“We wanted him to be proud of who he was and of his ethnic background, while having agency to discover and express his thoughts and feelings.”
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I write a lot about relationships, which have been pretty much my bread and butter for the last couple of years. Intimate relationships blow my mind… I wondered, how is it possible, that stereotypes, structures and relationships of power determine the kind of people that can or cannot date without losing a piece of my identity?
Throughout my dating months, I came to better understand the ways in which heteropatriarchy manipulates, hurts and marginalizes some men, particularly men of colour, as well as gay, bisexual and Trans men. Heteropatriarchy, as Andrea Smith notes, is the way in which society is organized around gender binaries, but places maleness at the top of the scale while making heterosexual and monogamous relationships the only legitimate form of intimate relationships. Also, let’s make it clear, heteropatriarchy and capitalism go hand in hand.
While I had men who exoticized me as a woman of colour, who made out of me the “hot Latina girl,” who threw homophobic, sexist and racist lines here and there, or who treated me as a novelty being a Muslim who dates, I also got to see male fragility through different lenses.
Many of the men I dated were second-generation Canadians, men of colour and men of religious minorities. And as much as we can talk about the crisis of masculinity among the men I dated, many of these men seemed to be trapped in between two (or more) worlds. Some of them struggled to comply with their communities’ ideas of masculinity, while others even faced religious backlash for not fitting the cookie-cutter archetype. Many also found it hard to reconcile cultural and religious ideas of masculinity with the ways contemporary white-Western masculinity is expressed in Canada.
When we talk about “patriarchy” and “masculinity” we tend to make them singular terms, as if there was one patriarchy out there chasing after everyone or as if there was one archetype of masculinity across the globe. The reality of things is that these two terms are much more nuanced than that. And among immigrant communities, this is often noticeable. As an immigrant, one is not only navigating the patriarchal practices of “back home,” but also those of the specific group one may belong to in one’s country. Also, we face the pressures of assimilation, integration and discourses of multiculturalism, which include its own heteropatriarchal practices.
While dating I heard things like “I make $$$ annually,” “I got this super fancy job,” “I have x car,” “I own a house,” “I am a doctor…,” “I am accomplished…” things that are stereotypically said to attract women. But I also met a bunch of men whose notion of self was threatened by women like me who, perhaps thanks to some of the battles that feminists have won, have managed to achieve certain level of economic, social and political independence.
Among these men there was also a question of, “If I end up with someone like you, who am I?” The balance between identity, traditional heteropatriarchal values, agency, independence and self-sufficiency seemed to be causing more than anxiety to a few to the men I was seeing. In turn, I was made to believe that as long as I could not massage male egos in different ways, I would not find anyone.
But beyond my own experiences dating men trapped in between worlds, issues of masculinity in Western societies concern me at a deeper level. I have a little brother, who was born in Canada to an immigrant family. And I am not saying that like people say that we should care about women’s rights because they are “mothers, daughters, sisters and wives.” I care about his relationship with masculinity not because he is related to me somehow and I feel I own him, but because since he was born my family had to fight for his right to have options and to actually redefine what being a cissexual boy means for him.
Despite everything, as a second-generation Mexican-Indigenous kid, my brother has been privileged in many ways. He lives in a middle-class neighbourhood, has access to school and my parents do not often struggle to make ends meet. But as a boy of colour, he has had a few interesting experiences.
While he was little, my parents decided to raise him in a somehow less gendered manner. He wore pink since he was a baby, he was encouraged to play with all children, and “boy toys” or “girl games” were not allowed. He was never told “boys don’t cry” or “boys don’t play with dolls.” The hope was that he would be able to develop his own sense of self in an environment that was safe(r) and not bounded by social pressures of “boyhood.” But as soon as he went to school, we realized how difficult it would be.
My brother had classmates that had a very good idea of the social norms surrounding boyhood. They questioned him for wearing pink because that is a “girl’s color;” they tried to bully him into playing guns and soldiers (a game that is not only gendered, but violent in nature); and started teaching him the ropes of “boyhood” by gendering the girls, who were said to be “sensitive,” “fragile” and “weak.”
At the same time, he was challenged in the playground by kids who enjoyed the fighting, even when he was always taught that hitting others was a no-no. The kids also used racial differentiation to define my brother’s boyhood. There was the one day that one of his classmates told him that he was not allowed to date this one girl, because she was white and he was not… my six-year-old brother came home asking what dating was? And why did it matter what colour he was?
My brother was set straight at home very quickly when all these things happened and he would participate or join in. But setting him straight also meant having a conversation about masculinity very early on in life. We wanted him to be proud of who he was and of his ethnic background, while having agency to discover and express his thoughts and feelings. We also wanted him to learn all these things from a perspective of consent.
But this is a great challenge. As immigrant families we are not only fighting stereotypes, racism and discrimination, but the imposition of many values that are not ours and that are not healthy for our children, such as the glorification of violence in relation to masculinity, the hierarchy of masculinity based on race and the assumption that consent is a non-issue when it comes to boys.
Going through the dating process brought up many of these concerns back to my mind. My brother is now a teenager. He is very socially-conscious for his age. Yet, I know there is so much he will struggle with.
Sometimes I wonder if helping my brother navigate patriarchies is the skill that he needs, or if feminist education is enough? Often I also have the instinct to shield him from impositions of masculinity, but I know that whether it is today or tomorrow, he will have to face them at some point.
Hence, boys need to hear about these conversations early on. They need mentors who resemble their experiences and can help them navigate society. Similarly, as immigrant communities, we need to engage on conversations about heteropatriarchy and the ways these structures put our children at odds with their identity, their experiences and their own feelings. And as feminist people, women, men and non-binary folks, we need to be more proactive in addressing these issues from perspectives of race, class, heteronormativity, and the alike from early on.
