According to Cecil Murphey, when survivors ask “Why am I not ‘better’ yet?” they are asking the wrong question.
This was originally published at 1in6.org.
“Why haven’t I worked through all these issues? Why am I still not healed?” Most of us survivors ask ourselves that question many times. “I’ve been on this journey for five years. When does it end?” Those are the questions we ask on our worst days.
On our better days, we examine our lives and remember where we started. In those self-reflective times, we admit we’ve come a long way. A friend said to me, “In those depressing times when you tell yourself that you ought to be farther down the road, you’re probably more healthy than you know.”
Maybe he was correct, but it doesn’t stop us from asking the question. Why not? Why not?
For myself, I can say this. I keep discovering the insidious consequences of my sexual abuse. It’s a good thing I didn’t recognize all the effects in the beginning, or it would most likely have overwhelmed and immobilized me. In my darkest moments, it seems as if the healing takes place one day at a time, or perhaps even slower—one small step a year.
I’ve jokingly said, “If I’d known in the beginning that this would be such a hard, painful journey, I probably wouldn’t have started.”
In my early days of grappling with the issue, I felt that way because the feelings were too intense, and too brutal. But now I add, “I’m glad I struggled and fought. It’s been worth re-experiencing the pain. I’ve learned more about myself. I’ve not only accepted who I am but I honestly like the person inside me.”
Here’s something I say to myself regularly, I am not quite healed; I am a healing-in-progress.
Cecil Murphey is the author or co-author of more than 100 books including 90 Minutes in Heaven, which was on the New York Times’ best-seller list for five years. He is also the author of When a Man You Love Was Abused.
Photo credit: Flickr / jcneto
Thanks for all that you, Cecil Murphey; I get your blog posts as emails and each one helps or at least makes me think. Your writings comfort without pushing, teach gently without overwhelming. You give me hope.
Last week I was treated with EMDR, which is a form of psychotherapy using eye movement to desensitize and reprocess memory. It helps people who have experienced trauma-related disorders, such as rape and military combat. “The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering influence and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms.” For those still plagued by current or past trauma, I think It’s worthwhile to look into and find a certified EMDR specialist near you. It should help speed up the healing process. Having a memory can be such a bad thing;… Read more »
I, as a survivor of child molestation, have also done EMDR. And it helped me put some pieces together of my story and I have felt more at peace because i was able to reprocess what happened in a safe environment. Seriously, look into it
“I’ve been on this journey for 5 years…when does it end?” I try to channel my grief and anger and rage into karate and making karate videos on youtube….sometimes just writing about what happened or expressing my feelings in writing isn’t quite enough…. I also stay very busy at work (I work with young people so I am vigilant advocate for the protection of children against abuse which is gratifying…who else can spot abuse better than someone who has been through it already?)….and watch over my kid and his friends…. It’s like climbing a mountain…I think it’s not really about… Read more »
I think it’s not really about getting to the top…
That’s what it seems to be to me (and I say it that way because I’m not an abuse survivor). Listening to other people it seems that its not about getting to the top of the world or anything that grand but rather its about not being consumed by the pain/trauman/anger of the abuse. In short “don’t let it beat you”.
Sometimes I feel like suicide is probably the only real way to reach recovery. Other days I try hard to remember that “broken” is a value judgement.
I’m so glad you didn’t take that path Bob-O. I’ve been suicidal (but not over abuse mind you) and in the end I managed to decide that suicide is not the way out and that it would be the true end of the line.
Well, I haven’t taken that path *yet*. I still reserve the right to do so.
I ask myself this all the time. After lots of time and therapy, I am still dealing with those issues.