Trigger warning for rape.
I spend a lot of time talking about rape. Seriously, my parents have started picking up on how much I talk about rape and sending me articles about rape in the judicial system and the FBI’s new definition. But one of the big problems with talking about rape is that a lot of it is just raising awareness– rape is happening, it is common, and people suffer from it. And apart from donating to RAINN it’s pretty rare that anyone tells you anything you can actually do.
Well, they do. As we’ve talked about before, there are usually two ways of talking about rape prevention: the mainstream view, which is that women (who are, of course, the only people raped) ought to avoid rape by not walking alone, getting drunk, wearing short skirts, etc; and the feminist view, which is that we ought to tell rapists not to rape. Both are ineffective in their own ways.
There’s little empirical support for the mainstream view (…anyone ever seen a, you know, actual study on the effects of clothing on rape?); it tends to lead to victim-blaming if the survivor didn’t follow the advice; it offers no help for partner rape, which is one of the most common rape scenarios, except “take self-defense classes and be ready to attack every person you know at any time”; and, well, call me a radical feminist, but I don’t think people shouldn’t have to avoid daily life activities for fear of violent assault. And the feminist view, while morally sound, suffers from the flaw that if rapists were prone to taking advice from feminists about how to have sex, they wouldn’t be rapists in the first place.
Fortunately, the world does not consist entirely of rapists and rape survivors! In fact, the majority of people are neither: about 6% of men and a probably smaller percentage of women (I am unaware of the stats) are rapists; about 18% of women and 6% of men are survivors. That leaves about 85% of the fucking population that is neither and to whom, being the majority, we ought to direct our rape-prevention advice. Which I shall proceed to do!
Don’t be that asshole. Okay, look, we are members of the Not Rapist portion of the population, yes? But that doesn’t mean that we necessarily practice good consent. Hell, even Tiny Ozy was prone to “are you suuuuuuuure you don’t want sex?” wheedling. Remember that learning good consent is a process– no one expects you to be a flawless communicator immediately, and there is no sense beating yourself up for the times you’ve used pressure to get someone into bed in the past, as long as you don’t do it in the future.
Boycott rapey shit. Sorry, Wedding Crashers, 40 Days and 40 Nights, and everything else that has decided to make “rape is fucking hilarious!” a plotline. My deepest apologies to The Misfits, Odd Future, and anyone else who is like “lol, I mentioned rape, I am edgy.” If an artist is normalizing, condoning, or apologizing for rape, do not give them money. (If you’re about to protest about how you will never be able to watch/read/whatever anything ever again, I would like to say (a) yes you fucking can and (b) dude, the Internet is right there, I hope I don’t have to teach you how to pirate shit. Also, the library is fucking free.)
The most important subset of Boycott Rapey Shit, in my opinion, is Boycott Media Made By Rapists. Yes, that means that you shouldn’t buy the DVD of Chinatown. My heart bleeds. Where you draw the line about Stuff Made By Rapists is an individual choice– I personally won’t listen to Modest Mouse— but I see no reason why we should be encouraging the careers of rapists, particularly rapists who have experienced no meaningful punishment.
Stay informed. Because, trust me, at some point you will end up in a conversation about rape! And then someone will be saying some fucking rape-apologist shit like “I totally don’t think women are asking to be raped, but she should know that there are a lot of bad men out there and not encourage them by dressing like a slut.” And if you know how to answer that (I like either “dude, why are you trying to encourage women to wear fewer short skirts? Not cool” or “People have been raped wearing all kinds of outfits– jeans, sweatpants, Elmo footie pajamas”), then you will not be stuck glaring at them and coming up with something really fucking witty to say half an hour later.
Intervene. I hope everyone here knows about the bystander effect. If you don’t, get your ass to Wikipedia and learn, because the single greatest cause of not falling victim to the bystander effect is knowing about the bystander effect. For everyone else: the most important thing is your own safety and the safety of the victim. Don’t rush in like a white knight ready to slay the dragon and actually leave everyone worse afterwards.