Photo: Flickr/Afganisatn Matters
G, The evidence we have demonstrates differently though, it demonstrates that the lack of fatherly participation is the crux of the problem…and we’ve known it for a very long time. David Blankenhorn told us this well back in the 90s with his book, Fatherless America. Rosalind Miles did so well before then, in the 80s, with her book, “love, sex, and death, the making of the male. Warren Farrell, Hoff-Somers, Sam Keen, Robert Bly and a myriad of others have been telling us for years and years, but we still turn a deaf ear, still blame masculinity, still buy into… Read more »
DJ, as usual, your response amazes me. Now only if G would respond?
DJ, I agreed about men having the odds stack up against them in court and in the educational system. John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and Bruce Willis have play a huge influence on how a man should act and that is a fact. When was the last time, one of John Wayne’s character ever resolve a problem without using force? “cowboys would be one (where he taught boys how to be men, to stand up for themselves, but only as a matter of honor). Sands of Iwo Jima, depicting what it is like for men in battle, and how his strength… Read more »
“We know that trying to indoctrinate people to put others before themselves is not the way to go.” There is nothing wrong with putting people before self. The problem is when the other people take advantage of other people’s goodwill and not reciprocating that goodwill and reaping all the benefits from it and giving nothing back. ” Men that are burned out by selfish dominating women, have no will of their own, and expected to find salvation by just throwing in with women even more because they were taught that women can’t possibly be selfish, abusive, or wrong (that’s what… Read more »
Many boys are raised by fathers; however, some of the boys end up being gentle, empty, timid, unable to defend themselves from bullies and both toxic women and men because their father did not take the time to help them or the fathers themselves did not want their sons to stand up for themselves because the fathers would lose mental control over them. John Wayne masculinity to me is the worst kind of manhood where men are not allowed to have a full range of emotions and Intellectualism is not encourage let alone support. “Being taught by strong, dominating women… Read more »
I agree, the last 36 years feminism has had a major impact on men where they have clearly sold out the male population for the sake of advancing women’s issues. They completely left men behind in the dust..
You mention John Wayne … he was from a completely different era before the 36 years.
John Wayne was from a different era, yes; however, the characters he played has been a powerful influence on how American males should act. You also have powerful men who left other men in the dust as well for the last 36 years. Othewise, we would not have problems where men are struggling with low wages, little or no benefits, no job security, and no future for themselves and their kids.
There is no crisis in masculinity, but that of societies deciding for us what we should be. Replacing patriarchal dogma with feminist dogma is not the answer either, but rather the building men from a female perspective…which is just as dangerous for the male as building females from the male perspective. Wearing pink is not the answer (I’m laughing here), and it will do little more then subdue what he needs to be. Raising boys from a female, or worse, a feminist perspective, believing that we are not different, but just women with a penis, is the worst possible road… Read more »
DJ, that’s an article within itself. Great job explaining that which we have tried over and over again to let people know the reality of all of of this. Goes back to what you said in a response to another article … “listen” to what men are saying. I don’t remember, and I am old enough, back during the feminist heydays that men had ANY input in the development of women. But now it appears that women have every right to dictate where men should be going with their lives. “Iron sharpens iron” … men and boys don’t learn how… Read more »
We clearly have a couple of generations now, where boys have been raised in fatherless homes, yet there is NO ACCOUNTABILITY as to how and why these kids are screwed up other then to blame the men that weren’t even present. This baffles me. We have generations of kids growing up without fathers and instead of looking into why those fathers aren’t there it is assumed that the fathers willfully abandoned ship when that is nowhere near the full story. But as soon as those kids do wrong its oppressive to call out the mothers that pushed the fathers away… Read more »
…and that, Tom, is also an essay unto itself. You are correct also in that our boys need us, not in the funny papers, but in everyday life, showing them a better way. Women can be involved in this. They are, and I want them here. I love them and I want that balance because we effect them as much as they effect us. I want that balance, but as you suggest, what they cannot do is define it for us. Had men defined the women’s liberation movement based upon male need, women would still be in the kitchen, or… Read more »
..and absolutely, “Iron sharpens Iron”.
There is no crisis in masculinity, but that of societies deciding for us what we should be. Replacing patriarchal dogma with feminist dogma is not the answer either, but rather the building men from a female perspective…which is just as dangerous for the male as building females from the male perspective. Agreed. Masculinity itself isn’t really facing a crisis but there is a huge conflict over who gets to decide what masculinity is. Masculinity has been based in traditional values that do more harm than good to men. Feminism seeks to redifine masculinity in a way that encourages men to… Read more »
Absolutely, Daniel…and sometimes that must be done with a big of anger so as to achieve that goal. Nothing wrong with male anger, regardless of what we’ve been told about villainy and oppression. Justified anger is justified. Accountability is not hate, but accountability. Expressing such as a means of demonstrating injustice is not at all a negative, but a positive. Venting relieves pressure and that pressure has to be released or we also stand a very good chance of having our movement stolen by the sick, lame, and lazy, just as the women’s movement was stolen by angry gender fems,… Read more »
This is the only part that in what you said, that I have trouble with. “Masculinity has been based in traditional values that do more harm than good to men.” I can’t see where traditional values do/did harm. especially if a man chooses those values for his life. Personally, I have chosen those values and have been happily married for 41 years, raised a couple of good kids. Have a daughter who chose a husband who maintain similar values. None of those values caused harm to me because they are values that I’ve chosen for myself. I struggle with demonizing… Read more »