I write about health, fitness, and mindset… Is it my job to talk about politics? -Absolutely not.
Is it my civic duty? -Maybe.
Does the state of things today deeply trouble me? -Yes.
Are interpersonal relationships that matter to me suffering? -They are.
Am I doing my part to make my relationships as strong and healthy as is possible if I leave politics out of the discussion? -No, I’m not.
I think it’s a safe assumption that across the United States almost all of us have at least one person in our lives who disagrees with us politically. This has always been the case, long before the current state of things. Many of us have heard it or said it at least once in the past few years: “I just don’t talk about politics with them”. The ‘them’ in that phrase may be referencing a family member, friend, or perhaps a colleague. But generally, if that phrase needs to be said, it is in reference to someone in your life who is close enough to you that you mutually felt this ground rule needed to be made in order to keep the peace.
It’s also likely that the need to set this boundary arose from at least one discussion with the other party that got out of hand. We’ve all been there… the flippant comment over dinner or happy hour about a political figure or situation that immediately triggered someone else at the table. The next thing you know voices are raised, epithets of political extremism are being vitriolically thrown across the table, someone gets up and leaves only to not speak to the others for at least a few days… that is until you synch back up, agree that things ‘got out of hand that night’, and say ‘hey, let’s just not talk politics anymore and we’ll be good.’
This solution may resolve the immediate issue of your spouse not wanting dinner ruined, but it leaves you deeply unsettled and questioning… is this really someone I can be around if we see things so differently? And what is the point of our relationship if we can’t talk about things that are important to us? And how long can this go on before one of slips up and brings up CNN or Fox news again and the entire cycle repeats? Sitting with those questions and that stress in a personal relationship is exhausting.
Like I said… the “I just don’t talk about politics with them” mentality is hurting America. Let’s face it, there are people we disagree with. Things are heated right now… in some parts of the country, things are so heated that they’re literally on fire. But fixing it doesn’t start at the top. It starts right here… with you and me. It starts with the people at your kitchen table. Because that is where the divide is being manifested at a level that impacts our day to day lives. I’ll be honest, I’m a well to do middle class guy with a good job and a couple side hustles… tax policy is unlikely to impact me in a way that’s going to profoundly impact my life. But fights with family members, close friends, and colleagues… that impacts me. And it is time I do something about it.
So, what are we afraid of? I think that if we use some conversational strategies to actually open up these dialogues with those who have opposing views as us, that we might find more common ground that we thought. Here is where I would start…
Get Rid of All or Nothing Thinking
Is every liberal a tree hugging socialist who wants to give away the farm? Unlikely. And is every conservative a gun slinging racist who wants to deny you healthcare? Also, unlikely. But I guarantee you that those descriptions triggered you to some degree. It’s ok. I got triggered just writing it (and it came from my own brain).
The sheer absurdity of these fringe outlooks on the extreme of either party is laughable when written out like this. But let’s be honest… how many times have you arbitrarily bucketized someone in the past few years just because you found out who they voted for? I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been guilty of this exact behavior.
And what happens when you accuse someone of something offensive? They get defensive. I know I do… I hate it when people make inaccurate and offensive assumptions about me simply because of a surface level observation.
Healing begins with removing all or nothing assumptions about our fellow humans just because of a voter ballot. But getting rid of all or nothing thinking is far easier said than done. Particularly when we are so far into this mess that cities are literally burning. So how do you dig beyond the stereotypes and find an individual’s real why? Afterall, things are pretty bad right now.
Dis-entrench Your Opinions (Or At Least Give Them Context)
You know what everyone has nowadays? A political opinion… and generally we are so strongly entrenched in the correctness of our opinion that it automatically precludes someone of opposing view from having a place at our table. We are so pre-conditioned by the divisiveness of the world around us to immediately start yelling the moment someone disagrees with us, that we rarely (if ever) stop to just listen. This holds particularly true in an age of social media warriors with a seemingly infinite amount of triggering content to be posted. This content is generally lacking any clear context or deeper understanding behind the posting party’s ‘why’.
And believe me, I get it. I have some strong opinions about what’s going on out there. I frequently catch myself making crack judgements and offering up half-baked responses simply because I ‘know’ my opinion is right. Well by definition, an opinion can neither be right or wrong. So, what to do?
