I learned that if you call Dominos and order two large pizzas, they will NOT accept, “The white van behind the Acura on the 66th Ave off ramp” as a valid address and they will NOT deliver pizzas to you.
The feud between the millionaires (NFLPA) and billionaires (Owners) is over and training camps are now under way. With that in mind, I figured I should blog a little NFL, with my sarcastic spin of course.
There are many possible things to write about, but I decided to start with something near and dear to my heart. My Raiders are probably gonna suck ass again this year and the reason starts right at the top. Consider this an open letter to Al Davis.
You know I’ve loved you since I was a young boy. Your Raiders of the 70’s and 80’s were some scary mother fuckers and I respect the fact that people didn’t like playing them because they knew they would come out beaten as well as beaten up.
You were a great coach who transitioned to a great owner. John Madden and Tom Flores were awesome, but you have to admit you screwed up the whole Mike Shanahan thing. Dude went off to Denver and made it his goal to kick the crap out of the Raiders every time they played them, which if you will recall, is twice a year. Nice job.
You also made a huge mistake in hiring Art Shell. Twice. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a race thing. It doesn’t matter what color he is, Art Shell is just a crappy coach. Period. Same with Mike White, Joe Bugel, Bill Callahan, Norv Turner, Tom cable and now this idiot Hue Jackson. This last dude sounds like a one hit wonder pop singer, not the coach of the silver and black.
The only decent coach you’ve hired in the last 23 years was Jon Gruden and you let Chuckie slip through your fingers because you pissed him off by trying to call plays from the owners box. Lane Kiffin might have been a decent coach, but you didn’t give him enough of a chance.
Please understand that I’m not some fringe fan, but rather a former season ticket holder who spent many a Sunday morning tailgating in the Coliseum parking lot. My friends and I grilled pizza rolls as soon as the parking lots opened at 8 AM and we did jello shots while we heckled opposing fans and said, “How you doin?” to hot chicks as they walked by.
My friend Jeff and sat in line all night before the AFC Championship game in 2000, just to get our normal spot in the parking lot to tailgate the next morning. Do you know how much fun it is setting up a BBQ on the shoulder of the 66th Ave off ramp with the Coliseum in the background? It was off the freakin hook. It was basically a 24 hour tailgate party and I learned something that night.
I learned that if you call Dominos and order two large pizzas, they will NOT accept, “The white van behind the Acura on the 66th Ave off ramp” as a valid address and they will NOT deliver pizzas to you. Not even if you also order those cinnamon thingies.
I write to you today to ask a favor. I ask this in the name of the entire Raider Nation. No one asked me to do this and I’m not officially representing the Nation, but I know I have their backing. My message to you is a simple one. GO AWAY!!!
In a perfect world, you would simply sell the team to someone who isn’t a senile, track suit wearing geezer, but this isn’t a perfect world. You and I both know you will hold on to the Oakland Raiders as long as you can take a breath, and that concerns me. A lot. I think it’s time you either dump the team or take a nap. Specifically, the dirt nap.
Now, I’m not saying that someone should go and put a hit on you, because that’s not at all what I’m saying. I implore you to sell the team so the Raiders can return to greatness. I don’t think it’s going to happen that way, so maybe you could start off by simply signing a DNR order. You know, just in case.
Also, I’d like to know who thought it was a good idea to draft and keep that piece of crap codeine addict, JaSuckus Russell around so long? Did you seriously expect a guy who was addicted to cough syrup to win more than a handful of games?
In 2011 are Jason Campbell, Kyle Boller and Trent Edwards expected to lead this once-proud team to victory? Not likely. Trent Edwards couldn’t even cut it in Buffalo and they suck as bad as we do. If Ralph Wilson didn’t want him, what in Gods name made you think you had to have him?
You had one of the great defensive players in Nnamdi Asomugha and I’m pretty sure he was counting down the days until he could sign with someone else and get the fuck outta Oaktown. Thanks for screwing that up for us. But it’s OK. We still have big names like Tommy Kelly, Rolando McClain and that has-been Richard Seymour to anchor our defense.
The bottom line is this, Mr. Davis–the Raider Nation wants our team back. As I said earlier, you were a great owner at one time, but now is not that time. Today you are simply a shiny-track-suit wearing old guy. That look may have been sweet in the 70’s, but now that you recently turned 83, it just looks stupid.
Please get us a new owner and if you’re ever in the LBC, hollah at me and we can do lunch. But I won’t invite my friend Wes The Sports Guy, because he’s a fuckin Niner fan and we both hate the Whiners.
Peace out ya old geezer,
P.S. There are still a few spaces left in the Sex and the Single Dad fantasy football league. To join, CLICK HERE. The League ID is 162520 and the password is: password. We dropped to 12 teams this year, so get in quick.