After a five year field study, MBCowan returns to say he know how pedophiles think, what they do, and how to stop them.
I want to thank my readers for their honest feedback in correctly pointing out a series of flaws and misleading information. My original attempt to summarize certain traits with a broad brush inadvertently painted innocent bystanders! I was careless. This is my revision.
The information that I want to share was gathered in a five-year “field study” in which I lived with, worked with, socialized and shared daily therapy with hundred of sex-offenders. This information is not born of debate or ivory tower theories, but from experience, including my own journey, which I published in book form, with the blessings of those men who shared.
The basis of this disorder is trauma; the nature of it is insidious, widespread, dangerous and often subtle. A combination of behaviors in certain settings, in context, can provide a signal, a warning – a discordant note – possibly saving the innocence of a child without destroying all innocent bystanders. These are the common themes, and certainly not all offenders fit them.
Offenders often appear normal and blend into mainstream society. My intent is to shine a light on these individuals while at the same time not casting dispersion on innocent people. This is a start in prevention.
As Dr Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde, the offender flips through his own cycle of childhood in dissociative reliving of the trauma. In this state of posttraumatic stress disorder – pedophilia – the afflicted may be unaware of what he is doing. Traumatized, the behaviors are a veneer, a dishonest mask under which lay the motive of abusing. This does not remove the responsibility of his actions.
Authors Note: Statistics show us that the majority of child sexual offenders are men, and victims are girls. I challenge that. Increasing numbers of both men and women are reporting abuse by females and males. Women abusers are under-reported. Since I lack any direct experience or interaction with adult female offenders, my discussion here is entirely on the male offender. I invite contributions from everyone on how their abuser behaved so we can learn from one another.
Major Signs of Pedophiles
The target of any child sexual offender is of course children, to which the abuser must have access. It is important to note that most molestation goes on in secret, which requires that the offender isolate their victim. Before the act of molesting, the offender goes through a pattern called “grooming.”
The grooming process is an attempt to gain a child’s trust and obligation through undue attention and affection, excessive and inappropriate gifts, special favors and inappropriate privileges and money.
One of the men I met while incarcerated was Mr. Sumners. He had no adult friends or adult interests. His “little friends” were around nine to eleven-years old. Sumners rented trailers in various low-income neighborhoods where he preyed upon lonely children, luring them into his trailer for a soda to discover the newest video games and all kinds of neat pre-pubescent toys.
His need to spend all his time with children and his lack of social skills found him sparsely employed at menial tasks. Mothers of the children often told him he was a big kid himself. Gaining the mom’s confidence, his home became a playground where he entertained the neighborhood children, mostly boys, handing them porn, cigarettes and beer, while abusing them. If they told on him, he threatened he would tell on them.
The presence of a healthy adult in Sumner’s home when children were there may have prevented this. Most adults do not refer to children as “little friends” and have at least a few age-appropriate interests and friends.
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Too busy for his third wife and family, Carl spent his workday with children, and then came home at night only to leave again to volunteer at one teen event or another. Phone calls came in from teens in need and Carl ran off claiming he had a special gift with children and was the only one who could help them. On certain weekends he would take his teen daughter camping, buying her expensive equipment and clothes, letting her drive his car, just the two of them, for bonding. He was later arrested and sent to prison for rape.
One or two other healthy adults and maybe several other children accompanying Carl on his ventures may have prevented the rape, especially separating the children from the adults while sleeping. [Author note: When Carl’s second wife insisted he invest in the family and become emotionally available, he immediately divorced, admitting he had no interest in her.]
♦◊♦
Home is where the majority of sexual abuse takes place. Teddy isolated his wife by having no phone in their home and telling her she did not need a driver’s license as he drove her to and from work. Teddy, age 36, was chronically unemployed, at the beck and call of his mother, friendless and terribly needy. Tiffany, his wife, was his first date and only girlfriend, a hard working mom with a 2-year old daughter. Tiffany arrived home unexpectedly to find Teddy abusing her child.