If you encounter someone hitting someone else on the street, you might call the police, be a witness to the violence by standing close by, verbally intervene (for instance, by asking the victim if they’re okay and need a taxi), or create a distraction. You could talk to a friend who’s emotionally or physically abusive in a private, calm moment and tell them that their behavior is not okay and they need help; be ready to drop the friendship if they won’t. If you have a friend whose relationship is showing red flags of abuse, encourage them to break up with their partner; if it has progressed to full abuse, tell them that you’ve seen the signs and that you’re willing to give them whatever help they need. If your friends are being harassing or otherwise shitty, call them out on it, distract them, or even just frown and refuse to join in. Drunksit your friends, if they need it, and help pull them out of situations where they’re uncomfortable.
One of the most common situations you’re going to get into, as a non-rapist non-rape-survivor person, is someone saying some kind of rapey comment. You know the type. The “she was asking for it”s. The “don’t drop the soap”s. The “women falsely accuse men of rape all the time”s. The “you can’t rape a man”s. The “it’s not rape if you enjoyed it”s. Thankfully, those people are absolutely never original, so you can develop a repertoire of responses. The exact strategy you use depends on your personality: I tend to go for deep, deep sarcasm (“oh, yes, I know I go out every Saturday night just begging to be raped”), flying into a feminist rage (“you said WHAT about prison rape?”), and sheer iciness (“I hope you realize that if you actually have sex with a passed-out person you’re a rapist.”).
Know how to respond to survivors. Most survivors will tell a friend or relative first; you can play a major role in their recovery, or revictimize them. Listen to them, believe them, and respect their feelings and decisions (for instance, don’t pressure them into reporting if they don’t want to). Say things like “I’m glad you told me,” “you didn’t deserve it,” “this isn’t your fault,” “I’m sorry this happened to you,” “it’s brave of you to tell someone.” Gently ask if you can help. Don’t ask questions about their situation– they’ll disclose what they feel comfortable disclosing. Accept their reactions, even if they aren’t what you’d do or they don’t fit in with how survivors are “supposed” to behave. DON’T VICTIM-BLAME– seriously, if you’d respond to a rape survivor with “well, you know, you’ll be more careful next time”, GTFO my blog.
Be a good influence. Children are the next generation of hopefully less rapey people. Teach any children you happen to know about healthy and respectful relationships– fairness, respect, dealing with anger. Model healthy relationships for them, if you can. Respect their boundaries: if they don’t want to be tickled, don’t fucking tickle them; if they don’t want to hug Aunt Marge, don’t make them hug Aunt Marge. A child still has bodily autonomy and while it can be overridden for good reasons (vaccines), avoiding some awkwardness at the dinner table is not one of those reasons.
“I know the prison-industrial complex will try and argue that it’s something the prisoners do to each other”
Except when it’s the prison staff, of course, as it often is (also, what you said).
@monkey, Finally, I think what I find most troubling about people’s attitudes towards prison rape is that it is accepted as inevitable, and by some even proper punishment. Seriously. Clear case of cruel and unusual punishment. I know the prison-industrial complex will try and argue that it’s something the prisoners do to each other, but I don’t think you get to draw fine lines between doing something and letting something happen through inaction when you’re the one forcibly holding them. If I drive you to a bombing test site, give you fifteen minutes to run away, and you die –… Read more »
@Ozy: You have a very narrow view of rape. Your “only 5% of the population are rapists” thing uses the old legal definition which is under revision [and will still be insufficient]. It’s rape if someone’s boundaries were crossed. Simple as that. And if you, as a male and ‘beneficiary’ of sex, did not bother to learn of your partners boundaries, but she didn’t say anything, it’s still rape. I also found ““dude, why are you trying to encourage women to wear fewer short skirts? Not cool”” to be super troublesome. ‘Dude, don’t [i]rape[/i] rape. Just objectify [and coerce!]’ and… Read more »
I definitely fall into the middle between mainstream and feminist (which isn’t unusual for me.) I believe that education is, as always, key. What consent is, how to receive it, how to give it, how to interpret the signs of possible sexual abuse (by either the abuser or the abused) and how to help people find the guidance and support they need (for both the abuser and the abused). Rape culture is a very real problem, and people really do need to speak up when people victim blame or make jokes about rape. People continue to do both of these… Read more »
Now this is not an very likely scenario for most humans, but what if you are responsible for debriefing the victim?
