I’ll be straight with you. When I saw Van Wilder jacking off a dog, I never imagined the ring would choose him. That was some sick shit.
It’s probably obvious from the caption above that I just saw Green Lantern starring Van Wilder hisself, Mr. Ryan Reynolds. Friday late afternoon, I’m chillin in my
writing space hovel, when I remembered I have two promo codes from Redbox. I hopped on the computer, located the flick at a partially-convenient location outside a nearby Walgreens, and boom. Ten minutes later it was wham, bam, thank you Redbox.
I returned home where I took Lucy (my dog) out to do her biz. After leaving the present for my daughter, I cracked open a bottle of really cheap Shiraz (and decided to forgo the glass), poured a bowl of Fritos and grabbed the chipotle salsa. After that it was time to settle back in my chair and press play.
Please don’t judge me for my choice of beverages. My selection was limited to Shiraz, Merlot and a half bottle of water. The Shiraz was unopened and thus had the most to offer the situation. For the record, the bottle is mostly empty as I write this. Also for the record, my Drama Queen is in the mountains with grandma. It’s just me, the dog, 1/4 bottle of The Big Kahuna Shiraz, half a bottle of their Merlot, some water, a little Jack Daniels, no ice and no Coke. I’m thinking I should get some Dew.
Here’s my first question. There may be more, but I’m not sure. I’m using the force with this blog post and letting The Big Kahuna guide me. Aloha everyone.
I’m not a huge Tim Robbins fan, so when I saw him get sucked into that black, firey cloud guy, I was all, “Hell yeah!” Does that make me an ass? I mean, it’s only a character and not the real Tim Robbins, so it’s probably OK that I found pleasure in his demise.
I think the next movie should be Hal Jordan with the red dude, the pug on steroids and the fish. They look like a ragtag bunch and lets face it, who doesn’t like a ragtag bunch. These four have the power to be bigger and better than Hellboy and his crew, so they need a cool name. Hal Jordan and His Merry Men sounds kind of, uh, you know. I would go with the Green Team, but that sounds too environmental. Whatever. It’s not my problem.
The girl who played his squeeze was pretty cute too. I’m not sure who she is, but she’s definitely worth saving. At this point you’re probably asking yourself why I said I wasn’t sure who she is. Yeah, I could Google, “Green Lantern cast,” but frankly, I’m lazy and don’t feel like taking my hands off the keyboard to use the track pad. You probably feel let down at my sloth, and for that I apologize. I promise to try and make it up to you.
As Hal Jordan was getting his ass kicked by the pug and the red dude, I began realizing that I’m a lot like Hal Jordan. On the inside. On the outside he blows me away, plus he has a killer job and a lot of cash. Hal Jordan’s life was a show. He pretended to be fearless, but his peeps saw through it.
I’m scared. A lot. Scared for my health. Scared that I’m not raising my daughter the best way. Scared that one night a skunk will wander into my hovel and unload on my bed. But most of all, I’m afraid that I will be a success. How fucked up is that?
BTW, I cannot believe that I’m somehow turning this into a sentimental, inspirational thing. That wasn’t my intent at the outset. You have my apologies. Considering the bottle is now empty, it’s most likely The Big Kahuna talking. Back to playing Siskel and Ebert. Does anyone know how Siskel could die before Ebert? I mean, that guy was a heart attack in a jacket and slacks.
I was told by several people that the movie was crap. Others told me it was pretty good, while yet a third group told me it was OK. I’d say it was a pretty decent flick. Nice eye candy, without the gratoutious cleavage. That’s both a positive and a negative. Reynolds was pretty good and I really liked the pug, fish and red dude. It’s definitely worth $1.20 (plus tax).
Do you think Hal Jordan ever harnessed the power of the ring when he was with his chick. I figure he had to try it at least once. What do you think?