Teddy marched himself off to therapy assuring Tiffany he would get help. He told the therapist he had a fleeting urge to touch his stepdaughter but did not touch her. The therapist invited him to return which he did not. Teddy then told Tiffany he was in therapy and all was ok. Tiffany caught him again and that was the end of it.
Not all unemployed men with mother issues molest children. Add isolation, friendless, excessively needy and a sense of “wrong” which brought Tiffany home early to the ingredients. Once caught, the abuser must leave the home immediately and the police called. The number of men I met who “went to therapy,” admitted it was a ruse to appease their spouse. The spouse attending therapy sessions with the abuser to assure the truth comes out assures accountability.
♦◊♦
Many highly educated, bright and successful men shared their stories. From engineers to ministers, a rabbi, all races and beliefs, no one is exempt from trauma. Within their home they exemplify good husbands, albeit emotionally unavailable, who sexualized their children with untoward comments and gestures, showing them porn, treating them as a spouse and a variety of behaviors, that in context, rendered a discordant note.
Families that meet together and who talk freely, share their emotions, discuss any weird feelings they may be having, or threats, and saying what’s on their mind, are less likely to fall victim to abuse. This is an opportunity to discuss good touches verses bad touches as well as boundaries. If a child states that someone did so and so, or if your child comes to you and tells you someone touched him/her, believe them you are her only hope.
♦◊♦
Due to the complexities of the human mind, there is nothing I can write that would be 100% foolproof. This article is a guide to aid you in your understanding of how abuse can occur right in front of you. I offer some suggestions as preventative measures.
Trust your instinct and honor that still small voice that tells you something is just not right. Keep alert and if you see or hear something that makes you queasy or wonder, honor that feeling. Children often tell us when something is not right. By asking and listening to what the child has to say, you may just be saving your child from that monster in the closet.
Remember, you are the first line of defense. Talk with your children and help them feel comfortable so they know the lines of communication are open. Be vigilant and aware of any changes in your child’s behavior. If you notice that your child suddenly takes a dislike to someone or refuses to go somewhere with a particular person, there may be a good reason. Ask them what is going on and respect your child’s feelings and answers. Most importantly, LISTEN to what your child is telling you and never dismiss their feelings as fantasy or just another child being a child. Together you and your child become a team and together you help keep them safe and happy. Your child does not need to be a victim of this kind of crime. I have more to say on this subject and go into much greater depth in my book.
Caveat: not every person who likes children interacts in healthy ways and enjoys their company is an offender! Consider these red flags carefully and in the context along with everything else. Do not make assumptions or jump to conclusions!
Photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography & MCBCowan
I have to admit I have not read all of this article or comments because of reading so many in the last few days. First of all I want to let you all know I am gay man, and for those of you that think all gay people are pedophiles. Well you’re wrong, I love children, and really wanted to adopt earlier in my life. I am excellent with children, and there’s no telling what I’d do if I found out anyone had ever touched my nieces and nephew. My dilemma is I have been in a relationship for twenty… Read more »
This article had to have been written by a man. Only a man would start of with something like this – . “As Dr Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde, the offender flips through his own cycle of childhood in dissociative reliving of the trauma. In this state of posttraumatic stress disorder – pedophilia – the afflicted may be unaware of what he is doing. Traumatized, the behaviors are a veneer, a dishonest mask under which lay the motive of abusing. This does not remove the responsibility of his actions.” REALLY? All pedophile suffer from PTSD and may be aunaware of… Read more »