Like for an example: What if she/he was doing fine until his/her pistol jammed after the third shot and she/he tried to unjam it by pulling the slide backwards (The normal method.) while hitting the back of the slide (In some cases necessary.) would have had the desired effect?
Where goes the difference between consultative feedback and victim blaming?
As usual, Ozy makes some great points. I think that this post on Pervocracy is a great companion piece to this discussion. Especially the idea that we should “talk about consent.” Though Ozy mentions “be a good influence,” sometimes it can seem as if a good influence is someone who doesn’t do anything bad.
A real way to influence people (not just children) is to talk about the ways that consent is negotiated between you and your partners. That’s my two cents, at least.
I would be very leary of adding charges for lying to the police. We already have enough stupid cases where the police investigate someone and then said person gets charged with obstruction of justice A.K.A. lying to the police A.K.A “this person didn’t remain silent” because really, most people can’t give a perfect account of something they just saw.
So, yes people who maliciously lie about others to send them to jail should face serious charges, but I strongly suspect that without the utmost care in devising the law it would be abused.
@AB – “I’ve been told before that it is a huge injustice that a man can be acquitted for rape while the person who pressed charges is allowed to go free.”
Well, that’s at least half right. The injustice is when a claim is shown to be false and that accuser goes on with life as if nothing happened. As I have said before there is a world of difference between a a wrongful accusation and a false one. Too often they are lumped together and that is unfortunate as it clouds the issue unnecessarily.
@Jesus_marley: There is a big difference between believing someone who claims rape and assuming the guilt of the accused. Since the commenter concluded that 95% of rapes are false, I don’t think he shares that sentiment. Neither do a lot of other people. I’ve been told before that it is a huge injustice that a man can be acquitted for rape while the person who pressed charges is allowed to go free. I think a large part of the hostility towards every potential rapist is fuelled by the tendency to assume everyone who reports a rape is guilty of making… Read more »
I would note – related to the statistics that I provided, that the survey Did Not include (current) prisoners. I would guess that if they’d been included, all the rates (both male and female) would be higher, though the quantity of prisoners (related to the population as a whole) would make raising the rates substantially unlikely. We should, Of Course, take prison rape and abuse most seriously for all!
I’m having two college flashbacks here. I realize that some of the people here were in grade school when these things happened, but bear with me… The first hits close to home because there was a reported rape on my university’s campus that turned out to be false. (The woman involved had been with someone other than her boyfriend and panicked when confronted about it). This was different because no one specific was accused, but I’m guessing it made it tough for men who fit the given description. The woman was charged with mischief, which I think was fair, but… Read more »
The problem with current false reporting laws is that they often don’t differentiate between falsely claiming that a time took place (which is just wasting police time unless a suspect is found) and falsely claiming a specific person did it which should be a serious crime against the person accused
@Not Me: We already have laws to deal with that sort of thing. If it can be proven that someone made false statements for the purpose of harming another, then they can be sued for libel or slander. In some circumstances it’s possible to arrest them for perjury or obstruction of justice as well. So assuming this statement is hyperbole, there’s no “should” about it, this already happens sometimes. It just doesn’t make nearly as big of a news splash. Actually in a lot of jurisdictions, “falsely reporting a crime” or something similar is itself illegal. Unfortunately, the person falsely… Read more »
@Geo, that is a great point about including “sexual assault” in this discussion. The legal definition of rape is being improved, but it is still pretty much a mess as it only includes penetrative acts. There is a LOT of really traumatic shit that isn’t quantified in rape statistics.
