Once you’ve got a colostomy bag…
Raise your hand if you’re single and are on Facebook? OK. Thanks. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever tried online dating? Great. One more question. How many single people on Facebook see those bullshit ads on the right side of the page, click the ad yet somehow never see the person in the ad? Yeah. Same here.
If you’ve never seen these ads, they truly are amazing. Facebook was nice enough to take the time to tailor the ad just for me. Apparently there are a lot of large breasted women who are looking for 45-year-old single fathers. I know that Facebook has my back, because until late November the women were looking for 44-year-old’s. Now that I think about it, the year before they were looking for 43-year-old’s. Weird.
When I click on the site (which has pictures of women like the pair above) I see women. Lots of women. Do they look like the girls in the ad? Not a fucking one one them! I call bullshit and false advertising. That’s not cool. Not cool at all.
My favorite ad has to be the one for Christian Mingle. They explain, “If you’re looking for a Christ centered relationship, the next move is yours.” The next move is yours? I didn’t think Christians had “moves”. I thought their purity rings counteracted the urge to put the moves on anyone. Maybe I was wrong.
I’ve tried Match.com with limited success. The same with e-Harmony. I appreciate the effort that old dude and his company are putting in, but the reality is that I end up running into the same train wrecks that I do on the free sites. If I thought I was getting something for the cash, I could see it, but I don’t.
If you’ve ever done any Internet dating, you’ve likely run across PlentyOfFish.com. I will admit that I’ve met some nice people there. When I lived in Canada, I met Teacher on that site. I met The Nurse there as well. However, the overwhelming majority of people have been either crazy, strange, troll-like or a combination of all three.
I’m sure there are lots and lots of wonderful women on POF, but I can say that I have yet to meet more than a couple solid ones. I can’t tell you how many women have a profile that says they’re 42, but you would swear in court that she was 60+.
Let me disclaim this right now and say: I am in no way making fun of anyone’s weight, whether below average, average or above average. Anything I say is meant to illustrate a point and not ridicule. Shit, I need to lose 20, 30 35, so no way am I cracking on people’s weight.
That being said, people need to be realistic about what they look like. I tell people that I’m fat and they typically say that I’m not. “It’s no more weight than most people need to lose,” they tell me. I don’t buy that bullshit, which is why when I was online dating I put, “A few extra pounds” rather than, “Average.”
Just because everyone in your family is 60-80 pounds overweight, that doesn’t make you average. If you’re a little big, then say so. Some people are looking for that and if you’re stuck in, “Average”, you may get overlooked. If you don’t like being in a certain category, make it your goal to get down to the next level.
The beautiful thing is that you don’t have to spend months trolling through the big sites. For example, if you’re Jewish, there are sites for you. If you like crazy chicks, there is a site called Women Behind Bars. You can correspond with an inmate, then let her beat you, rob you and kill you shortly after her release. But not until you’ve bought her some cans and a new wardrobe.
Apparently there’s a dating site for Trekkies. I can’t even begin to tell you how stupid that is. If you’re willing to drop a grand for a lifetime membership, you can join Scientific Match and let DNA testing help determine your match. I don’t think Crazy Blind Date needs any further explanation, nor does Bi-Cupid.
If you’re into Ayn Rand, you can join Atlasphere.com. If World of Warcraft is your thing, then you will want to rush on over to DateCraft.com. As tempting as that may sound, please wait until you’re finished here before you do so. Thanks.
If your junk itches, drips or oozes, you can log onto STD Friends and find people who likewise suffer from chlamydia, gonorrhea or just plain ol’ crabs. My favorite one might just be Ostomate.com. Once you’ve got a colostomy bag, I would imagine that it’s hard to get past those first few dates, ya know?
What did I miss? Are there any more niche sites that I overlooked? Do you have any experience with any of these? Stories that you heard from, “A friend?” Spit ’em out. Let’s hear them…
*Tuesday I will be giving away a copy of Bobblehead Dad by my Man of the House colleague Jim Higley. Don’t forget to check it out.
Hilarious post, and very informative. It’s refreshing to know there are places to go if you are single, in search of love, and have an oozing puss-filled member. If the USA is not the best country in the world I just don’t know.
Though I’m no longer in the dating scene, I did a guest post for a Memoirs of a single dad about how i would qualify my first dates.
Being married, I have no online dating experience, but perhaps you can explain what it is about my Facebook page that gets me ads like this: “Hot married women in Maplewood are waiting to cheat with you!”. Okay, I used to live in Maplewood, so that part makes sense, but they seem to be missing the parts that say I’m a) married, and b) female. I have no desire to cheat with hot married women in Maplewood or anywhere else! I think the people writing these profiling logarithms are not so good at it.
That girl’s push up bra is so tight I think she is suffocating or in major pain.
POF brings out al kinds…it’s free.
Chopperpapa…I know. Pretty cool, huh?
OMG, are there really sites like Women Behind Bars?!?! Sorry, but I’m totally ignorant in this area, seeing as I’m not ready to get back at there yet or maybe ever!
STD Friend? You made that one up right? Right???
Two kids–they’re all real. Every one of them. Sad, huh?
I have not tried any online dating. I have always heard that even on Facebook people misrepresent themselves but wasn’t sure if that was true.
Anyway, I’ll come clean. I don’t really have the moustache I’m sporting in all my vids.
Not that I have a whole lot of online dating experience, but POF is ridiculous. I have to keep adding to my profile, trying to get more specific that I don’t want to date someone who’s old enough to be my dad when it clearly states my target range, or that taking your profile pic in a public restroom really isn’t gonna get you a date with me. Or the fact that I specifically like skinny or built guys and constantly get inquiries from not just average, but VERY overweight guys. Maybe I should just click that link on Facebook… Read more »