If you are having pedophile struggles and you’re a follower of Jesus you say: Jesus I need Help. John 14:14 I don’ t want to go to Hell where you say the fire is not quenched and the worm dies not! Help! Mark 9:48 And you keep asking to you get the Help that will save you from eternal damnation in the Lake of Fire. Revelation 21:8 Jesus explains in Matthew that there will be no marriage in Heaven but we will be like the Angles. Angles do not have sexual relations with one another. God created sexual relations for… Read more »
I went to a few different sites and found the answer to my question here. My question was whether someone can be a pedophile and yet not act on it. There’s this guy I know who gives off the vibe and shows some of clinical characteristics yet I’m fairly sure he has never crossed that line. Other people have picked up on the vibe too. One flat out accused him and he was mortified. So the question becomes is a child harmed by contact with such a person? I’m glad it was brought up that there is such a thing… Read more »
By focusing on the distinction between the two types of behaviours, we are missing the real issue in that a child is being exploited whether it be through indirect and direct means. If a person is a witness to a crime, is it not their duty as a safe and moral citizen to report this crime? What is happening through such viewing is that they are supporting criminal activity and therefore, Archer, I would be interested to hear your perception and thought process as to whether you think it is a crime as I disagree with the notion that such… Read more »
“By focusing on the distinction between the two types of behaviours, we are missing the real issue in that a child is being exploited whether it be through indirect and direct means.” Could you be more specific, as I’m not sure what you mean. What are the two types of behaviors? We’ve made a distinction between offenders and Pedophiles with the distinction being that one is a behavior (or action) and the other is an attraction, not a behavior (respectively). “If a person is a witness to a crime, is it not their duty as a safe and moral… Read more »
I’ve tried typing this several different way, but I just can’t get it to come out nicely…so instead I’ll be blunt. 1) Again, Pedophile and offender are *NOT* the same thing. They do not mean the same thing. Do not use them interchangeably. It is very offensive. 2) You sound like you are saying all Pedophiles are born out of trauma. I won’t invalidate your experiences, but you write like you are invalidating mine. I’m a Pedophile, but I have gone through no trauma. I was born this way and I do not need to be ‘cured’ of it. I… Read more »
Archer, Not all pedophiles offend, you are correct. The research shows that the beginning stages are fantasy and urges, or engaging in child pornography, which lead up to acting out at a child. I appreciate your comments and admire your courage in coming forward. I also respect your not acting on your desires. I ask you, not as a challenge nor malice, how do you cope knowing that you can never fulfill your desire? Will you ever be able to marry an adult, or have an adult relationship, or must you remain alone the remainder of your life? How do… Read more »
“I appreciate your comments and admire your courage in coming forward. I also respect your not acting on your desires.” Thank you. I’m sorry if I lash out. Far too often I go searching for more information about Pedophilia only to find an unending supply of “they all just need to die” commentaries. I guess I can’t really expect to find a wealth of information, but I think I’ve become a bit jaded. “I ask you, not as a challenge nor malice, how do you cope knowing that you can never fulfill your desire?” The days when the full weight… Read more »
Archer, With all due respect, it is confusing/confounding to me that you
claim to be a pedophile who does not want to harm children at the same time that you also work with them. The guideline for pedophiles is to stay away from them; and most pedophiles who do not want to hurt them don’t want to go near them for fear they will hurt them. Also, there is the energy involved: the issue of feeding off their energy, which is an emotional and spiritual type of violation. It might help you to consider this as you review your identity.
