucose: Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion to have and can actually fuel positive outcomes. You’re right. Anger is often the healthiest response to injustice. You can only process your anger by expressing it – suppressing it turns it into resentment, which, like the man says, is like taking poison yourself and expecting your enemy to die. My experience is, though, if you respond to injustice with anger, it seems… Read more »
Welcome to the club, James.
I can relate to the disbelife society expresses, bordering on ostracization, when you’re a survivor of abuse from a woman.
While I was never drugged or raped, the bullying and hurt still did its fair share of damage. The icing on the cake was finding no information of girls and women who hurt boys; articles, stories, media, nada.
So, here’s another shoulder for you to lean on.
*Offers to hug James*
That’s a real shame and it’s sad and upsetting that people have told you to just “get over it.”
After finally deciding to confront a rape experience that had occurred when I was 19, I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist. As I was raped by a woman who drugged and blackmailed me into silence, I hid that for nearly 20 years. When I first spoke out publicly about it and mentioned my PTSD, I was laughed at by both men and women – some of whom identify as feminists. Apparently, I am supposed to always want sex, from ANY woman at ANY time. My failure to conform to this ridiculous standard and actually suffering mental health problems… Read more »
Hugs for those who want ’em. All this stuff is so difficult to talk about, but it’s important.
“Where did anyone get the idea that anger is an acceptable emotion for men? Being angry is unacceptable in almost all social circumstances. An angry man is a bad man, a threat, who is shunned and considered to deserve any misfortune he gets. We must suppress anger every bit as much as we suppress sadness. The typical depressed man will self-medicate, throw himself into his work, and above all, hide.” Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion to have and can actually fuel positive outcomes. Do you think the Civil Rights Movement was lead by black men who were passive and… Read more »
BTW, after my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD at the age of 37, he tried a number of amphetamines/pseudoamphetamine on me. The results weren’t pretty. How’s sleeping less than four or five hours a day, while spending the entire rest of the day (I was unemployed at the time) online? How’s going to Home Depot, Wal-Mart, and other big box stores three times a day, and spending $20,000 cash on natural disaster preparation, in a month and a half? The medications we tried for depression made me an emotionless zombie (on top of how I already am), impotent, and unable… Read more »
I’ve been suicidal for about ten years. I’ve been suicidal and alive for so long, it can only be described as an abject failure on my part to off myself. In general my issues can be broken down into two distinct groups, both of which interact with gender in various ways: anxiety and inferiority complex. The anxiety is largely a function of a fear of being justifiably disapproved of (unjustifiably disapproved of is met with retaliatory dismissal or anger, but not the intense shame that accompanies justifiable disapproval). This applies across the board from professors to friends to the guy… Read more »
Though things have been not right with my life or social interactions since childhood, I never sought help until it was a condition of me being able to continue nursing school after an emotional breakdown at the hospital one day. So at the age of 37, I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), ADHD, Depression, Bipolar Type II, OCD, something else I don’t remember, and suspected Asperger’s. It explains a lot about me and my life. In addition I am male and Japanese-American, for which I am supposed to be stoic and uncomplaining. This all means that for… Read more »
I’d also like to add that having the following statements drummed into my head by ignorant progressives:
“Girls and women don’t abuse.”
“It’s nothing compared to the abuse women and girls get on a daily basis.”
“What happened to you was an anomoly.”
“You’re still a part of the priveledged class.”
Will also add to my reprehension towards strong female characters and likely validate that my opinions or expressions of discomfort don’t count. .
I have a lot character flaws that get emotionally crippling at times. Thanks to being bullied, my self-confidence is all but shot. There are times when I can’t stick up for myself and just accept people’s opinions on what I should be doing or where to go with my life. Doubly so if there’s a conflict. Because whenever I tried to express myself, I’d get lambasted for it. When you’re autistic, people always look at your behaviours and think it’s okay to judge and treat you like shit when you’re trying to express your humanity. Then when your behaviours are… Read more »
“If I’d gotten diagnosed ten years earlier when I was a kid, god alone knows what I could have done academically. Stupid fucking pride.”
Given how they drug kids nowadays as a throw-away problem, thinking “therefore it’s fixed”, and extremely overdiagnose it (especially in boys), I’m not certain you’d have been better off.
I probable have Asperger syndrome, but they didn’t diagnose it when I was a kid (I fit all DSM stuff). I doubt they could have helped me either.
My anecdote is far less serious than many folks here, so please believe I’m not trying to appropriate anyone’s experience and go “Yeah, I can empathize with you losing your leg, I had this wicked hangnail once…” So, yeah, I have pretty serious Attention Deficit Disorder. Not exactly earthshattering, but it… hasn’t done me any favors, over the years. Of course, I totally denied that I had it for far longer than I had any excuse to. I faked my way through school relatively well, but high school’s easy and most college work was as well. The important thing, to… Read more »
*hugs* to anyone who wants them. Fnord and Glaivester, that’s very interesting that your gender role hasn’t affected your treatment very much. I think we gender bloggers have a habit of making everything about gender, even when it just isn’t so. Wilder: That’s awful. :/ As if mentally ill people can’t be trans! Tasha: As a person who has attempted suicide and has had multiple friends who have been in various kinds of institutions, I don’t find it offensive or crude in the slightest. Looks like we’ll have to agree to disagree. Simon: One of the most important things I’ve… Read more »
Okay, so maybe this isn’t the right place to comment, and maybe I don’t have these issues, but nevertheless, I know that I’m not entirely psychologically healthy. I suffered at school, and I had very few friends. I have thirsted for connection, and it’s only been in the past ten years or so that I’ve found it. Having real flesh-and-blood friends is a godsend to me. Especially when I get to share their interests. From about 1991 to 2000, I had almost no friends, and made very few connections, and was incredibly morose. It was only the light of a… Read more »
I can’t really imagine any *person* feeling comfortable entrusting their very personal story to you or this blog after witnessing the sensitivity you displayed in inviting them to share in the first place….”Anything from mild depression to being Baker Acted multiple times is welcome”
Baker Acted? Im full aware what it is, but as a mental health professional, I find your terminology offensive and crude.
I have schizoaffective disorder. These days, it’s mostly under control, but it can be and has been debilitating for months at a time. I am trans, and my family continues (despite the passing of four years) to believe that my transsexuality is a manifestation of my mental illness and thus “not real.” Because of my psychiatric history and how little my life reflects stereotypical trans narrative, my masculinity is consistently called into question. Though I was treated in inpatient facilities prior to transition, I have since refused emergency psychiatric care several times when I clearly needed it, out of fear… Read more »
I have OCD and have had mild bouts of depression. I don’t know that masculinity per se really impacted me on either of these.
Speaking for myself, it doesn’t really seem that masculinity played a role in my bouts with mental illness. Both of the therapists I’ve had successful relationships with were men, which probably helped with trust, but the failure of my female therapist seemed to have more to do with general incompetence than any gender-related issues(*). And I had a female probation officer, which didn’t really seem to cause any problems; that’s certainly a very different relationship than a therapist, but I mention her because the crime was part of a mental health crisis, and probation accompanied therapy. I suppose crime, in… Read more »
I’ve struggled with bipolar 1 for about 5 years now, and recently it’s severe flair up into a massive depression following an intense mania. In terms of depression, thankfully, gender norms didn’t stop me from seeking help, but I did notice a difference in the attitude of others toward me. It felt like people saw me as a weakling for “caving in” to my depression or that I was some how really abnormal for being so depressed. I’ve even lost friends over it. Whereas my girlfriend who also struggles with depression received much more empathy and attention from others. My… Read more »