I was watching the Raiders game on Sunday morning, when it went to commercial. It looked like I was in someone’s house and I noticed the front door was open. Suddenly, Without any warning. The mailman came leaping in the door and proceeded to dance like a fairy on PCP. I sat there with my mouth open as I watched this guy completely make an ass of himself.
The only thing I took from that commercial is that Dish Network thinks it’s OK for the mailman to waltz into your castle and act like a dick. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only stupid thing I saw this weekend. My TV was filled with funny moments that weren’t supposed to be funny.
Beginning Saturday with the Arkansas football game on CBS, I heard a lot of interesting comments made by the announcers. Brent Musburger (Saturday night) and Solomon Wilcots (Sunday morning) both said things which indicated they were coming out on air. What did they say? I’ll get to that in a moment. I know commercials exist to inform us of something or to get us to shell out our hard earned cash for their shiz. I totally get that, but I don’t think it’s too big a deal to get things grammatically correct.
A commercial for the NCAA had a guy saying, “Team is plural.” Uh….no it’s not. It’s singular. “Teams” is plural. Now, I know the point they were trying to make, but is, “A team is a family,” really too difficult for the actor to remember? If so, he may not be the right guy for the gig. Whoever wrote that line and approved it needs to be fired and sent back to third grade English. Seriously. “Team is plural?” I’m giving the commercial a D+.
Early in the first quarter of the Arkansas v Mississippi State game, a commercial appeared on my screen. It was the T-Mobile chick and she was with some elf dude. The elf called her, “Naughty” and the first thing that went through my mind was, “I bet you wish she was naughty. She’s probably the first tall chick you’ve seen in years. Whatcha gonna do? Whip up some of your special ‘nog for her?” I reminded myself that everything didn’t have to be about sex and the very next commercial easily put the T-Mobile hottie out of my mind.
The next commercial showed an old lady hocking Depends. Yeah. Adult diapers. I have no clue what she said at the end of the spot, because once I realized what it was for, I kept watching her body language and facial expressions to see if she was relieving herself while she filmed the commercial. I don’t think so, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wet herself. At this point, you probably think I’m a dick for making fun of incontinent adults. I’m not making fun of the problem, just the commercial. If I’m ever in adult diapers, you have my permission to mock me constantly.
Shortly after halftime, I was treated to a lesson in feminine hygiene. Apparently, Stayfree maxipads wik away moisture. I did not know that. I guess I’m gonna go ahead and ask the obvious question. “Where does it wik to?” Am I to understand that a woman’s period blood will somehow dissipate into the atmosphere if only she sticks a Stayfree maxi pad between her legs? My daughter is 14. This is stuff I need to know.
I guess CBS was calling this their “Chick commercial break” because the next ad was for some medicine a doctor can prescribe to make wrinkles go away. I knew I could believe what they were saying because of the caption at the bottom of the screen. “NOT ACTUAL USERS”, is what it said. Is their snake oil so crappy that they can’t even find four women who look decent after using it? Probably not. To tell the truth, the actresses all looked a little rough. Oh well.
Finally it was time for USC and Oregon. As I watched the opening, I wondered aloud (even though I was alone) why Brent Musburger wasn’t wearing a bib. “Dude is blowing USC big time,” I noted. Musburger couldn’t understand how anyone would think #4 Oregon could actually beat USC, (unranked in the BCS because Pete Carroll is a pussy who cheated, then ran to the NFL, but #18 in the AP poll). Brent needed the bib because at the rate he was going, the whole team would erupt shortly before halftime.
Musburger donned his cardinal and gold knee pads and slurped away as he told America how Matt Barklay was the next great NFL quarterback and how Lane Kiffin was an offensive genius. Of course his dad, Monty Kiffin is the greatest defensive mind in the game today. Watching it made me want to take a shower. I felt that dirty.
Somehow, color analyst Kirk Herbstreit was able to interrupt the orgy and uttered the first funny line. Of one of the Oregon players, Herbie said he, “Weighs 195 and has a low center of gravity.” I looked at the kid and laughed out loud. Yeah. He probably does weigh 195 and has a low center of gravity. That’s because he’s short and fat. Nice phrasing Kirk. Seriously. I’m gonna use that line sometime.
I tossed a couple pistachios in my mouth and almost choked on them because of what Musburger said next. He told everyone watching that the running back was, “swallowed” by the cornerback. I swear to God. That was my first clue that Brent may be coming out on air, but i was still willing to give the veteran broadcaster the benefit of the doubt. It was hard to cut him some slack, because he spent the rest of the first half saying things like, “The receiver was swallowed on the play.” Also, “Here’s Kenyon Marner to give him a blow.” A hummer? really? What exactly is the penalty for that? I would think 15 yards and automatic first down, but I’m not sure.
Sunday morning I turned on the Raiders and swore out loud as the Silver and Black took stupid penalty after stupid penalty. My favorite moment was when Michael Huff clotheslined Percy Harvin and evaded the flag. Nicely done, bro. Al would be proud.
Near the end of the first quarter I watched as some guy walked out of the grocery store with a paper bag, not a reusable one (I thought Honda was all about going green). Dude also had a gallon of milk, which he dropped once his van caught fire. He pressed his remote and suddenly the whole thing turned into a black light 70’s metal thing, complete with a black panther, rocker with long hair and a headband, plus Godzilla breathing fire on the DVD entertainment system. “The van beckons like no van before,” said the announcer in a very creepy voice.
As soon as I heard the phrase, “The van beckons” I immediately pictured a black panel van (owned by a rapist, of course) sitting in a dark alley. I don’t think, “This is the perfect vehicle to haul my kids around in.” Sorry Honda, but you might want to rethink that spot. After that I tweeted: “When did Honda become the official van of child molesters?”
As he half came to a close, I heard Solomon Wilcots say, “I love me some John Kuhn.” I bet you do, Solomon. And now everyone who watched the game knows it too. I’m not sure how often those two get to hook up, but I think it’s nice that CBS lets Wilcots call Kuhn’s games.
Finally, I close this out with something that’s funny because of what was said, but also the fact that the player had no clue that what he said was stupid. We were told this guy was cut by the Lions last offseason, but was recently re-signed by the team and he played today. When asked why he thought the Lions signed him, the genius had this to say.
“Well, if you have talent and you’re available, you’ll play. If you’re not available, you won’t.” Wow. I wonder when (if ever) he’ll realize that he said the only reason he’s on the Lions is because he was available to play. My guess is the 12th of Never. Anyone want to take that bet?