“Archer, With all due respect, it is confusing/confounding to me that you claim to be a pedophile who does not want to harm children at the same time that you also work with them. The guideline for pedophiles is to stay away from them; and most pedophiles who do not want to hurt them don’t want to go near them for fear they will hurt them.” I understand where you are coming from, but don’t agree with the assertion that working with children will decidedly lead to harming children. I don’t know how else to respond other than saying that… Read more »
The term “pedophilia” is terribly misleading; it originally meant Child-lover. The DSM !V defines it as basically sexual attraction towards a child over so many months, and/or acting out sexually with a child. So a pedophile can be acting out or not acting out. Pedophilia is under the term Paraphilia, another misleading category for those of us who came to it under trauma. This all needs to be re-defined. The term “feeding” is used to describe a person gaining arousal through various means. A person can “feed” her sexual desires (or “get-off”, become aroused) by being near children, by interacting… Read more »
“This all needs to be re-defined.” I couldn’t agree more. “That is what I meant in my earlier statement and hope my lengthy reply is clear.” Yes, it clears up a lot if things. Do you happen to know of studies where this phenomenon has been looked at? It is an interesting idea, but I’m skeptical of how it plays out. “The term “feeding” is used to describe a person gaining arousal through various means. A person can “feed” her sexual desires (or “get-off”, become aroused) by being near children, by interacting with children, by gaining children’s approval and affection,… Read more »
I agree with the fact that you can give off a vibe or spiritual type of violation. A man my mother trusted came to work on our house I was 16 and I felt uncomfortable being alone with him in the house nothing happened except he said oh your home and was talking to me like he was curious about something questions about my mother coming home siblings etc. I decided to get out of the house and go to a friend’s place. 15 years later he is in jail for sexually offences against children.
Archer, I applaud your honesty and self-control. The world would be a far better place if more people – including the present author – acknowledged the need for just that!! Bless you for keeping children safe. (BTW- I had the same reaction to Hunger Games!)
Congratulations on your genuine efforts to bring awareness to society on the behaviours of pedophiles. I accept that most pedophiles suffer from PTSD due to childhood trauma but there are elements of nurture and nature in some of these people. Cause and effect plays a large part but does not excuse them from their own behaviour. In light of your findings would you agree that therefore all those involved in the Caring Professions are traumatized to the point of paralysis or distorted thinking due to the ongoing data that they are exposed to. I believe this to be the case… Read more »
Mrs. O’Toole, There is no excuse for abuse. The choice to act is the responsibility of the individual who has early indicators of the disorder. When I reached out for help I found a hospital in Arizona to the tune of a thousand dollars a day. There was another hospital in Louisiana (same daily fee) and a residential treatment center in Philadelphia. That was 14 years ago. Outpatient therapy on a once a week basis for fifty-minutes is insufficient for most. Overcoming denial and restoring sanity takes some doing, and daily treatment within a group setting in a confined environment… Read more »
Another wonderful article and your research is consistent with academic journals who research extensively into this area. Interesting, in certain countries the definition of Pedophilia extends to those who are role playing as a child. Would be great to define the terms in various laws and different countries. Some of our viewers may be surprised and yes …. even viewing teenagers in that form can be classified as a crime. Breaking the silence especially in the grooming phase is so crucial. Unfortunately, it’s not a very nice topic to discuss however, it is necessary in order to call the behaviour… Read more »
Casting dispersion? *facepalm* How about “casting aspersions” instead.
wellokay then, thank you for bringing up an important point – the outright need to make an ill individual into a monster. People forget that the individual performing an atrocity to a child – and it is an atrocity – is sick and yes, dangerous. But sick! He or she is someone’s mom or dad, husband or wife, brother or sister, uncle, cousin, aunt or trusted person of the family. This does not in any way soften the blow to the child, but it makes it somehow understandable and humanizes it. The disorder of pedophilia is trauma based and correctly… Read more »