“Well, they do. As we’ve talked about before, there are usually two ways of talking about rape prevention: the mainstream view, which is that women (who are, of course, the only people raped) ought to avoid rape by not walking alone, getting drunk, wearing short skirts, etc; and the feminist view, which is that we ought to tell rapists not to rape. Both are ineffective in their own ways.” This part made me go all lulz so hard when you said “who are, of course, the only people raped”. I think it’s ignorance that makes people believe we women folk… Read more »
I know this is a tad bit tangential, but here’s a story. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/british-columbia/dont-be-that-guy-ad-campaign-cuts-vancouver-sex-assaults-by-10-per-cent-in-2011/article2310422/ There is, of course, no proof that the ad campaign had as strong an effect as the headline claims (or any effect at all), but time will tell. And the gendered nature of the program is right there in the name, of course, building into the “rape is something men do to women” narrative. But still. There’s something in telling rapists not to rape. Some rapists are motivated directly by power and malice, but some probably are just rolling with rape culture, and if cued to stop… Read more »
I suggest not limiting foci upon “rape” but also include “sexual assault” in looking at what is around us and relevant to these issues. I will bring up an example which you can easily find the “source document” of related to a sexual assault connected with my (U.S.) beloved University of Wisconsin Badgers at The Rose Bowl – December 30-31st, 2011. See: http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/893901/2012_Rose_Bowl_Incident_Review.pdf . My friend C in Madison, WI, USA – where the assaulted student and assailant were both from – told me that local media initially at least made No mention of the Gender of the victim. It… Read more »
@Ozy – “To me, the Modest Mouse case fits closely enough with the profile of how the cases of some of my survivor friends went down that I am not comfortable listening to the band. It’s essentially a he said/she said case, except that the “he said” in this case has a major platform and the “she said” does not. I personally am uncomfortable with even the chance of my money going to benefit a rapist.” I’m not going to try to convince you to support MM. If you don’t want to listen to them then well, ok. Personally, I… Read more »
“rapists are not a kind of person, rape is an act that people do. ”
That is unclear. There is evidence that many-most rapists have some level of hostile sexism or entitlement, and the fact that most rapists rape multiple times.
I actually suspect that even fewer than 6% may be rapists. Study could have false positives, if subtle enough.
Ozy, can I say that if you’re going to tell rapists not to rape, maybe you shouldn’t tell off feminists for telling rapists not to rape? Not that I like that phrasing of it, because the whole point of the strategy is that they aren’t “rapists” until they rape someone. The other point (or, I guess it’s tied to the last one but more on that in a bit) is that I don’t think not giving monetary support to rapists is any kind of worth it. It’s not like you can boycott rape; the financial success of rapists is utterly… Read more »
@AB “a commenter making 2 posts about how all the “females” who falsely accuse innocent “men” should be given the sentence of a rapist in addition to being fined 10 million +” We already have laws to deal with that sort of thing. If it can be proven that someone made false statements for the purpose of harming another, then they can be sued for libel or slander. In some circumstances it’s possible to arrest them for perjury or obstruction of justice as well. So assuming this statement is hyperbole, there’s no “should” about it, this already happens sometimes. It… Read more »
A post that is extremely needed and extremely valuable! I am so pleased you included that part about telling people not to engage in the act of over-persuasion to get someone into bed! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
http://www.seattleweekly.com/2009-04-15/news/the-lie-that-just-happens/ Here’s an interesting article from April 2009. one of the more disturbing quotes from the article… “The most frequently cited major study of unsubstantiated rape charges was published in 1994, when Purdue University sociologist Eugene Kanin looked into sexual-assault reports at a Midwestern police department and determined that 41 percent were false. More recently, the Pentagon’s 2008 report on sexual assault in the military noted that of 2,700 reported sexual assaults, most from women, 39 percent were dropped as unfounded or lacking evidence. Last January, the Virginia-based American Prosecutors Research Institute published a report arguing that such studies are… Read more »
@Jesus_marley: Well said.
@Ozy: Sorry, I tried, just got which one you prefer mixed up. Also, screwed up and stuck a “her” in there at one point. I apparently just fail today. =/
Ozy: About the Modest Mouse thing: I know few details about the situation, but I don’t think it’s quite fair to say that he has a “platform” because, well, the reporter asked him and he responded. His response is a little callous, but I don’t blame him for not being charitable towards her.