Dig Deep and Ask Why
The most disarming thing you can say to someone who disagrees with you politically is ‘will you share why do you feel that way, dude?’ Go ahead, try to scream fascist or socialist at someone who calmly and authentically wants to know your personal ‘why?’ Remember the context piece? You may have a conservative who hates big government that has legitimate context to why they feel that way. Or you may have a liberal who truly believes in government sponsored healthcare for reasons that you could never fully understand unless you take the time to ask.
I learned something just a few weeks ago speaking with someone very close to me who used to work for the Bell System Phone company back in the ‘80’s. I’ll spare you the details, but the long and short of it is that they helped to build what they perceived to be one of the most state-of-the-art telephone systems in history and that system was dismantled because big government claimed it was a monopoly. As a result, that individual spent the rest of their career working for a smaller localized phone company who was never able to deliver the quality of phone service that the larger entity could… in their eyes, big government damaged innovation and disassembled something that they had helped to build with their own two hands.
Do I agree or disagree with governmental control of monopolies? I won’t answer that question because it’s not the point of this article. The point is that by getting context, I was able to gain an understanding of why this individual sees certain aspects of our government the way they do. Suddenly a conversation opened up that would have never been possible if I just assumed this person had it out for poor people.
The moment you take the time to listen is the moment you gain insight into what is really driving someone’s motivations and feelings.
Ok, I Put My Own Bias Aside and Listened, and This Person is Just Clearly Insane
All of this isn’t to say that there aren’t people out there who legitimately sit on the fringe (I think we saw it this past week). And it certainly is not me excusing some of the truly despicable and troubling behavior and rhetoric I’ve seen as of late. If someone is clearly stuck in a cycle of misinformation and unwilling to have a bi-lateral conversation, then the above tactics will fall on deaf ears. The paradox of tolerance applies here. It states that in order to maintain a tolerant society, the society must be intolerant of intolerance. The society’s ability to remain tolerant will eventually capsize to the intolerant.
In that case I argue that the rule of law has to prevail. There needs to be accountability for violence, destruction, blatant disregard to our laws and social contracts in order to maintain a safe society for us all to live within. We can’t have these conversations meaningfully with someone who is busy storming a federal building. But doesn’t the fact that it’s come this far mean that it’s more important than ever to talk about it?
To take this a step further, there are certain ideologies that have no place at my table: racism, misogyny, sexism, fascism, bigotry, and hate… just to name a few. But my guess is that if you actually take the time to ask that friend or family member at your table why they feel the way they feel, it’s unlikely that their ‘why’ includes any of the aforementioned ideologies.
This is How We Heal
If you know me on any level, then you likely know where I sit on the political belief spectrum. But this article isn’t here to tell you which side of the aisle to sit on. That’s exactly what got us here in the first place.
The issue at hand is that the left has become hostile to the right and the right has become hostile to the left. This is exacerbated in the media and on social media, which have become synonymous with making differing viewpoints seem alien or hostile, while simultaneously making shared viewpoints seem like the only people who you could possibly connect with. It creates a dichotomy in which we do not dare violate the boundaries that are put up between ideologies. As a result, we refuse to extend the benefit of the doubt to someone who sees things differently than us (even if they potentially have some reasonable ideas to share). However, if you are willing to extend the olive branch and allow someone with a different perspective to articulate why they are feeling something, it may be rewarding. By pure virtue of having extended the empathy to hear what someone else has to say you may walk away feeling more grounded.
We are divided. We are fighting with our families, with our friends, with our colleagues, and with our neighbors. I know I’ve had moments with friends and family that I wish had unfolded differently. We’ve seen riots in the streets, and we’ve seen an attempted coup on the United States government. The thought that Joe Biden, Donald Trump, or the United States Government is going to heal this divide is laughable. These issues existed long before Trump or Biden came on the scene and will exist long after they leave. We heal from the ground up and it starts with you and the person sitting at your table, who doesn’t see eye to eye with you, actually having this conversation.
Joey Szolowicz is a Lifestyle, Nutrition and Health Blogger and Vlogger. For weekly tips join, his community here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jacob Morch on Unsplash