The boogeyman is more than likely dad, or mom, or step-dad or grandma, maybe a coach or boy scout leader, or clergy. Exactly, which is why I think your red flags serve no helpful purpose. The boogeymen don’t stand out, because so much of the behavior you describe is shared by non-offending people, as wellokaythen illustrates. If she’d told of a her friend the clown who *had* abused kids, you’d say, “See – that’s what I’m talking about. Clowning at kids parties is a perfect way for a pedophile to meet and groom kids to abuse. Red flag!” But it’s… Read more »
Marcus, Ten-years ago we would not have seen this dialogue and open discussion. Thankfully, we see this now. I do appreciate and understand your comments. I am not attempting to circumvent you. I respect what you said. Rather than repeat myself , I stand by what I have said and published and reiterate – in context. One comment you made says it all, “I believe that has to start with people who recognize the urge in themselves being able to seek out *and receive* help” YES. They must be encouraged and supported BEFORE they act. To that end I am… Read more »
I also fear people being branded according to some kind of simplistic “duck test.” (If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck.) According to the article, the following things can be taken as warning signs of a child sexual abuser: 1. Being like a big kid yourself. 2. Spending time with or supervising kids. 3. Lack of social skills. (Geeks, nerds, and introverts, he’s talking about us!) 4. Taking menial jobs. 5. Good at entertaining children. 6. Being trusted by parents. 7. Otherwise blends into mainstream society. Know any people who have more than… Read more »
EndlessWinter, First, to answer your question as to knowing anyone who has abused a child who themselves have not been abused, no, I do not know anyone who has not been abused themselves. I asked a colleague of mine about those who abuse children and have not been abused. He believed those individuals would come under sociopathy. He is a leader in the field of sex abuse and works exclusively with offenders. Children suffer from sex abuse and an adult who forces themselves on a child is unconcerned about the child and interested in self-gratification. I have been asked about… Read more »
“EndlessWinter, First, to answer your question as to knowing anyone who has abused a child who themselves have not been abused, no, I do not know anyone who has not been abused themselves.” If there is anything you’d like to know feel free to ask. I am only one person, but I have experiences you haven’t encountered. Now that I’ve found this thread I will be checking back to answer any questions. ” He believed those individuals would come under sociopathy. He is a leader in the field of sex abuse and works exclusively with offenders.” He works with people… Read more »
I need to make this clear. When you say abused a child, I interpreted that as ‘Pedophile’ since you didn’t make a distiction anywhere. I have never abused child and am here to answer questions as a Pedophile whose upbringing is inconsistent with your model.
That’s an insult to people who ARE “nuts”. Not everyone with scizophrenia or borderline personality disorder or schizoaffective doagnosis or mani depression is a sex offender! ( What is your definition of “nuts”?…is it someone different from the majority or “norm”? Wouldn’t that include geniuses too? )
Another question: Have you ever met or dealt with any pedophiles who weren’t themselves victimized? I’m sure the pedophilia as a form of PTSD from suffering at the hands of a pedophile has significant merit, but that requires the presence of one or more “seed” pedophiles, doesn’t it? Also, do you worry about the idea of treating someone to change a paraphilia or what some might even consider an orientation (although a horribly, horribly wrong one) being used to prove that we can just “cure” people of other paraphilias and orientations (read: encouraging the “homosexuality as a treatable disease” model)?… Read more »
Artemis, The disorder begins with urges, impulses and desires. Early treatment has been effective in treating this before it becomes behavior. The first stages are fantasies which often build until the person acts on it and abuses a child. These cries for help are admirable and brave in a social environment that casts such rage at the mention of this topic. What I am finding is the more effective treatments in this are behavioral and cognitive, combined with techniques using eye movements and tapping. I agree, any person who cries for help deserves respect and proper treatment and community support.… Read more »
I have a question, slightly off topic, though dealing with non-sex-offending pedophiles. So there have been like… 2 different people, I believe, who have written in to Dan Savage confessing they have pedophilic (pedophiliac?) desires but don’t want to hurt anyone and so they have been suppressing them and they don’t know what to do. I feel these writers should be commended: you can’t always control what you are attracted to, but you can control what you do about it, and they are trying to be responsible with a very difficult and socially shamed issue. So… what do these people… Read more »
There is nothing new in this article. This is all common knowledge.
And you can’t stop a pedophile, you can only avoid them (hopefully).
