Suzanne Levine, a nationally recognized authority on the choices women make as they age, writes an article for the Women’s Media Center about what she calls “the masculine mystique”:
Now, as gender roles adapt to new family values, comes a new mystique—“the male mystique,” so named by the prestigious Families and Work Institute in a recent study. It finds men increasingly stressed out by trying to achieve an unattainable standard of the perfect father, husband, and breadwinner. Just like Having It All, this mystique is an unintended consequence of a revolution in the way men and women relate to each other. Back in 2000, in my book Father Courage: What Happens When Men Put Family First I talked about men who desperately wanted to be more involved with their families and do more of their share at home but were constrained by the workplace culture and the prevailing image of how a Real Man prioritized his work and family. One told me that he was so afraid of getting caught leaving his office at 6:00 and being thought not committed to his work that he parked in a distant corner of the parking lot. Another told me that when he went to the playground with his baby daughter on a weekday, people assumed one of two things—that he was unemployed (a failure) or a sexual predator.
Since then a lot has changed. My neighborhood is full of fathers pushing strollers or wearing Snugglis or wiping a messy chin at all hours of the day and night. But the Families and Work Institute reports that they are paying a price. “The New Male Mystique” is stressing out the men who are trying to balance work and family—even more so than women, the study reports. They are finding that the new male version of Having It All is a model of masculinity that is just as oppressive as the Master of the Universe model was 20 years ago.
Nearly all men love their children and want to spend time with them. However, our workplace culture is still, all these years after the fifties, set up on a “one person works, one person stays home” model. The classic “second shift”, in which a person has to come home from a full day of work for another eight hours of taking care of the home and the children, hits both men and women. A more family-friendly workplace and more support for parents who want to take care of their children, not just their careers, is an issue that will help bothmen and women.
“And really, having a stay at home parent is so beneficial– home cooked meals with fresh meats and vegetables, a person who is not so stressed from work they find it hard to bring joy and a peaceful nature…” The assumption that the stay at home parent is going to be the one who’s less stressed out is…dubious, at best. In my experience, it’s much easier for a working parent to really cherish the time they get to spend with their kids at home, because they see it as leisure, a time to unwind and bond with the family. If… Read more »
The thing is that wanting or perhaps needing a job and having a child are both very natural conditions of being alive–things I don’t think the vast majority of people are going to stop doing any time soon. Two-parent situations where one works and one stays at home aren’t always practical-economically it can be very hard, and what about single parents? I think the culture that makes it hard to have both will be driven to be more flexible, just by the sheer number of people who are burdened by it.
“I think you’re glossing over a lot of reasons women rebelled against the set roles …”
Amen. My mother hated the isolation of being a housewife and having mostly children to talk do all day nearly drove her crazy. And the financial dependency leaves a person open to all kinds of abuses. It is about as much of a power inbalance as you can have.
“@Jim, I fail to see the connection to feudalism. A feudal military is structured in such a way where the military leadership provides not just the manpower but also the material resources and fundraising for the chain of command in exchange for civilian perks such as property rights and a captive labor force. ” Well for one thing there are the direct hisotrical connections – in both Europe and Japan, the military descends directly from feudal structures. Here’s an example of a little cultural relic; the regulatory requirement for enlisted men to request permission of their copmmanders ot marry. It… Read more »
rox: “The idea that each person needs to do an equal amount of each thing is just silly. And really, having a stay at home parent is so beneficial– home cooked meals with fresh meats and vegetables, a person who is not so stressed from work they find it hard to bring joy and a peaceful nature, more time to think creatively and empathetically about the emotional well being of everyone on the family including the kids and the working parent, more time after school to build a healthy family interaction, work on homework, or just have a strong sense… Read more »
@Jim, I fail to see the connection to feudalism. A feudal military is structured in such a way where the military leadership provides not just the manpower but also the material resources and fundraising for the chain of command in exchange for civilian perks such as property rights and a captive labor force. It works very differently from the current military’s readiness principle. Feudal kings were often much less powerful than modern-day dictators because of the decentralized nature of the Feudal system. That’s why they had so much trouble dealing with well-financed cities in the Hanseatic League and why fending… Read more »
rox, I just loved those two posts. Just loved them. Thank you.
“It’s definitely more complicated than that. Married men typically get higher salaries and use more resources (insurance) than single men while single men are expected to take one for the team and put in longer hours and handle all the last-minute emergencies.” Come to think of it, I have heard that. i wonder if there isn’t also some of the “apprentice” thing going on – hey kid, pay your dues and i’ll pay off down the line. “Look at even what you just said about your kid getting deployed when his child gets born. The military blatantly discriminates against singles… Read more »
Sorry the word conservative is loaded and can be associate with a lot of really bad stuff- So to clarify I am fiscally liberal, I am pro GLBT empowerment, I am pro compassion for issues of drug addiction and mental illness and the like, I am pro extensive social services— I just also think that ethics are important and should be talked about among people, so the fact that I think we should all have strong family centered ethics when we have families is sort of a conservative sentiment since the liberal position among a lot of my liberal friends… Read more »
Debaser— My dad was a stay at home dad. Our family functioned really well that way. When he went back to work he started living away from home in other states for over half the year (sometimes almost all of the year) and our family was horrificaly impacted. My parents were such good people and it is really hard to face that in my fathers absence, my brother and I both experienced emotional turmoil. Meaning it sucks that that happened in the face of such good intentions on the parts of my parents. Stay the course! Don’t go for the… Read more »
That’s true but irrelevant because bosses don’t normally give raises based on need, they give them based on pressure, usually in the form of a negotiation It’s definitely more complicated than that. Married men typically get higher salaries and use more resources (insurance) than single men while single men are expected to take one for the team and put in longer hours and handle all the last-minute emergencies. Look at even what you just said about your kid getting deployed when his child gets born. The military blatantly discriminates against singles by giving more money to the brown baggers in… Read more »
@Danny: Right on. Large societal role-expectations might have served a purpose once, maybe, but these days people need to design their lives and their time individually without being dehumanized for it.
