Instead of telling men how they should learn to heal and protect themselves from sexual violence, Gary Foster says maybe we should ask them.
Originally posted at 1in6.com.
“If you wanted to get a message out there in relation to helping men who have been sexually abused, what information would you want put out there?”
This was my question to a group of men who attend a monthly support group in Brisbane, Australia. The group is part of a service designed to assist men sexually abused in childhood, their partners, friends, family, and service providers.
I was stuck; I had agreed to contribute to this blog and just didn’t know what to say. That’s not because I couldn’t think of what to say, it was just that there is so much I wanted to say. I wanted to try and convey some sense of the extent of the problem and the particular difficulties men face. I started writing and paused for a breath at 1500 words. That’s when I hit on the idea of asking the men what they wanted said.
The men I consulted first came together in September 2011 for what was originally planned as an eight-week group and has now morphed into a monthly support group.
By including below what the men had to say, I don’t want to create an illusion that speaking about sexual abuse and what they believe is important is something that has come easy for the men providing comment. Going to a group is not for everyone and getting through the door on the first night was, as one man said, “five times harder than individual counselling.” Even though in the group we emphasized taking it slow and participating only as much as they feel comfortable, at times it is still tough work.
The feedback men have provided is that they welcome having some structure, a check-in, and a “flexible” plan with designated topics that prioritize safety and self-care. The men report that they appreciate room to discuss the day-to-day pressures they face as men, practical ideas about how to deal with memories of the abuse, unhelpful thoughts, behaviours and sometimes overwhelming feelings. Additionally, they talk about taking time to examine the silencing tactics of sexual abuse, options for telling others, and the challenges of building good relationships. Most of all, the group members appreciate talking with each other and being there for each other.
The group was a struggle in the beginning, however, around the mid-point things started to change (some men chalked it up to my finally purchasing the barbecue—“a men’s group needs a barbecue,” one man insisted). As the men started to relax and get to know each other, more light-hearted comments began to be included alongside the serious stuff. Group members started to gently joke with each other about choices in relation to sport, cars, and in one instance a group member’s struggles to put together unassembled furniture when they had instructions in front of them: “Didn’t anyone tell you men don’t read instructions?”
It was about week five that questions were asked like “What are we going to do when the group ends?” and “Is there going to be follow up group?” What was interesting is that the same men said that if I had advertised a twelve week group, they wouldn’t have signed up because twelve weeks sounded way too long. So, as a result of their insistence (and fortunately for me) we now have monthly support group and this is what they said they wanted:
- It is real, it happens to men.
- We need information out there that tells how child sex abuse affects men, along with some useful, better ways to cope and manage.
- We need to support agencies that deal with this stuff and they need to be out there talking about this stuff in helpful ways and giving us hope.
- Tell them that when I couldn’t find anything for men that it made me feel even worse.
- We need safe groups where you can say what you want to say without feeling judged, because this was done to you and it is crap.
- We need information out there on the “gender stuff” that talks about the pressures men feel to manage on their own, that the whole “being a man” stuff impacts on how we respond and understand being abused.
- The reality is that we are from all walks of life and we were innocent kids, we need help wherever we are at in life, young, old, middle aged, working in business, on the farm or in construction, in or out of relationships.
- We need people to understand the courage and guts it takes to come forward when it’s all stacked against you!
- We need people to step forward and speak up and get involved. It’s not just a question of opening a door and expecting men to walk through; it requires someone reaching out to engage men, to put in the time, to help us get the support and better tools to live life.
The above list reminds me of how much work there is to do.
In being invited to contribute to this blog, I feel some pressure to say something insightful to wrap things up. However, I just think the men I consulted have said all that has to be said. Thanks guys.
Photo credit: Flickr / Peter Alfred Hess
Keep up the great work guys, time to destroy the myths!
We need people who actually believe it happened, or don’t diminish it when it does because we happen to be the “wrong” gender.