Sarah, post traumatic stress disorder is experienced by those who suffer trauma. One form of trauma is sex abuse. Other forms of trauma occur by witnessing domestic violence, or being part of domestic violence. Soldiers often come home with posttraumatic stress disorder. sexual predators – called pedophiles – who have suffered trauma of sex abuse as children and untreated, carry it with them into adulthood to perpetrate. Pedophilia falls under the category of PTSD, not PTSD falling under pedophilia. You may read some of the works on this by Alice Miller, Patrick Carnes and Claudia Black. Being a victim of… Read more »
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is Paedophilia? Who do you think you are? You’ve made that up and maligned every shell shocked veteran of every conflict the world has ever seen. And this is the sensitive version? Such an opinion has NO basis in researched medicine, psychology or trauma studies and is grossly offensive to survivors of not only childhood sexual abuse but also any significant trauma. The research tells us that paedophiles will use any justification to minimise, mitigate and mask their offences, “I was a victim too” is simply another. In fact, where abuse can be corroborated, it is… Read more »
That struck me as very out of place, too, also this: “Add isolation, friendless, excessively needy and a sense of “wrong” which brought Tiffany home early to the ingredients.” her feeling something is wrong and coming home early was a factor ?
I can see why you would feel that way MB. Why would a God if he exists let evil like this happen? There is a reason. There is a reason why these things are happening. I know there is a true God and he exists.
Look at this. A Teacher. Joan Angela D’Alessandro murder 4/19/1973 Hillsdale, NJ *Joseph McGowan was convicted of her rape and murder; sentenced to life in prison* Joan Angela D’Alessandro Joan was a 7-year-old Brownie Scout, who was murdered while out delivering Girl Scout cookies. Her killer, Joseph McGowan, who raped and killed her, was a chemistry teacher. Yes, a teacher. Unbelievable. Joan’s mother, Rosemarie D’Alessandro has worked tiredlessly since then to make the world a better place for children. She worked to get Joan’s Law passed, which makes life in prison the punishment for those who kill children during a… Read more »
Daisy, you have more courage than I to read it. Remember, this is not love. It is abuse. It is not Godly, if anything, just the opposite. Thanks for sharing this as we need to bring it all to the light.
mbc
I am currently reading about Warren Jeffs and the FLDS, and how a whole culture can develop around pedophilia, a lot like the priests who covered for each other, or signaled to each other where the safe dioceses and parishes were. Men stay in the FLDS for this reason, its what you might call a “major draw”–I didn’t realize before what a self-selected group it was, and how the men bond with each other over the swapping of sisters and daughters. Really gross, I can only read it in shifts. One story stands out, though, about one of the women… Read more »
Hi Daisy,
It makes one wonder why this was allowed to happen. Was this the Mormons?
Well, they own the joint., is how. The FLDS is the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints, book is titled: Answer Them Nothing: Bringing Down the Polygamous Empire of Warren Jeffs http://www.amazon.com/Answer-Them-Nothing-Bringing-Polygamous/dp/1569765316 And the maddening thing? All these wives and kids are supported by welfare fraud, which means me and you are supporting them! Ever see “Big Love”? Closet polygamists are in the “respectable” Mormon church and in the Utah govt. They cover for each other, and they have the power to OUT anybody who messes with them. (Jeffs got cocky and alienated some of his comrades, is basically how they brought… Read more »
Isn’t religion a wonderful place to hide? Call it “religion” and off you go! The polygamist Mormons are practicing multiple adult wives, I think that was the original intent. Adults! Maybe a Mormon reader will provide for input. Religion of any creed is often twisted to cloak and justify abuse.
I think we should keep in mind that not every person who molests a child is a pedophile. Some people are purely opportunistic or do it for some other reason. For example, my aunt did what she did out of anger towards men. She generally has no interest in being around men or boys. A survivor I spoke to years ago told me that his uncle raped him as a form of punishment and humiliation, and otherwise did not touch him. I have read about people who abused their own kids because their spouse or partner would not have sex… Read more »
Jacobtk – thank you for bringing this up. The uncle who raped him “to punish him” derived sexual pleasure from it, and pretended it was “punishment.” Rape is all about power and control and anger. Adults who molest their children are child-molesters, otherwise the spouse would seek adults for sexual pleasure. These are the usual excuses made by pedophiles. The angry aunt derived sexual pleasure, justifying it. In the same light as priests blaming their child abusing on celibacy, the truth is they would seek sex with adults, not children. I think you are showing us how families stay in… Read more »
You missed his point. All pedophiles are child molesters; anyone who molests a child is a child molester, but not all child molesters are pedophiles.