AB:
Very interesting article. I’m glad to hear things are getting easier for men who want to prioritise their family. Hopefully, society in general, and workplaces specifically, will start to be more accommodating as more and more people of both sexes start wishing for more balance in their lives.
I can dig it. Its high time that the couple started deciding what work/home balance works for them instead of forcing them to abide by what society says the “balance” should be.
I fear that within our increasingly uncertain financial times, the person arguing that they need a raise is going to be the first one out the door (as usually experienced workers are). That fewer and fewer people are going to be sitting down and analyzing available jobs versus childcare costs / second car expenses / work expenses and are simply stuck with the “well, you’re the first one to get a new job, guess I’ll stay home with the kids.” My job, for example? If they want to alter your shift to suit needs, they will. Too bad if you… Read more »
Very interesting article. I’m glad to hear things are getting easier for men who want to prioritise their family. Hopefully, society in general, and workplaces specifically, will start to be more accommodating as more and more people of both sexes start wishing for more balance in their lives.
@debaser “What’s wrong with having an identity that is first and foremost a parent? What’s wrong with sacrificing work to prioritize family?” What the hell else is it for anyway, whatever job you are doing? That’s what I could never understand. My kid will be deployed when his first child is born, and it hurts. Period. They need the money but it still hurts. Duty and duty…. Story from the Sima Qian – a king had a very loyal and diligent minster. This minister discovered a plot on the king’s life and investigated very aggressively, and found that even his… Read more »
“@Jim: See, not that I disagree that women ought to try to beat pay raises out of their bosses, but it’s not as easy for women as it is for men. A man can, partly because he’s already expected to be the breadwinner, go up to his boss and demand a raise and the boss won’t think he’s a douchbag because of it.” That’s true but irrelevant because bosses don’t normally give raises based on need, they give them based on pressure, usually in the form of a negotiation. I would expect a boss in a position to give raises… Read more »
@Schala Of course, the flip side of the “you can have it all” mentality is the idea that — since it’s possible and easy to have it all — you have to do it all in order to be a good, successful, worthwhile person. Career-oriented women who choose not to have a family, or who prioritize work over family in any way, are labeled cold, uncaring, and (gasp!) manly; increasingly, women who choose to stay at home with their children are increasingly seen as unenlightened, unaccomplished pushovers. I think we’re getting to a point — at least, in some geographic… Read more »
“Why do some parents who choose to juggle both work and family assume they can have the best of both worlds without making any sacrifices to either?” Because of the “You can have it all” mindset that young people are indoctrinated into. It’s all part of girl power too. Women can be pretty and play sport, and succeed in business, all at the same time. And be good mothers who are always there for their kid, too. And good psychologists to fix problems family has. I mean come on, everybody has limits and specialties, and likes – pick some, which… Read more »
I am a stay at home dad by choice. (And no, we are not rich). IMO one parent or guardian should stay home with the kids. The problem is that economics prevents people from doing this. Today, dual income families are almost a requirement. (except if you consider the costs of day care, commuting, work clothes, etc…for many families they pay more by both of them working…never mind that they lose out on one of the the best things in life). I discussed this more over at feministcritics. And I know it’ll irk people. http://www.feministcritics.org/blog/2011/02/27/author-reassesses-%E2%80%98the-feminine-mystique%E2%80%99-noh/ “Stephanie Coontz is quoted as… Read more »
@Jim: See, not that I disagree that women ought to try to beat pay raises out of their bosses, but it’s not as easy for women as it is for men. A man can, partly because he’s already expected to be the breadwinner, go up to his boss and demand a raise and the boss won’t think he’s a douchbag because of it. Women can’t do that; if they go to the boss, the boss will think they’re bitchy (cause what are women gonna do with this money stuff, amirite?), which even if she doesn’t care directly about her reputation… Read more »
If this bit is representative, then she is pretty much nailed it. The long pole in this tent, as far as I experienced it, was the breadwinner role. This is where feminism really benefited me, becasue my ex-wife was a loan officer in a local bank during most of our marriage, and that meant that she pulled her weight in the marriage financially. It was probably outside the scope of what the author was doing to point out that the pay gap, where it exists, or if it exists, contributes to this stress around the breadwinner role. This is where… Read more »