Celebrities give up some of their privacy as part of the “being a famous person” thing. Non-famous people tend to have a certain amount of prurient interest in the lives, romantic and otherwise, of famous people. But there is a line, sapients and gentlebeings. I may coo over the TARDIS Neil and Amanda put on the tree, and I may sporfle at the following Tweet!
Amanda Palmer tweet: “hot phone sex w/ a writer has its disadvantages when it comes to his urge to muse over adjectives when I need to orgasm.”
But if I decide that Amanda Palmer’s and Neil Gaiman’s phone sex shows that their relationship is entirely based around sexuality and a sign of deep trust issues in their relationship, I am an asshole! Do not do that!
The same thing is true if the answer to “how much you have sex” is “never.”
Tim Gunn is a person whose existence I have recently been made aware of. He tells people to “make it work” on Project Runway, apparently! I was unaware of the existence of this show until two days ago, mostly because I am unclear on what people put on the TV besides Doctor Who, The Big Bang Theory and My Little Pony! He wrote a book about fashion, style, and taste, none of which I actually have! He’s a survivor of suicide, which I generally am in support of, because I fucking love my fellow survivors! Also he knows how to rock a fabulous suit!
NSWATM: Gender theory. Ranting. Suit porn.
Also, he has not had sex for twenty-nine years.
Tim Gunn is fine with this! In fact, Tim Gunn says that he is a “happy, fulfilled individual” who is “happy to be alive and healthy” and whose decision to remain celibate was prompted somewhat by a failed relationship and somewhat by health concerns, particularly the AIDS crisis. It seems to me the only story that all of this ought to prompt is a research article on the possible correlation between celibacy and incredible levels of fabulosity.
Despite his fabulosity, however, some nice lady at the LA Times would like to inform you that his celibacy can only be rooted in Deep Psychological Problems!
Berman said that, if she were treating Gunn, she’d like to know: Does he continue to be celibate by choice — or out of fear? For example, she said, if we lived in a magical world where sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS were not an issue … would Gunn still abstain from sexual intimacy?
“It’s not a natural sort of decision, nor is it biological or physiological — we are not wired that way,” she said. “It sounds like there are issues relating to trust,” she added. “There are ways of documenting and proving that people are free from sexually transmitted diseases in a committed relationship.”
…Uh-huh.
Okay, how the fuck does someone get to be a “sexuality expert” without having heard of asexuals? Are the admissions requirements to being a sexuality expert that low? Fuck, man, if that’s true, I can think of fifteen top blowjob tips and have a new career by next Tuesday.
Okay, listen, people. There are tons of people– male people, even!– who don’t have sex. (Note: self-report data, with all the methodological problems that implies.) If we look at Tim Gunn’s fellow fiftysomething men, 28% haven’t even masturbated in the last year, which means that about 28% are either (a) low-libido or (b) Hugh Hefner. Given that there is only one Hugh Hefner and I’m pretty sure he’s not fiftysomething, that suggests that there are lots and lots of low-libido men out there.
I know this is bizarre to all those “90% of men masturbate and 10% of men are lying” people out there, the “men evolved to be promiscuous” people, the “men naturally have high sex drives” people. But men– people— are different. If you don’t want to have sex, you shouldn’t have sex. That doesn’t make you prudish or uncool, broken or sick, sad or pathetic or wrong. It makes you someone who’s making the right life choice for you at that very moment. Hell, even if Tim Gunn were the only man on the entire planet who didn’t want sex, assuming he was content with his lot, it is perfectly fine and awesome.
Not only that, but it is none of anyone’s business! In fact, I will show you a helpful diagram, which I originally stole from Feministe:
My body. Your business. They do NOT overlap.
The consensual, safe, and emotionally healthy actions I take with my own damn body are none of anyone else’s concern. The same thing is true of Tim Gunn. He might be a famous person, but he has not given up his right to not have people be assholes about him, and long-distance diagnosis of mental problems because of his happy, consensual, safe sexual choices is clearly asshole behavior.
Tim Gunn might be a homoromantic asexual or demisexual! He might be a gay man with a low libido! He might have sublimated his sexuality and his erotic energy into his work! All of those options are fine options, and there is nothing wrong with any of them, as long as he is happy. And, I mean, dude hangs out with Iron Man, how could he not be happy?
I don’t see what the big deal is. To me, what is important is bettering yourself and contributing to life-not whether you have sex or not.
As a demisexual gay trans guy who still sometimes feels like I’m not really a man… this has made me feel a lot better. Thank you.
–Rogan
Notme, try this retort:
I’m tight, hot, disease-free(if that applies) and you aren’t getting any of this good stuff because I never, never give it away to double-binders.
