This is what you get when you cross Jeopardy with one of those, “Hardhitting” VH-1 Rockumentaries.
The other day I was doing some writing with iTunes in full shuffle mode. About an hour in, I heard Wilson Phillips. A couple songs later, The Wallflowers oozed into my headphones. For some reason, this started me thinking about the fact that these two groups feature children of parents with Rock and Roll Hall of Fame credentials.
“How many other singers are there with parents who rocked out?” I asked myself. I immediately eliminated Kelly Osbourne because, lets face it, the chick sings slightly better than I do and I sing like shit. Mulling this over in my head, I spontaneously began inventing questions in a Jeopardy sort of way. Here’s what my brain spewed forth:
ALEX TREBEK: Welcome to Jeopardy. Poindexter, as our returning champion, you have the honor of selecting first.
POINDEXTER: [said with a very strong nasal tone] Thanks, Alex. I’d like Musical Families for $100
ALEX: Dad will have an achey-breaky heart when this child gets arrested Lohan-style.
J.R.: Who is Miley Cyrus.
J.R.: I know. That’s why I said it. Musical Families for $200
ALEX: This is what you get when you take two daughters of a crazy, drug addicted over eater and cross them with a blond chick whose parents worked with a woman who died from a ham sandwich.
J.R.: Who are Wilson Phillips.
ALEX: Correct. Choose again.
J.R.: Musical Families for $300
ALEX: He can pronounce his words. His father? Not so much.
J.R.: Oh. Who is Jakob Dylan. Musical Families for $400.
ALEX: This pop star had a pop who hung out with a redneck hippie.
J.R.: Oh…Uh…who is, um…Enrique Iglesias?
ALEX: You’re on a roll.
J.R.: Thanks bro. Lets close out this thing. I’ll take Musical Families for $500.
ALEX: This drug addicted singer came from musical “ROYALTY”, but had a very forgettable career.
J.R.: [Getting more worked up than I probably should] Who is Natalie Cole!
During the next break, the guy on the end said my knowledge of current music was fascinating. “How do you know all that?” He inquired. “Easy,” I said. “I have a life. There’s more than living in mom’s basement and creeping out the patrons at your local library.” The director guy counted us down and Alex went into full on ass-kissing mode. “First we have our returning champion. Say hello to Poindexter McDorkus. Poindexter has won over $200,000, and has yet to kiss a girl.” The audience giggled, while I just rolled my eyes. “VIRGIN,” I coughed in a non-discreet way. After getting a nasty glare from the host, I looked at the chick next to me.
“Welcome our first challenger, Sally DaProody. Sally has a PhD. in Library Science and spends her free time at the Library of Congress.” With that, Alex turned to me and said, “Finally, we have J.R. Reed. J.R., it says here that you’re a single father, a budding novelist and a part-time douche bag. How do you find time for all that?” I looked past him and straight into the camera. “I’ll tell you Alex,” I said, as I leaned on the podium. “It’s taken me a while to learn this, but I’ve found if you put a little extra effort into the douchiness, the rest just kind of falls into place.” Ten seconds later, the director cleared his throat loudly, waking Alex out of his stupor.
ALEX: J.R. It’s your board.
J.R.: Damn straight. Let’s take Musical Families for $200.
[Yeah. I know they don’t use the same category in both rounds, but it’s my imagination. Plus, I had more than five I wanted to mock.]
ALEX: This crackhead has an aunt who talks to ghosts.
J.R.: [snorting] Uh…who is Whitney Houston.
ALEX: That’s right. Her aunt is, of course, Dionne Warwick.
J.R.: Yeah, yeah. Let’s keep going. Musical Families for $400.
ALEX: This family featured a teen idol, high powered lawyer and a guy who picked up a trannie.
J.R.: Who are the Partridge Family. Excuse me, but when do the hard ones start?
ALEX: Musical Families for $600?
ALEX: This child’s father died while pushing one out.
J.R. Who is Lisa Marie Presley. [Under my breath] BOOM!
ALEX: Musical Families for $800. This singer must have…excuse me. Is there a problem?
J.R. Huh? Oh. My bad. I was just asking Library of Congress over here, what she was looking at. Then I told her I was running the table because I listen to music written after 1600. Please continue.
ALEX: As I was saying, This singer mush have been “HIGH” when he wrote his one “HIT”.
J.R.: [Rubbing my scalp fervently]
ALEX: We need an answer please.
J.R.: [Light bulb goes off in head] Snap. Who is Tal Bachman.
ALEX: That’s correct. Son of Canuck Randy Bachman of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, eh.
J.R.: Whatever. Let’s get to the money shot.
ALEX: Uh…yeah. For One thousand dollars, If 3/4 of this band were in bed with you, it would definitely leave you breathless.
J.R. [Staring straight into the red light on top of the camera.] Who. Are. The Corrs.
ALEX: That’s correct. And you are tonight’s new champion. [Again, I know it’s not like real Jeopardy, but I figured this post was long enough]
J.R. Thanks Alex. I have a quick question. When will I get my check? The reason I ask, is I want to get this guy a medium quality prostitute before he leaves town. You know. To celebrate his reign on top.
ALEX: Join us tomorrow, on Jeopardy.
J.R. I’ll be back, biznitches. Peace.