Hello Singles! I’m a 50+ single woman and I have been dating internationally (and long-distance) via an app (OKCupid) for a year at this point. Back when I lived in Canada, I similarly employed the same app for about a year — and enjoyed a two-year relationship as a result (one which did not move abroad with me).
Overall, this method of dating suits me, but there is definitely a learning curve. I am hoping, through my various articles, to help you avoid some of the pitfalls, resulting in a better experience.
By way of a disclaimer, I write from my perspective, based upon my experiences, wants and needs. I do believe, however, that many of the observations I share, apply universally. Feel free to comment or email me with reactions or questions.
Let’s get into it!
Alright, you have matched with someone you are interested in and now it is time to start the conversation and explore if there is a connection, or potential for it. You will find I say this over-and-over, but here we go: How would this look in the real world? Over a coffee?
Before we speak about how to respond to a message, a little housekeeping to see if you should respond. Sometimes it is wiser to delete and “unmatch” right out of the gate!
Hello Gorgeous!
A message that says absolutely nothing is not worth your time. “Hi, I love your profile”, “Hey Beautiful”, or “We should meet!” with no other content or questions is low-risk and low quality. Sure, it is a fabulous opener, and an ego-boost, but it is not a message. You will get a lot of these, I promise. They may even have a rose emoji as an extra enticement. It is not enough.
If it is you sending the first message, all of the above and below applies. Why wouldn’t it? Be what you wish to attract.
Copycats
Sadly, even if it is long on content, it might not be legit. Read through and see if any of it relates to your profile. I have been sent some beautifully written and flattering introduction emails that are clearly cut and pasted. If the message is not trying to reach through to you as an individual, move on. They are not the one. Believing that empty flattery and fluffy prose alone “gets the girl”, reveals they have no idea about women or relationships. It is quite disrespectful, actually.
*I have even seen it where guys copy content for their profile from other men’s profiles!
Hedging Bets
Sorry Singles, but sometimes it’s not about you. Be aware that some users “like” and send messages indiscriminately. They do not read profiles. It’s a numbers game to them; you don’t want this kind of match.
You do want someone that saw your profile and thought it was worth their time to find out more.
You do not want someone who thinks so little of themselves, they do not care who they match with.
Do Not Play Games
If you are interested, answer when you see the message, if possible. If they have clearly made an effort and if you cannot respond at that moment, maybe send a quick note saying you will respond later that evening or whenever, and follow through. Show the same kind of respect you expect in return.
If you are not interested, or have changed your mind about them, it is fine to answer, but do not drag on the conversation. Wish them luck and off you go.
Communicate With Intention
Okay, so you have successfully begun a conversation. Imagine you are sitting at the table with this person. They say something, ask a question, you do the same; it goes back and forth for a while. Be real, be yourself. Let your sense of humour or joy shine through.
Messaging should feel comfortable and natural. While there might be awkward silence occasionally (like in real life), you want it to flow. If it doesn’t, well maybe they aren’t a good match. It is fine to give it a bit of time to see if the level of conversation improves, but not too much.
If the conversation ends with phrases like: “talk soon”, or “nice chatting”, that’s a solid cue that they wish for it to continue. You can decide if that happens of course.
We all have had the experience of a great conversation. You know the kind; when it’s over and later you realise you forgot to finish many topics/tangents because you were both so excited and engaged. Ideally, you want to have that online…it is more challenging of course. It is true that this might only occur once you are at the in-person, or video call stage. Use your best judgement.
Conversation skills
Be mindful that conversation is a bit of an art, and not all of us are great at it. You are both possibly (hopefully) trying to make a good impression or get each other’s attention. Be kind. Often once you move to another platform, it improves, but there is no need to rush that either.
Crickets
If at some point messaging ends unexpectedly, without a close out (“good night”, “nice chatting”, “talk soon”), accept it. It’s generally not a good sign, but there is no point overthinking it. Do not message again to reignite the conversation. There is a chance they might return to the conversation (perhaps they got in too deep when they were supposed to be working), but in all likelihood, this is going nowhere, or they are prioritizing a conversation that is more interesting to them (totally fine, you will likely do the same at some point).
Let it go. It sucks, but you haven’t invested much at this point, right?
In my experience either the conversation gets going in the moment or not at all. Learning to move on when it does not is part of the process.
Multi-tasking
It has been shown that multi-tasking is ineffective, if not impossible. It is completely fine for your new friend to be investigating other matches (you should also), but as in life, it’s not going to work well, speaking to two people simultaneously.
If the conversation is staying really generic in content, with long pauses, and you are not learning anything, or sharing in any meaningful way, leave the conversation. Log off the app actually.
It’s not personal. They may be screening for hookups or are just that emotionally immature. Next!
Change of Venue
If things are going well, at some point it will seem appropriate to move it off the dating platform. When this occurs is completely up to the two of you. I prefer to do it within a few days and after several successful and interesting communications. It means I have decided that I wish to learn more about them and reveal more about myself.
Other messaging apps like WhatsApp, Telegram, Signal et al., allow for a more fulsome interaction. You can send links to things that interest you, music, or photos from your day. You can have a video (or old-school) call, get to hear their voice, and see their mannerisms.
I do highly recommend a video call, especially if you are in a different city or it will be a while before an in-person meeting is possible. Seeing someone in their space reveals much about them and you can also get a sense of their personality that words just cannot express.
It also confirms that the person is in fact real, because sadly, catfishing and kitten fishing happen all too often in online interactions. I will write about these in another article.
In my experience, about half of the conversations that move onto another platform die out immediately. This is fine…better to learn early that it was all about the chase, and they were not actually all that interested. Do not text them if it does. Let it go. They are not for you. Delete the contact if you wish.
Hate Mail
I have only had it happen a couple of times, but it is unnerving and upsetting. One time it occurred when I politely indicated I didn’t think we were communicating well and wished him luck. Suddenly he was throwing insults and mocking my profile. I did not answer. I did block and report the profile. Do not feel bad about doing that, you are doing everyone a favour getting these people off the platform.
If you experience any inappropriate or unwanted comments or requests within the app, report it. If it occurs outside of the app, block their number/profile on any connected social media — even search out those you are not connected on as a pre-emptive measure.
If you experience this, and need to talk about it, connect with a friend, or message me directly.
Lose the Scarcity Mindset
There are plenty of partners available, and quality ones at that. Love and connection are mysterious, and it serves you better to allow for things to evolve, learn, and enjoy the journey.
Never believe you are too old, it is too late, or you will never find someone. All of these are untrue. Do not say these things to yourself, do not listen to others saying them. Change the narrative.
Dating should be fun, so if you find you are feeling bitter about or really hating the process, take a break from it. Most apps allow you to suspend your account without losing your profile. Clear your head and take some Me time.
I would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions for future articles, please leave a note in the message section below or send me an email directly.
Talk soon,
Karen
https://karenespig.medium.com/membership
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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