Asexual can also mean “tired of social dishonesty”. They create misanthropy, not desire.
Sometimes I wonder if the problem (for the “experts” and other haters) is not the celibacy/whatnot itself, but that the person in question is happy with it. It’s as if people drop “we’re all individuals and we’re different” from their consciences, and have a meltdown over the concept of the situation in question being okay, as if the other person’s enjoyment of it or okayment with it undermines their own right to consider it horrible. It seems to play out that way in many situations. People who whitesplain hijab as oppression, for example, just refuse to believe that anyone could… Read more »
I am in total agreement with your post, but I will also share with you that in my class of ~20 sexuality professionals people studying to be certified sex therapists, only two people were aware of the fact that asexuality is a moderately well accepted (by the scientific community) and frequently advocated for (by asexuals) sexual orientation… and neither one of them was the teacher.
debaser, really? Somebody should tell my husband! He owns neither.
I think lots of priests are asexual; one of them even told me he was. He chose the job because it was the one place he didn’t get constant pressure from his family and peers.
Also worth noting that Jennifer Berman is NOT someone I would trust to give good mental health/sexuality advice – she has landed some really heavy criticism for her ties to the pharmaceutical industry and for medicalizing normal female sexuality (which seem to be exactly what she is doing here with Mr. Gunn’s sexuality). She does things like promote the use of Viagra to treat “female sexual dysfunction” (which is probably just the new “hysteria” and “frigidity” anyway), despite the fact that Viagra has consistently failed clinical trials with women.
@Not Me: Guys get way more virgin-shaming than women do, because… man I shouldn’t even have to say it. Anyways, as far as sexless marriages are concerned, both partners get shamed equally, though I get the distinct feeling that high-libido wife/low-libido husband situations don’t even get taken seriously half the time. Though I think husbands are more likely to get advice along the lines of “man up and divorce her ass already” or “man up and cheat” if they’re the ones getting turned down for sex. You see a crapton of these kinds of threads on Literotica, and it usually… Read more »
@Not Me: Exactly…you can’t win because the deck is stacked against you; it’s a stupid system and that is why we should try to disregard a lot of that societal crap and figure out what each of us needs and wants individually. If every single choice you make is going to be “wrong” to someone, then you might as well give up trying to please and do what makes YOU the most satisfied. 🙂 The continual striving to meet an impossible balance of “standards” is a recipe for disaster both individually and in a relationship. It’s great for making people… Read more »
L: There are times where I have verbally expressed, in the throes of frustration, the wish for chemical castration or hysterectomy or -something- that would kill all any any remaining sexual inclinations that I have. It’s a shitty place to be, wanting what you can’t have, and looking for ways to escape that want. But hey, cue someone here telling me that it’s my fault for not wanting “real” men and I deserve whatever anguish it winds up causing me. ;P But in all seriousness, I’m actually thankful that I have a very low sex drive, otherwise I’d be feeling… Read more »
feministe’s venn diagram is utterly inaccurate and if you don’t know why you oughta spend some time taking or auditing biology classes.
@L: It’s usually some variation of virgin-shaming Rather off-tangent, but it seems you can’t really win. If you don’t have sex at all, you get virgin-shamed. If you do have sex but don’t do it with most of the people of the opposite sex who are interested in you, you get bitch-shamed. If you do get involved with most of those interested in you, you get slut-shamed. If you have little to no sex mostly because no one’s interested, you get loser-shamed. Married people are mostly immune (unless they have an open relationship, in which case the slut thing comes… Read more »
Daisy, they sell ties and handkerchiefs together. As a set.