Elissa, think how many live in the delusion and suddenly they see it – auntie is a child molester, uncle Butch is a child molester. That is very very painful to see, yet, until we see it, we unknowingly perpetuate it by living in delusion. Grandpa was exposing himself! Then, the entire family can get some long needed help.
mbcowan
MBCowan, as Elissa noted, I think you missed my point. Not every person who sexually abuses a child is sexually attracted to children. Sometimes they offend for reasons, and the characteristics you noted in your article might not apply to them. People may overlook those who offend out of anger, jealously, or as a result of drugs because they do not give off the warning signs people expect to find. This is particularly true in cases where people abuse out of the opportunity to do it. Some cases of institutional sexual abuse happen simply because no one is there to… Read more »
Jacobtk has a good point. Even *sexual* abuse of a child is not necessarily due to a sexual attraction towards a child. People sexually abuse other people for a variety of reasons, and it doesn’t always boil down to an overwhelming sexual attraction. In many cases of rape, the crime is more about power or punishment than it is about the attacker getting off, insofar as those two things can be separated. A male prisoner who’s raped by another male prisoner is not necessarily getting raped by someone who has a powerful attraction to men or who can’t control himself.… Read more »
In response to emails – the title of my book is The parent’s Guide to Protecting Children From Pedophiles, mbc, available at most bookstores or Amazon in ebook or paperback. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004G09100
thanks
Laurie if you really look at mbcown’s comments above: See some of it here : (The old statistics showed that 1 in every 3 girls were molested or raped and 1 in every 5 boys. That is 33% of the female population and 20% of the male. Newer figures are higher and reflect 70% of all females and 50% of all boys.) Saving children from abuse can only occur when information is made available. This is a touchy topic for many. He is not in anyway denying that females are not abusers? Mbcown is in NO WAY denying this. He… Read more »
you should get counseling to help you through this
What if you can’t? What if the counselling/crisis service in your area laughs at you or calls you a liar when you DO try to get help? Why would you report to authorities when the perpetrators are always set free anyway? Why would you tell anyone when you’ve seen that similar victims – if they are believed to begin with – are always publically and socially mocked and derided?
gwallan, thus you speak the deep fears of many victims. The fear of disbelief and the retaliation of the offender, being further punished and blamed and mocked. You are not alone. That is why many state laws demand anyone who suspects child abuse is mandated to report. It is the law in Tennessee. Any mental health professional who says you lie or who laughs at you when you mention abuse is unqualified to be in the profession and should be reported to the licensing board. There are many qualified licensed professionals who will hear you and help you. And this… Read more »
It’s not easy as you think Mbcowan. Take a look at me: Bullied and hurt by not only boys and men, but girls and women. I only find articles and information on boys bullying boys, boys bullying girls, girls bullying girls. NOTHING, except one outdated article, on girls that bully boys. My article here on the subject “Bullied By Girls And Women: One Man’s Account” is THE ONLY ONE that addresses this. I can only imagine what it’s like if a male survivor were sexually assaulted or raped by female. “Presently, perps are not so quickly set free unless there… Read more »
I should mention, one time at work, we had a parent over talking about her daughter being bullied by girls in school. She said “Girls can be so cruel to girls”.
I add, in passing, “They can also be cruel to boys as well.”
You know what followed?
Silence. From her and others. Then she said “um…” and that was it.
So you see what I’m up against? You see what male survivors are up against?