Moderation note: this article is about feminists and Nice Guys ™. Please note that I will be actively deleting stupid comments.
Clarisse Thorn, Danny, and I were having a conversation on Tumblr during which I was cruelly forced to discover the existence of a feminist who, although she no doubt has many other sterling qualities that I happen to be unaware of, kind of makes me want to bang my head into the keyboard.
[She] played the victim, changed the rules, and refused to give the thing [she] had the power to give. In this case, sex.
She told me some version of: “I’m happy to have you back in my life. I don’t want to move too prematurely because we are rebuilding our relationship.” Riiiiight. What I wanted to know is what our “relationship” had to do with the sex that I needed to have right then and there.
Consent was never an issue in this interaction. It became a straw man in this blog conversation, used in a reactionary way by women who didn’t want to acknowledge another manifestation of female privilege, namely the fact that women do play power games with sex.
So she befriends you. For you, it’s the start of a beautiful friendship with tantalizing possibilities. For her, it is and will only ever be friendship, because she perceives that you are nice and non-threatening.** And that makes you friendable, but not datable, and certainly not f*ckable. Why the two are mutually exclusive is absolutely beyond me.
[These friendships] are predicated on me doing boyfriend duties without getting boyfriend benefits.
Ladies, gentlemen, and miscellaneous, I would like to present to you the legendary Female Nice Guy. I fucking told you they existed. And sexual entitlement isn’t a nicer look on feminists than it is on MRAs. Crunk Feminist Collective, it seems like we need to review some basic feminist and sex-positive talking points!
1) Sometimes people, including men, do not want to have sex with anyone.
2) Sometimes people, including men, do not want to have sex with you.
3) Sometimes people, including men, do not feel ready to have sex until the relationship is deeper and more intimate.
5) For the vast majority of people, not wanting sex with you is not some kind of complicated power game, it’s just that they don’t want to have sex with you.
6) If they are part of the tiny minority of people who refuse to have sex with you as some kind of power play, then you should count your blessings that you are not sleeping with that person, as they will probably make your life miserable.
7) Sometimes people want to be friends with you and don’t want to have sex with you.
8) You are not doing “girlfriend duties” when you talk to your friends about their feelings and secrets and have intellectual conversations with them. You are being their friend.
9) If you feel like your friend is taking advantage of you and you’re putting in more emotional energy than they are, you can talk about the imbalance in your relationship with them. If nothing changes or they don’t see the problem, you can stop being friends with them.
10) If your explanation for people not wanting to date you is “I am just TOO FUCKING AWESOME,” it is probably wrong.
Seriously, guys, men turn down sex. That shouldn’t be news to a feminist, especially not a feminist who identifies as pro-sex and an anti-sexual-violence advocate. Men are not ravening sex beasts (and even if you just perpetrated that stereotype for humor, you should really reconsider why, as a feminist, you are making jokes that perpetrate a sexist stereotype that has been used to justify the victim-blaming of rape survivors).
Also, I’m only a white person, I don’t exactly have the lived experience of racism, but “black men only like stupid women” strikes me as incredibly fucking racist.
*Also raceswap; original author is black.
**Gender-stereotype-swap; original author was complaining about being too smart.