Or, alternately, sometimes people are just kind of thickheaded and hypocritical. I’ve seen people claiming that asexuals are the ones trying to repress everyone else. I just watched an episode of House (my Dad had it on) all about how asexuality is either a lie or an illness. There’s a lot of nastiness out there, and I think that might just be why. There’s a petition about that episode here that’s only 6 sigs short of a thousand. I doubt the producers/writers will actually do anything about that episode besides give some half-hearted not-pologies, but you know. It’s something. Maybe… Read more »
Or, alternately, sometimes people are just kind of thickheaded and hypocritical. I’ve seen people claiming that asexuals are the ones trying to repress everyone else. I just watched an episode of House (my Dad had it on) all about how asexuality is either a lie or an illness. There’s a lot of nastiness out there, and I think that might just be why. I think I see this happen more in practice. It’s usually some variation of virgin-shaming: “how can you know if you’ve never tried”, “you just haven’t had good sex yet”, “you just can’t get laid”, “you’re just… Read more »
I have a theory. I use theory in a colloquial way here. It’s an idea I have based on observation and hunches, not a scientifically validated set of precepts. But I do sort of think it’s true. Or at least interesting. (Also, almost certainly not original. I accept that.) Theory of hostility to asexuality: Our test subject is some person of some gender with approximately average-ish sexual desires. Let’s say ey enjoys sexual encounters with a person of eir preferred gender/s three or four times a week, with one regular partner and the occasional guest, making occasional to frequent use… Read more »
@YmcY: One of the arguments I’ve used over the years to talk myself down from suicide attempts is that I have binding ethical obligations to other people even if I personally no longer see any point to my existence. Years ago, when I was in a particularly bitter phase in my life (but not actually suicidal) I noted that this line of thinking can sometimes result in a paradox, depending on the circumstances: Something along the lines of “I shouldn’t kill myself because I have social obligations and it would harm others. Yet if it weren’t for those social obligations… Read more »
Excellent take-down post here. What really annoys me about this article, aside from everything you mentioned, is that it is somehow treated as a “revelation” that Tim Gunn has been celibate for so long. Like as if he hasn’t said a word about this anywhere before. Actually, he’s been talking about this for years now, and if the writer of that article had even bothered to do a quick google search, she would know it. AND asexuality comes up as like the 4th or 5th result, so there’s really no excuse for not mentioning it. There were several articles about… Read more »
I looooooove Tim! I heart Tim! I especially love his handkerchiefs folded just so in his pocket– they always match his ties perfectly. (Noah, are you on this exalted level?)
Seven years since I last even kissed someone of the opposite sex. Interestingly enough, with in the past few years I’ve found that there are some people out there, like me, who love sex, enjoy the thought of it, get aroused, but prefer to auto-pleasure instead of be with a partner. Now I can’t say for sure that this is true all of the time. But I will say that when I was sexually active and with a partner that was willing to help me explore and not make demands, I had the best orgasms after we had sex and… Read more »
Completely agree with your awesome graph showing the actual space between one’s body and other people’s business spheres! Twitter and email sex are just that–it only exists in cyberspace! Cyberspace is where these folks need to leave their long noses!
@AnonymousDog: My response was mostly sarcasm, because, well… I don’t have an answer to all the social implications of doing whatever the hell you want. I was just pointing out some possible sucky consequences for doing so that oven get overlooked with the romantic notion of Crowley’s “Law”, hedonism, and supposed individuality. But like I said, there are countless others who think about the subject way more than me, hence the bit about blogs. @AB: And I think there are a lot of people who’re celibate because they honestly have problems with their sexuality which honestly aren’t a choice, who… Read more »
There are times where I have verbally expressed, in the throes of frustration, the wish for chemical castration or hysterectomy or -something- that would kill all any any remaining sexual inclinations that I have. I know you’re not actually serious, but for the record: hysterectomy doesn’t work worth a DAMN to kill libido. One of my girlfriends is post-hysterectomy (no cervix, even, which startled me at first) and… yeah. Sexual inclinations evidently still in place and doing fine. Admittedly, this entire topic is one of those areas where I have to stretch my social justice muscles a little. As I’ve… Read more »
Tim Gunn has always been one of the best parts of Project Runway. I don’t care about his sexuality as long as he doesn’t harm anyone, which it doesn’t sound like he does. Though I am a little bothered that it seems like sex positivity is strictly limited to accepting the status quo of people’s sexuality. I identified as asexual when I was younger, not because I was asexual, but because it was the only group I could see myself fitting, and because it was the only way I could deal with the type of guys who… well, the type… Read more »
YmcY: “Nearly everything we do affects someone else, if only indirectly’. L: “Nobody ever thinks about the medical bills or funeral costs.eyeroll.jpg” True, but everybody wants to apply that with arbitrary exceptions for their own personal kind of risk taking. Why should people’s sexual choices, which do, in the aggregate, have indirect social costs, have more legal and political protection as ‘privacy rights’ than my choice to drive without a seatbelt? Or smoke whatever vegetation I choose, or eat whatever I want? Is it because it’s easier to attach numbers to medical and funeral bills? There is a tendency to… Read more »
@f: I had a mere TWO YEAR dry spell due to taking some time for my goddamned self to heal from a difficult relationship. My friends acted like this was some kind of Sex Emergency no matter how often I told them that it wasn’t! Me too…2+ years of what I called “time out”. I just took some time after the difficult end of something (both job and relationship and some other miscellaneous) to do some things I had always wanted to do that did not involve relationships and to focus on myself for a bit. I really enjoyed not… Read more »